I swallow around the ball of razor blades forming in my throat. My eyes tear away from Gemma’s, and I look at pictures on the walls once more.
“Showing up for yourself is the biggest step. Be proud of every achievement.”
My head glances at the next quote.
“It’s okay not to be okay. But when we’re not okay, we shouldn’t put pressure on ourselves. We should treat ourselves with kindness. We should take it one day at a time. We’re all human. We all feel the same emotions.”
Gemma’s presence pauses at my side. “I like that quote,” she says quietly. “Although we could argue we’re wolves, not humans.”
“Does being a wolf feel different to being a human?” I ask curiously.
She hums softly. “Well, I know for a fact wolves definitely feel emotions harder because of the bonds given to us by the Moon Goddess. But that doesn’t take anything away from how humans feel. We’re all unique. We’re all different. No one should tell us how we feel.”
My tongue runs along my bottom lip as my mouth turns dry. “Sometimes, I don’t know how I feel.”
I clutch my elbows and tug my arms closer to my chest for some kind of self-comfort. “How do you think you feel?”
“Lost.”
Gemma nods in understanding. I expect to see sympathy or pity, but nothing of the sort crosses her face. She looks at me like she sees me. She really sees me.
“I understand,” she says, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. “Being here must be confusing and overwhelming for you. So many new faces, new feelings, new emotions.”
My lips part, and I hesitate before I speak. “I guess I don’t know who I can trust. I’m scared to get close to anyone to find out they’re not who they say they are.”
“Has that happened to you in the past?”
I shake my head. “No. I knew who the bad guys were immediately. But I don’t think I’ll survive it if I find out the people in this pack aren’t good people, and I’m trapped.”
“You aren’t trapped, Ava. No one is stopping you from leaving. I understand Alpha Jaxon bringing you here might have triggered something for you, but he did it so we could treat your wounds. I fear you wouldn’t have made it if he had let you go.” Her voice softens, and I find myself believing her.
I move my head and walk to the next painting. The air in the room feels a little tighter than before. I didn’t come here to talk about anything in particular. I came to get out of my own head and gather company in the doctor whom I am gradually learning to trust.
“Did you want to sit down?” she offers. “We can talk about whatever you want.”
My throat clears. “No, thanks. I want to stand.”
“Whatever you wish.”
I roll my finger over my elbow slowly, playing with a piece of thread that has fallen out of sequence. “I guess–” I start and stop immediately.
Gemma doesn’t push me to continue.
“I guess I’m feeling a bit lonely today.”
“And you came here to seek company?
My head nods subtly. “I feel safe here. Is that stupid?”
“Not at all. If you want this to be your safe space, this can be your safe space. My office door is always open, unless I have another patient. But we have plenty of other rooms exactly like this.”
I clutch my elbows tighter. “I want to remember…before.”
Yet, my memory is clouded with all the bad things I’ve experienced instead.
“If you want, we can attempt to work through it together. Figure out things you remember without diving too deep into the parts that make you feel uncomfortable,” Gemma says from across the room.
A sigh escapes my lips. “I told you before. I don’t think I’m strong enough.”