Page 71 of Forever Always

With my eyes half open, I felt around until I grabbed the pills, swallowed them dry, then wiggled out of Beckett’s hold enough to sit up and drink the glass. My mouth was so dry, and the lukewarm water wasn’t enough. I got out of bed so I could take a piss and brush my teeth. Hopefully that would get rid of some of this cotton taste.

Beckett was awake and playing around on his phone by the time I came back. He put it down as I climbed back into bed with him.

“Are Jay and Dakota still here?”

“Nah, Dakota must’ve taken Jay back to his place already.” I flushed, when I remembered how we’d gotten a little crazy last night. “Was I a total jackass?”

“Nah, only a little bit.” I shoved at Becks as he laughed.

“Y’all were fine. It’s okay to let go once in a while.”

I raised an eyebrow at him. “Yeah, like you do?”

Becks lightly bit my shoulder. “Whatever. I let go.”

“Yeah . . . okay . . . if you say so.”

“Shh, this ain’t about me. How’re you feelin’?”

“Like I got run over by a truck and then thrown onto a train track to get hit by the train.”

“I mean with everything else.”

I turned toward Beckett, takin’ a minute to just look at him. So much had happened in such a short time, neither of us had had a chance to breathe. I didn’t want to think about any of the bullshit and just be with Becks. Unfortunately, we both had work and couldn’t do that. I wanted to just be . . . but that wasn’t how our lives went.

“Honestly, I don’t fuckin’ know. I’m more pissed than anything.”

He seemed surprised by that. Beckett ran his fingers through my hair, and it was hard not to push into his touch. Then I realized there was no reason to hold back and I did just that.

“About Wesley?”

I shrugged. “Sort of, but not just that. The hits just keep fuckin’ comin’. We don’t have a chance to fuckin’ process the first thing before the next comes along. And we made a big change, Becks. Like, shouldn’t we be freakin’ out? I spent years so paranoid you’d find out about my crush on you and be disgusted, and now we’re, well, whatever the fuck we are, but we haven’t really talked about it. We haven’t decided what we’re tellin’ people outside of Jay. Are you my boyfriend? That sounds dumb as hell, but you’re not just my brother anymore, even if you’ll always be my brother, and I want to talk about you at work or wherever, but I don’t know how. We went on a date, but are we datin’? This should be the biggest thing in our lives right now. We should be enjoyin’ and analyzin’ every moment as we figure this out, but we can’t. It’s become fuckin’ back burner, and I don’t want us to be on the back burner, Becks. Not ever.”

I took a breath, feeling a little lightheaded after that speech. But I also felt better. It had been in the back of my mind for weeks now, but between Jay’s mom, Mr. Chase, our dad, work, the college thing—that also had been all but forgotten about—and now my sperm donor, it had fallen to the wayside. I was exhausted.

Becks melted as he held out his arms. “C’mere, butterfly.” I all but jumped into them.

“That’s it. We’re okay. It’s been a rough few months, huh?”

I nodded as I rubbed my face against Becks’s bare chest. It was still lightly bruised, but it didn’t seem to be bothering him much. I was careful to avoid that, though, and smiled as he squeezed me tighter till I could barely breathe.

“The worst,” I answered him, though that probably wasn’t true. We’d been through worse. I was just being whiney and bratty.

Neither of us spoke for a long time, but I didn’t mind. Becks was processing my word vomit, and I was just . . . tired. I was tired of talking about my problems, of worrying. I closed my eyes and was just there, at least for a few minutes.

“Is there somethin’ specific you feel like we should be freakin’ out about? With us, I mean? I’ll admit, I was worried at first. I felt like I was takin’ advantage of you, that it was wrong or unnatural, but those feelings faded pretty quick. It just felt too right to be wrong. Yeah, it ain’t normal, but what about our lives is? I’ve always known you belong to me and me to you, so once I let go of all the nasty words and doubts, it only made sense to take the next step. I want you in every way you’ll let me have you. And probably in ways you won’t.”

I grinned, that fist clenching my heart eased at his words. I knew he wanted this, but it still felt good getting verbal confirmation. “And what are we? Like, if someone at work asks, are you my boyfriend?”

“I guess? I don’t hate the idea of you callin’ me that.”

I squeezed his forearm, the only thing I could reach. “I don’t hate that either.”

I squirmed around until I was facing him again and cupped his bruised cheek. “I guess we should talk about yesterday.”

“Only if you want.”

I didn’t. But it wouldn’t go away even if I ignored it. I always gave shit to Becks about avoiding stuff, so I wouldn’t be a hypocrite and do it now. “Do you believe him?”

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