Page 20 of Forever Always

I still couldn’t believe all that happened last night. Riley had fuckin’ kissed me. Yeah, it’d been innocent as hell, barely a brush, but it’d rocked me right off my feet. I didn’t know if it was the shock, the fact it was Riley, or what, but I was more shaken by that tiny kiss than anything else. That was, until he opened his mouth and confessed everything that had been going on in his big, beautiful brain.

Now that I’d had some time to sleep and get a handle on my thoughts, I had so many questions. How long had Ri been feeling things for me? It must’ve been sort of obvious for Jay to notice, yet I had no idea. Was I dense or was I just purposely not seeing the signs because Ri was my kid brother, even if he was an adult.

That brought up a whole other set of questions though. How did I feel about him and all this? I lightly brushed his hair outta his face, the need to touch him was strong. That answered one question at least. Even with Ri’s feelings out in the open, nothing changed for me. He was still an extension of me. I still needed him as much as I needed air to breathe.

Fuck. That shoulda been a clue, right? Ri and I weren’t just brothers, biological or not, and we never would be. There was something more there. I just didn’t realize it since we were always in fuckin’ survival mode.

I took Ri in, like really took him in. From the little crease in between his eyebrow as he slept to the way his lips pouted as he sighed, how they were just a little chapped. My eyes trailed down the column of his neck to his bare chest, and I allowed my fingers to trace in between his pecs. He really was beautiful. How had I never noticed it before?

What would it be like to kiss him whenever I wanted? To have that one person I knew I could just be me around, that I could trust no matter what. Besides my own hang-ups, that was one of the reasons I’d never really gotten into a relationship. I couldn’t trust anyone, not enough to ever have a solid connection with them. I’d always have a wall up, ready for them to disappointment or get fed up with my crazy and leave.

Riley though . . . I could trust. He knew exactly how to deal with me, and even when we antagonized the shit outta each other, we never fuckin’ ran. I trusted him more than myself.

The revelation was fuckin’ life changing. It took the breath out of me, and I was surprised I didn’t wake Riley with how I jerked. Was this what my issue had been all along? Riley had always been my person, so I just needed that fuckin’ punch in the gut. The wake-up call let me see Riley in a way I never had before. Not the little kid I needed to protect. Not my brother who I was always there for and he was always there for me. But grown-ass Riley Dolan my other half. Nothin’ that felt this right was wrong. It couldn’t be.

Riley started to stir and so I played with his hair again. I wasn’t ready for him to wake yet. I still felt so unsettled, and I didn’t want him to sense it. Holy shit, maybe I liked Riley, too, the way he liked me. I had been just too blind and stubborn and caught up in all the hateful words from the sperm donor to realize it. But it made sense. It was the only thing that fuckin’ did.

Still, there were some things I needed to tell Riley before I allowed myself to really consider this thing. He deserved to know everything I’d kept from him. That was another reason why I’d never had a relationship. Besides the fact that anyone other than Ri or Jay touching me gave me the chills, I would never feel comfortable opening up to anyone to tell them everything. Anyone I was with for more than a hook-up should know. It wasn’t right to keep it from them.

I never told anyone the full truth. I thought I’d be keeping it to my grave. But as Riley began to stir for real this time, I knew I was gonna have to suck it up. ‘Cause the more I thought about it, the more I wanted Riley in every way he’d allow me to have him. At the very least, I needed to try . . . to see if what I was feeling was real or just coming from everything that had happened yesterday. And I wouldn’t do that until he knew everything.

“Your thinkin’ woke me up,” Riley grumbled adorably. He blindly reached for a pillow and threw it over his head. I smiled, and for the first time in . . . fuck . . . ages . . . my dick twitched in interest over something that wasn’t my hand.

I didn’t know how to feel about it. It was like I had blinders on all this fuckin’ time and someone had finally pulled them off and I was able to see the world clearly. It was a lot. Part of me still felt guilty that I had that kind of reaction to Ri. The other part remembered the sweetness of his lips and wanted to feel them again.

I pulled the pillow away from his head.

“What the fuck, Becks! I was sleepin’!”

I ignored him and dragged him up to a sitting position. “Sorry, butterfly. But we gotta talk.”

The instant frown and worry crease between his brows had my gut clenching. Without thinking, I leaned forward and kissed the crease away. “It’s nothin’ bad. Well, okay, it’s fuckin’ awful, but only cause I want to clear the air if we’re gonna do this.”

He pouted, his head tilted in confusion. “Do what?”

I kissed his forehead. Okay, I was takin’ the easy way out, but I loved the way he looked every time I did it. “Please, just, can we go do our morning bathroom stuff? Then I gotta tell you some things before you can really decide if you wanna”—why were words so hard all a sudden? I’d never had that issue with Ri before—“be . . . more.” Totally lame, but Ri’s small smile made it worth it. But then he seemed to realize everything I’d said.

“Becks, what’s going on?” I kissed him again, this time on his nose. I wasn’t ready for the lips yet, not till he knew the truth. “Go, butterfly.”

He bitched under his breath, but Ri finally crawled outta bed and I heard the bathroom door slam shut. When he came out, I walked past him without a word. I wanted to get this over with, but the conversation would be bad enough. I didn’t wanna have to piss the whole time too.

A few minutes later, we sat crossed-legged across from each other on the bed. I couldn’t decide if we needed more space or less. Neither was gonna make this conversation easier. My fingers dug into my wrist, which left little red marks right over the faded scars in my skin. Ri reached out like he was gonna touch me and then stopped himself, unsure if it was welcome. I wanted to reassure him, but I wasn’t sure he was gonna wanna touch me after this anyway, so . . .

“There’s somethin’ I wanna tell you, somethin’ that might change some of the stuff you said last night.”

Riley’s face scrunched. “There’s nothin’ you can say that will change my mind.”

I sighed. “This might.”

“No, it won’t.”

“Fucking Christ, Ri. Please let me talk. This is a lot. I need to get through it.”

His face softened. “Sorry. I’ll be quiet and listen.”

“Thank you, butterfly.” I dug in deeper, the pain the only thing that kept the flashbacks at bay. I was gonna tell him everything, but I . . . couldn’t. It was fucked up, and I was so wrong and selfish, but as his face flashed in my mind, I knew I could never taint Ri with that. Those nightmares were mine to suffer on my own, even if it made me a fuckin’ hypocrite. Maybe one day, I could say it without wanting to vomit all over the comforter, but it wasn’t today. The rest of it, he needed to know. Baby steps.

“When we were younger, I did some . . . things. Things I’m not ashamed of cause I did what I had to, but you might be. So I need ya to know.”

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