Page 93 of Forever Always

Beckett chuckled. “Understatement of the year. It was like The fuckin’ Exorcist up in there. But he said we’re good. I think Wesley is waitin’ until we’re both in better shape before givin’ us the details.”

I frowned. “How long?”

“Yeah. It’s been like 2 days. Maybe 3? I’ve been in and out of it so I’m not sure. But you were . . . strugglin’. Luca had to give you somethin’ to calm you down and help you sleep.”

I wasn’t sure how I felt about all that. I barely knew Wesley and still wasn’t sure I could trust him, and I had never even met his friend. I didn’t like that they were involved in this. It felt like they had this massive boulder dangling right over our heads that they could drop at any time they wanted.

Becks seemed to understand my train of thought. “I know. I wish I didn’t have to get him involved, but we were way over our heads, Ri. And there’s no fuckin’ way I was lettin’ you get taken away because of that bastard.”

I leaned against Becks gently, a little more relaxed when his arms wrapped around me.

“We could’ve run.”

“Where would we go, butterfly? We have no money, no resources. We don’t even have a car. Besides, what about Jay?”

Fuck. We couldn’t leave Jay, and he’d just found Dakota who was a real adult with a big-boy job. It wasn’t like we could ask them to spend their lives on the run with us. And what kinda life would that be anyway? Always looking over our shoulders, even more than now. Beckett had made the right choice.

“You’re right. This was the best option. It’s just hard to trust sometimes.”

Beckett snorted. “Believe me, I know. Who you think you got that from?”

We were quiet for a while as I tried to really process everything. I was scared, but not cause of what I’d done exactly. It was cause I barely remembered. It was like someone else had been controlling my body. And that was fuckin’ terrifying. Beckett had explained what it felt like when he gave in to his rage like that, but it was never something I entirely understood. I’d never felt like that before. It was like a part of me opened that I didn’t know existed, and it scared the fuck outta me. I wasn’t a killer. Or well, I didn’t wanna make a habit of it. I didn’t want to be that person. But I also didn’t regret or feel upset about what I did. What the fuck did that say about me as a person?

Beckett stayed quiet and let me process my thoughts, which I was grateful for. I had so many other questions, but I was just too exhausted to ask them now. I did have one, though.

“Where’s Wesley now?” I was surprised he hadn’t come to check on us.

Becks huffed. “Ri, it’s like 4 am. He’s probably sleepin’.”

“Oh shit, really? We should go back to sleep.”

“Yeah. probably.”

“I need to take a piss first. And maybe shower?” I knew they’d cleaned me off, but I could still feel the blood on me.

Becks kissed the side of my head in understanding. “There’s a bathroom attached. Wesley left us towels and a bunch of toiletries and shit so go ahead. I’mma go back to sleep.”

I squeezed him one more time, just another confirmation that he was still here, and slipped out of bed to get cleaned up.

The bathroom was . . . nice. Clean. Updated. Didn’t smell. And the shower was huge. My stomach soured, and I felt a little sick. Was this what my life would’ve looked like if Wesley had taken me when Mom died? Would I have grown up with water heaters that never ran ice cold and showering barefoot because I didn’t have to worry about catching some kind of disease?

Yeah, the bathroom in the apartment wasn’t that bad because I’d splurged on the best cleaning products I could find when we’d first rented it and spent hours scrubbing. I did my best to make the place at least clean, if not nice, and I didn’t mind because it was mine and Becks’s. We got a little space from Dad, we knew the rent money would never be spent on booze or drugs, and we could breathe.

This apartment made me feel ashamed, though, and I still hadn’t seen the whole thing. It was so nice. What did Wesley think when he saw our place? And not the murder scene, but the place itself. Was he disgusted that his offspring lived like that?

Fuck. I needed to get outta my head. It didn’t matter what Wesley thought. We did the best we could. I was proud of that. And if he wasn’t, he could go fuck himself.

I turned the water on in the shower once I’d brushed my teeth and taken a piss. I needed to just not think for a while and shut off my brain. One of Jay’s gummies or magic pills would have come in handy right now.

I settled for taking a shower. It didn’t help. The water pressure was fuckin’ ridiculous, and it was blissfully hot. I should be enjoying it, but it made me feel shitty, like I was turning my nose on the life that Becks worked so hard to give me. It made no sense, but that didn’t change anything. Too much had fuckin’ happened and I was spiraling.

After a few minutes, I gave up and shut the water off. My brain wouldn’t shut up, and no matter how hard I scrubbed, I still felt dirty, so it was pointless.

I grabbed one of the softest towels I’d ever felt. Fuck. Why was everything so nice? Was Wesley rich? I didn’t get that impression, but I was second-guessing everything.

I wrapped the towel around my waist and left my filthy clothes in the middle of the floor. I was finally able to breathe again when I stepped out and got eyes on Becks.

His were closed but opened as soon as I walked in. His expression sharpened when he saw my face.

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