Page 32 of Forever Always

Riley nodded. He might be dreading what I was about to say but he never looked away. “Yeah, it was the last place we lived with two bedrooms.” Right. I’d forgotten about that.

“I don’t know if you remember what happened after that.”

He interrupted before I could get out my thoughts. “Yeah, we were gonna get kicked out. You and Dad fought. Then two days later, you came to pick me up from school and told me you’d found a new place. You said Mr. Chase had a friend who was rentin’ out an apartment. Said he even helped Dad sign the lease. He bought us a bunch of food too. The fridge hadn’t been that full since Mom died—”

I didn’t know if it was the look on my face or if he just started to put two and two together, but Riley stopped abruptly and all the color drained from his face. I squeezed him tighter. I was a fuckin’ coward, but if he left me now, I didn’t know what I’d do.

“Beckett . . .”

I couldn’t do this. I closed my eyes again. If I was gonna finish this, I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t see whatever emotions were about to pass over his face.

“Yeah, so turns out he wanted some payment for helpin’ us.” I couldn’t say anything else.

“Beckett. Fuck. Beckett, did he touch you?” I wanted to laugh. Sure, we could call it that. Touched. I nodded. It was all I could do. I still refused to look at my brother, who I could feel slipping away with each second that passed.

He wriggled in my hold. I needed to let him go. I couldn’t force him to stay. Not after that.

My hands went limp, and Riley moved immediately. This was it. This was the moment he realized how much of a fuckup I was and left me. I couldn’t blame him. He shoulda left my sorry ass alone years ago.

But Riley didn’t leave. Course he didn’t. He was my fuckin’ butterfly. He just lay down next to me so our bodies were against each other. He cupped my cheek and forced me to turn my head toward him.

“Becks, please, baby, look at me.” Baby? The word was enough to make me open my eyes. He’d never called me that before.

Ri’s face was red, like he’d noticed what he’d said but kept pushing through. Both our hearts were pounding so hard, it was all I could hear.

“Beckett, I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. Why didn’t you tell me?”

I shrugged. “You were seven. I didn’t even understand what was happenin’, so how could you?”

“That night, the time I found you in the bathtub”—Riley’s eyes fell to the scars on my arms that were now covered by tattoos but we both knew were there—“was that . . . ?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“And the scar on your face?”

“That too. That was the last time I saw him. We fought.” I wasn’t giving any other details. I couldn’t.

For a while, Riley didn’t speak. I was dying to know what was going through that big brain, but he had to process. I understood. I was just glad he hadn’t walked away.

“You don’t have nothin’ to be ashamed about, Becks. It wasn’t your fault.”

I shrugged. “Shoulda stopped it earlier.”

“Are you seriously goin’ there? You were a fuckin’ kid! If you think this is even a little bit your fault, then it’s mine too. You woulda never been in that situation if it wasn’t for me.”

Um, fuck that. I had him pinned to the bed, my hands holdin’ his face so he couldn’t move. He didn’t try to fight, just stared with big, angry eyes full of heat. “Don’t you ever dare say that bullshit again! None of this was your fault. Ever. Everything I went through, I did so you didn’t fuckin’ have to. And I’d do it again. And again. You’re everything good in this world, Riley. Everything I fuckin’ love. I woulda killed myself years ago if it wasn’t for you. You’re what keeps me alive. You. Everything that happened. All the shit. Dad. Mr. Chase. Whatever. All of it was worth it because I knew I was keepin’ you safe. You’re the best fuckin’ thing in my life, butterfly.”

Some of the anger left Riley and was replaced by something else. His pupils dilated and his lips parted. He took a breath and was suddenly back to normal. “And none of it was yours. All that you said, it goes both ways. You’re my everything, Becks. Always fuckin’ have been. It just started to change meanin’ as we got older. But I won’t sit here and let you put this all on yourself. Either we both share blame on all that happened when we were kids or neither of us do. Place the blame where it should be, baby.”

I collapsed, half on Riley, half on the bed. All the fight drained out of me. “Where is that?” I whispered, my throat so fuckin’ dry all of a sudden, even those three words felt like too many.

“With the adults who failed us.”

I gasped, his words like a punch in the gut. Why was something that sounded so easy so fuckin’ hard to do? What would it be like to let go of all the guilt, all this fuckin’ weight on my chest? Would I be able to do it?

Riley reached out, his hand on my cheek. “I’ll always be here for you, Beckett. Let me share those burdens with you. Please. I’m not a kid anymore. I can handle it.”

His fingers weren’t soft, but they were still a balm to me. Riley’s touch soothed me in a way no other could.

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