Page 31 of Forever Always

Too much. “Jay and I were talkin’, and then the shelter, and maybe bits and pieces after that. How long have I been out of it?”

I feel Riley stiffen underneath me. Fuck, that bad? “Five days,” he breathed out so fuckin’ quietly, I had to strain to hear him.

Five fucking days? That . . . was not good. Then it fuckin’ hit me. “School!”

Riley twisted to look me in the eyes, already annoyed with me. I couldn’t help but grin. He was so fuckin’ adorable when he was pissed, even if I would never dare tell him that.

“Don’t you fuckin’ start, Becks. I’ve been terrified for you all week. School is the last thing on my mind.”

“But you had to drop, didn’t you?” I tried to keep the guilt out of my tone. I knew it would piss Riley off. It wasn’t like I could stop feeling guilty though. This was all my fault. I just needed to hold it together like a grown ass adult. Instead, I fuckin’ ruined everything just because I’d seen someone from my past. Pathetic.

“I didn’t drop. I put myself on an academic hold for one semester. The world won’t fuckin’ end, Becks. I swear to fuckin’ God, if you try to apologize, I will lose it. It ain’t your fault. You never let me take blame when I go into my fogs, so I won’t let you either.”

Goin’ into a fog was what we called it when Riley fell into one of his depressive episodes. There was probably a different term for it, but it wasn’t like we could afford therapy. Not that I’d go back or let him go again after Mr. Chase. Meds were whatever Jay managed to snatch for us from his sources, so we did the best we fuckin’ could and just took care of each other.

“Fine, I’ll drop it.” For now. “I’m too tired to fight anyway.”

Riley rested his head on my chest with his legs wrapped over me the way I needed. I wondered what else had happened while I was out.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” he finally asked when I was quiet for too long.

Not really, but I had to tell him something. I owed him that much. “Um, I saw Mr. Chase.”

I tried to keep my tone casual, relaxed. It wasn’t like just saying his name would bring up four years’ worth of nightmares and hell no one should ever have to go through.

Riley twisted so he could look me in the eyes. The confusion there was obvious. He didn’t know, so how could he understand.

“Mr. Chase? Our old therapist Mom had us goin’ to?”

“Y-yeah.” I closed my eyes, no longer able to look at him. The bed creaked and Riley straddled me, his legs on either side of my waist. His calloused fingers cupped my chin.

I squeezed my eyes tighter, but he was so close I could practically see him anyway. Not that I needed to be looking at him to see Riley. His breath tickled my face, our noses touching.

“Look at me, Becks.” I shook my head. No. I couldn’t do that. “Please,” he begged. “Please, Becks. For me. Open your eyes.”

His voice was soft and gentle, like he was talking to a scared animal. Which, he kinda was. Why was I so fuckin’ pathetic? This was ridiculous. It had been over ten years since I let him or anyone else touch me. Why couldn’t I get over it?

“Beckett, please.”

Fuck. I opened my eyes.

I wasn’t sure what I expected to see. Pity maybe? Disgust that I was acting like this? But of course, this was Riley, so all those blue eyes showed was love . . . and maybe a little concern.

“Talk to me, Becks. What happened? Why did seein’ Mr. Chase trigger you?”

I swallowed down the bile that threathened to come up. I could do this. I needed to do this.

“I-I just lost it. It wasn’t a big deal. I’m sorry I scared you.” There, that was enough, right?

Riley smacked my chest fuckin’ hard. “Beckett Cooks. I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me. It was a big fuckin’ deal. Stop minimizing your trauma.”

The fuck? I couldn’t help but grin at my baby brother. “Minimilazing my trauma? Another term you learned from your PhD from Google?”

He rolled his eyes, but I saw the corners of his lips tip up. “Don’t distract me.”

Oh hell. My hands found Riley’s hips, and held him in place. I should be giving him space. He might wanna run from me after he heard this. Forcing him to stay was shitty. I held tighter until I was sure he’d have bruises. Ri didn’t fight it though. He relaxed into my touch.

“Remember when you were like 7 and we were livin’ in that apartment down on Grant Street?”

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