Page 30 of Forever Always

“What? The tattoo or the scar?”

He shrugged and fisted the back of my hair. He brought me toward him so I could no longer stare at the ink. His other arm held me tightly to him. I didn’t mind though. Being in Becks’s arms was my safe place.

“Both,” he finally answered, his voice quiet and a little unsure.

I fuckin’ hated hearing Becks sound like that. He should never be unsure about me. He might be my safe place, but I wanted to be his too.

I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to stay in the present. Becks needed me now and I couldn’t get lost to the flashbacks. But it was hard to forget that day. I could hear Beckett screaming from the hallway of the apartment building. It still hadn’t prepared me for what I’d seen when I’d burst through the door and into the kitchen. Dad had Beckett pinned face down on the counter, a fuckin’ knife to his ribs as he’d literally tried to cut the tattoo off his skin. I was a lot smaller and weaker than Dad, but I’d taken him by surprise, and he’d been so fuckin’ high and focused on Becks that he hadn’t noticed me until I’d tackled the asshole to the floor. I’d wanted to kill him right then and there, but Becks had stopped me.

“No. I love the tattoo,” I finally answered. “I don’t remember much about Mom, but I remember the roses. I love that you did it. That you had the courage to find something tangible to remember her by. And the scar, I hate that the fucker did that to you. It obviously doesn’t bring up happy memories, but it’s like all the other scars we both got. We’ve been to war, Becks, but we came out the other side. That’s all it tells me.”

Beckett used his grip on my hair to pull me back so I was looking at his haunted blue eyes again.

“Did we though?” he asked, his voice shaky. “Come out on the other side? Fuck, Riley, most days I feel like I’m still there. I close my eyes and I’m in the middle of it. I’m so fucked up, butterfly. I can’t take it anymore.”

He wasn’t talking about the day he got the scar across his ribs. Or at least not only that. No, the shit that haunted his dreams went fuckin’ deep. Maybe it was what caused this spiral in the first place. Maybe it was even more than that.

I wanted to kiss him. Holy fuck, the feeling came up on me so strong. We were so close I could almost reach out and kiss him again, but I didn’t dare. I was glad his fingers held me in place so I didn’t do something so stupid that would hurt him. I just cupped his face, and ran my hand right up his scruff, brushing along the scar across his cheek.

“We did get out, Becks. We fuckin’ survived. You and me. It ain’t gonna be easy. We’re always gonna have battles. We went through some fuckin’ messed-up shit. That’s only normal. But, Becks, you need to stay with me. Whatever you’re going through, you’re not alone. Those battles in your mind? Let me fight them with you.” I prayed he heard me. Maybe I was being selfish but seeing him like this tore me apart. Beckett was my everything. I needed him whole.

“I’m supposed to be protectin’ you. I wanna keep you away from all this shit. I’m sorry you have to see me like this.”

I scoffed. “I’m not a little kid anymore. You don’t need to hide shit from me. I want to take care of you the way you have me my whole damn life. I don’t mind being the strong one sometimes. But I don’t know what to do when I lose you to the darkness, Beckett. Like the last few days. I’m just fuckin’ terrified that the demons you won’t share with me will become too much for you to fight and I’ll lose you forever.”

I could feel Beckett’s breath on my face, we were so close. It was labored, like just that basic act was a struggle for him, which it probably was. He looked tortured, lost, unsure. My gut twisted.

Beckett knocked his forehead against mine so we were touching everywhere. Our lips were so close. I squeezed my eyes shut.

“You’ll never lose me, butterfly. Fuckin’ never.”

Beckett started to drift off again while I laid there, just really wishing I could believe his words.

CHAPTER 12

BECKETT

Why did it feel like I’d gotten run over by a fuckin’ truck? I groaned and made an attempt to open my eyes. Yeah, fuck that. Everything fuckin’ hurt. What had even happened?

“Becks?” my favorite voice whispered hesitantly from my left.

I turned my head toward him but still couldn’t open my eyes. My head pounded against my skull, and even the thought of that was too much.

“What happened?” I managed to whisper. Fuck, my throat was dry. “Water, please,” I croaked before he could answer my first question.

The bed dipped without a word and I immediately regretted my request. He was leaving me!

Riley was only gone for a minute, and when he got back, I managed to open my eyes enough to squint at him. He was only wearing a pair of threadbare gray sweats that hung low on his hips, and showed off all his smooth, pale skin. Fuck, he was so skinny. Was he eating enough?

Riley climbed into the bed and helped me into a half-sitting position before holding the glass to my lips. For once, I didn’t stop him from helping me. I was too weak to try. I took a few sips and then willingly swallowed the pills he gave me. I didn’t know what they were, but I trusted Ri.

“Thanks.” My throat didn’t feel like it was on fire anymore, so that was something.

“What happened?” I asked again.

Riley took the glass from me and burrowed himself in my side. He always knew exactly what I needed. I buried my face in his hair, breathing in that vanilla that he always fuckin’ smelled like no matter what.

“What do you remember?” he whispered.

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