Page 12 of Forever Always

The words made me sick, brought back things I never wanted to think about. I never, ever felt anything like that for Riley. He was my brother. I loved him, but it was fraternal. I took care of him. We were a team. The fact that he was implying anything else was disgusted me. It probably wasn’t even until the last few months that it hit me that he wasn’t a kid no more. And even then, I forgot just about every other day.

Memories flashed through my mind unbidden. Ones I wished would stay fuckin’ buried with they belonged. That this piece of shit would even imply I would ever be like that . . . I needed to get out of here.

“Go fuck yourself, Michael. Next time, I hope you fuckin’ choke on your own puke. It would be a fitting way for ya to finally go.”

I stormed out of the room, needin’ to get the fuck outta here now.

I couldn’t breathe. Even after I’d left that place and was on the street, my lungs fought me for every bit of air. With my eyes shut, I fumbled in the pocket of my hoodie until I found the baggie of pills I kept stashed there.

They were for anxiety. I didn’t take hard shit. Yeah, no thanks. Just cause I didn’t have a prescription didn’t mean it wasn’t necessary. Just, who could afford a fuckin’ doctor? And I wasn’t going to therapy. Been there, done that. Never fuckin’ again. I popped out two and took them dry. I needed to get my shit together so I could get home because I needed to see Riley. It was either that or takin’ a knife to my wrists. But I promised Ri I wouldn’t do that no more, which meant I needed eyes on him before I forgot about my promise. But if he saw me like this, he’d worry.

I walked around the shitty neighborhood until I was able to see clearly and some of that fog in my brain disappeared. I kept thinking about what Tim had said, how I’d zoned like a fuckin’ zombie. When I’d asked Riley about it, he’d admitted eventually that he’d noticed me doing it before too. I had to stop it. I had enough fuckin’ baggage. Why was more piled on?

I finally made my way to the bus stop and eventually home. Guilt set as soon as I walked through the door and saw Riley pacing the floor.

“Beckett! Where the fuck have you been!” I didn’t get a chance to answer before I had all 5’8” of him in my arms, nearly bowlin’ me over.

“Easy, butterfly. I’m fine.” I buried my face in his hair, my favorite place to be. Maybe Dad was right. Maybe I was fuckin’ sick because the second I had Riley in my arms, everything felt better. All the shit, all the issues, they felt beatable when I was holding Riley. Challenges that had been impossible to fight just seconds ago seemed like nothin’. It was my reminder I had something to fight for.

I kicked the door shut and half carried Riley back to the couch, where he immediately climbed into my lap, his hands clawed at me like he was trying to get into my skin.

I tried to think back, Dad’s words runnin’ through my mind. We didn’t have a normal relationship clearly. I understood that. We still shared a damn bed for chrissakes. Growin’ up the way we did, of course we were gonna cling to each other. It was all we had. But Ri was my little brother. I would never, ever do anything to make him uncomfortable. And the shit Dad had implied? God, he was a fuckin’ kid. Or he was. What the fuck was wrong with that man? We were both just doin’ the best we could.

“Where were you, Becks?” he finally asked, voice full of worry about my answer.

“I went to see Dad. He didn’t remember what he did with the money.”

Riley snorted. “Of fucking course.” He looked up at me. “You know you don’t have to do that to yourself, right?”

I squeezed Riley tighter, and forced myself to stay present.

“I love you, Becks,” he finally said when I didn’t answer. “It’s you and me forever, right?”

I kissed his head. “Always, butterfly. Fuckin’ forever.”

CHAPTER 4

RILEY

“Hi.”

I looked up from the shelf I was stocking to see a guy around my age staring down at me, with a smirk on his face.

My face was flushed as I pushed to my feet and wiped my hands on my legs. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t hear you come in. Can I help you with something?”

“I don’t mean to bother you, but you’re out of coffee,” he said, gesturing toward the self-serve coffee bar behind us.

Now that I was standing, I got a good look at the guy. He’s taller than me, but that wasn’t exactly hard. I often wondered if my bio-dad was short or if I just took after my mom. His blond hair was slicked back, a lot like Becks wore his, but it didn’t look as natural on him. The color didn’t look natural either. It was so platinum.

His eyes were a pretty hazel color, but it made me uncomfortable with how intensely he was staring at me. I immediately scanned the rest of the tiny store, and hoped we weren’t alone. It was probably just my natural instinct to distrust everyone who wasn’t Becks or Jay, but still, being cautious kept you alive.

I didn’t see anyone, so I forced a smile. “Oh, sorry about that. Give me a minute and I’ll get them refilled.”

He was a little too close for comfort, but allowed me to slide by him, and I hurried to the back where we kept the canisters of coffee.

I had to gather up my nerve before I went back out there. Fuck, what was wrong with me? Fuckin’ Beckett had me paranoid after constantly drilling it into my head to always be aware, always have my head on a swivel and expect the worst. Yup, I was definitely gonna blame him for being so damn jumpy.

When I walked back, the place was still empty except for the guy. He leaned against the self-service and was scrolling through his phone. Totally fuckin’ normal. I needed to get a grip.

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