Page 40 of Thrown to the Wolves

Is that what I’m feeling?

“But it’s also the most powerful force on earth,” Mrs. Graves goes on, “capable of transforming even the darkest of souls.” She pauses, her eyes distant with memory. “When I lost Sarah, I thought I would never feel whole again. The pain was a void, consuming everything in its wake. I wanted vengeance more than I wanted life itself. But then you and Hadria came into my life, two lost girls who needed a mother’s love just as much as I needed a reason to keep living.”

Something stings at the corners of my eyes, and I blink rapidly until it stops. “I…I never knew how much you struggled, Mrs. G. I hope we weren’t too much of a burden. I know sometimes we could be?—”

“Nonsense,” she says briskly, and then she smiles, a sad, wistful expression that speaks of the scars she carries. “We all have our demons, Lyssa. The key is learning to live with them, to find the light in the darkness. And sometimes, you know, that light comes from the most unexpected places. That was you and Hadria, for me. And I want to be clear, dear—it wasn’t the act of vengeance that made me whole again. It was having you two to care about. Love does that, you know.”

I think of Scarlett, of the way I always feel a little unsteady around her, of the guilt I feel—but also the admiration I have for her.

And I think about her vengeance-driven fury.

“Do you really think it’s possible for someone like me, though?” I ask, my throat closing hard on the words. I hardly dare to ask, because I’m afraid of the answer. “Is it possible for someone like me to find…”

I trail off. I can’t even say the word. Haven’t I proven time and again that I’m a monster, just like the beast from the fairytales that I like to call myself after? I’m a killer-for-hire, and I even take pleasure in the work, in the thrill of the hunt and the sweet release of the kill.

And yet, Mrs. Graves is looking at me now with kindness in her eyes. She’s always seen something more in me, some spark of humanity I thought had died the day I took my first life all those years ago. She squeezes my hand now, her eyes shining with a fierce pride.

“Of course you deserve love. And you are loved, Lyssa. Here, in the Syndicate, by your family. And if this woman has captured your heart—even if you can’t be with her—it’s still a sign for you that there’s more to life than…well, than violence and vengeance.”

Vengeance. The one thing that seems to drive Scarlett. Mrs. G must know how it feels, of course. Vengeance was what she wanted, too, all those years ago.

“After Sarah…” I start, my voice catching on the name of the daughter she lost. “Did it help? Avenging her death, I mean?”

Mrs. Graves’ expression changes. Colder, maybe, or sadder. “It didn’t bring her back. And it didn’t make the pain of losing her any easier to bear. But I…well, I felt a measure of justice, knowing the monster who took her from me could no longer hurt anyone else.”

Scarlett’s quest for vengeance won’t bring her brother back from the grave, either. But perhaps, like Mrs. Graves, she seeks that twisted sense of justice, that need to make someone pay for her loss, no matter the cost.

“But Lyssa, I do need to say this…I’m not sure you should tell her how you feel,” Mrs. Graves says tentatively.

“What? Who?”

“This…woman, Lyssa. The one you have feelings for.”

I stare at her. “I don’t plan on it,” I say at last.

And something like relief comes into her face. “I know it will be difficult,” she says. “But I know there’s someone special out there for you, too.”

Things are getting weird, here. Time to bail. I suck down the rest of the hot chocolate and put the mug down. “Thank you, Mrs. G. For—for everything. I better get going.”

She rises from her seat as I do, enveloping me in a warm hug that smells like home. “You are a daughter to me, Lyssa. Never forget that. And whatever path you choose, whatever you decide to do about your feelings, I will always be here for you.” She puts her lips close to my ear and whispers softly, “And so will Hadria.”

Hadria? What does Hadria…

Wait. I stiffen in her hug. Does she think I was talking about…

Oh, fuck.

“Okay, thanks,” I manage to squeak out. “Gotta go, Mrs. G, places to be?—”

But as I beat a very fucking hasty retreat, and hope like hell Mrs. G doesn’t hear the hysterical laughter bubbling out of me as I head back to my own room, my heart feels a little lighter nonetheless.

Hadria? She thinks I have a thing for Hadria?

No wonder Mrs. G looked so surprised at first. Does she really think I’m jealous of Suzy Sunshine? I get into my room and sag against the door, laughing helplessly at the idea.

Hell, no. Hadria and Aurora are like sisters to me. Very important, sure—but there’s nothing else there. Not like…

My laughter dies away as I think about Scarlett again.

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