Page 10 of Trick

As I slide behind the steering wheel, I take a moment to gather myself before I start the engine. Usually, I’m pretty good at compartmentalising my emotions, but today, I can’t do it. My thoughts are turbulent as I drive, like a ship on the ocean, the waves tossing me around.

I can still feel the blood on my hands from that night, and sometimes it feels so real that I have to check, but my skin is always clean.

I grip the steering wheel as I take a shuddering breath. Get out of your head, Heidi.

The past can’t be changed, and I’ve learned to keep swimming in those choppy waters. It’s the only way to survive, but it doesn’t stop the gnawing pain in my stomach every time I think about that day.

By the time I guide the car onto the small leafy cul-de-sac, I’ve buried my trauma deep inside me and my scars are hidden away.

Trick’s bike is on the driveway, the chrome shimmering in the mid-morning sunlight. I used to love riding with Theo. There is something so liberating about being on the back of a bike, my arms wrapped around the guy I love and the open road ahead, but that was another life.

All I’ll ever be is Crow’s widow.

As I cut the engine, I feel the weight of everything slamming down on me, pushing my shoulders toward the ground.

My chest tightens and flutters start in my throat. I can’t keep living like this. Sometimes, I wish I could run far away, but I tried keeping my distance and it just made me spiral deeper into depression. For better or worse, the Sons are my family, and they’re the last connection I have to Theo. I can’t give that up.

Resting my head against the steering wheel, I try to calm my breathing. Going to the cemetery always knocks me off my feet, which is why I’ve left it so long between visits, but this time, I can’t get out of my head.

The anniversary of their deaths is coming up. That’s the reason I feel like this.

For the first time since I took over Sophia’s care, I want to reach for a bottle to get lost in. I hate this time of year, and I hate that fucking two-week period between Theo dying and my miscarriage.

I don’t want to remember that time. I would scrub it from the calendar completely if I could.

I lift my head off the steering wheel. “Get yourself to-fucking-gether,” I whisper.

I grip the door handle, but I don’t pull it immediately, needing a moment to collect myself. When I step out of the car, my mask is back in place and my smile is painted on.

Flowers line the small front garden, a colour wheel of boldness that is so different from the flowers at the cemetery.

Here, everything feels alive and full of hope.

There, death creeps around everything, choking the life out of anything it touches.

I pause at the front door as another shudder runs through me.

Game face, Heidi.

CHAPTER 4

HEIDI

Blowing out a breath, I unlock the door and slip inside. The silence that greets me is too unnatural, too still. Instantly, my mind moves to worst-case scenarios and fear wraps around my heart.

Where’s Trick?

Where’s the baby?

Moving between rooms, I find downstairs empty and rush upstairs to the nursery. Trick would protect her. Acid climbs up my throat and my pulse thunders through my veins as I rush into the room.

Her babbles reach my ears before I register Sophia’s lying in the cot. Fuck. I lean against the rails as the adrenaline pumping through my veins drains out, leaving me quivering.

As soon as she sees me, Sophia’s chubby legs kick out in excitement, trying to free herself from the sleepsuit she’s wearing.

Her innocence radiates out of her like a sunbeam, and even being in the same room as her makes me feel like I’m tainting her. She’s so fucking perfect.

My racing heart slows its frantic beat as I lean over the rail and place a hand on her stomach. I let out a relieved sigh.

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