Page 20 of Trick

“Shit. I’m sorry, Heidi. I should’ve known that?—”

“It’s fine,” I assure him, my throat so tight, I feel like I’m suffocating.

Last year, I was alone with Sophia, so I was able to hide away until the date passed. That’s not going to be possible this time, not with Trick in the house, and I can’t control my emotions with this. The pain of losing my husband was hard enough, but losing my child… that will scar my soul till my last breath.

Trick is going to see me unravel because I’m helpless to stop my outpouring of grief.

“No, it’s not. I should have…” He trails off, and that ugliness gets worse.

Tell him about your baby.

Before I can say anything, he reaches down and captures a tear with the pad of his thumb. “Everyone forgets that you lost the love of your life too.”

That clawed hand around my throat squeezes harder until I can’t breathe. I do miss Theo and I did love him, but I also hate him for dying. I can’t be certain the stress of his murder caused my miscarriage, but I’m sure it didn’t help.

“Time heals, right?” Oh, boy, did that sound sarcastic.

His brows come together at my tone, but he doesn’t give me the shit I know I deserve. I’m being a bitch, but I can’t stop myself.

“Not everything.” Sadness bleeds into his words, and my stomach sinks.

Trick isn’t the bad guy here. He’s just as fucked-up as I am and doing his best to survive it.

I close my eyes, pressing a hand to my aching chest as memories from that day flood my mind. I don’t want to relive it, but it’s always worse close to the anniversary.

“Sometimes, it hurts so badly, I can’t breathe,” I admit on a whisper, and it feels good to say, even if he believes I’m talking about Theo’s death.

Living this lie is exhausting.

“I feel like I have nothing left,” I say. I’m no longer in command of my mouth as the hysteria builds within me, wanting to escape.

“You have me and Sophia,” Trick tells me.

I have them for now, but this too will end. Trick will learn to be a father without my help, and I’ll have to go back to the tattered remains of the life I’m trying to escape.

And I don’t know if I can do that again.

I force a smile, needing this conversation to end. I don’t want to talk about my anguish. Numbness spreads through me, and I let it, preferring that to the chronic pain that’s constantly sitting in my chest.

“I’d better get Sophia ready. We need to leave soon.”

I shouldn’t get comfortable here. I don’t belong, and I’ve forgotten the truth—that the club got my husband killed, and Theo’s death resulted in me losing my baby.

CHAPTER 7

HEIDI

Trick doesn’t mention my meltdown at dinner or breakfast the next morning. Thankfully, he seems distracted the closer we get to the weekend, though he watches me when he thinks I’m not looking. He’s worried, but he’s also trying to be respectful and give me space to grieve.

I don’t know if I like it, but at least he’s not probing deeper into my business. The closer it gets to the date, though, the further I spiral, and that honestly scares me to death. I can’t go back to that nonstop visceral pain and anger.

I want to avoid everyone and hide under my duvet, but that’s not an option, so I try to continue with business as usual, which means heading over to the clubhouse with Sophia.

It’s the last place I want to be, particularly as the women of this club are nosy as fuck and I don’t want them dragging the truth out of me.

So, I keep a smile plastered on my face until it hurts my cheeks and I join in their conversation, even though I’d rather be at home alone. They talk nonstop about everything and nothing, and eventually, my mind begins to wade through the torment I can’t escape. I barely hear a word that’s said as I try to fight the internal battle waging inside me, but I’m losing. I’m overwrought and exhausted. Sleep is not coming easily right now, and I feel detached from everything except Sophia and Trick.

I glance down at Sophia, sitting on the playmats with Max, Elyse’s son, and little Maisie. My heart shatters. My baby should be sitting with them.

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