Page 41 of Trick

“My life ended that day, and I blamed everyone for it because I didn’t want to believe it was my fault.”

Fuck. She may as well have cracked my chest open with those words.

“Mothers are supposed to protect their children, and I failed to protect mine.”

She falls apart, letting go of every hint of control she’s pretended to have since that day. My insides twist in knots as I wrap my arms around her and crush her into my chest.

She and I are just two broken pieces of the same puzzle. Both of us are drowning in pain that nobody else can understand. I didn’t lose my child, but I lost my heart and soul the day Mara died. Like Heidi, I’ve had to learn to live with that loss, but I can imagine all too well the horror and pain of saying goodbye to a child. I would not have survived losing my wife and my daughter.

I hug her tighter against me, resting my cheek against her hair. I wish there was something I could say, something to make this better, but there are no words that can heal a heart that has been shattered like this.

“I’m sorry, I’m a total mess. You have enough of your own problems to deal with without me bringing mine.”

She tries to pull away, but I don’t let her. I know somewhere in the back of my mind that if I let her pull away this time, she’ll be lost to me forever, and I won’t allow that to happen.

“I’m so sorry you went through all that. I’m glad at least you had Mara. She was good at that kind of thing.”

“She’s the only reason I survived,” Heidi admits. Her voice hitches, and I hold her even tighter.

“You don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to.”

“It’s okay. I feel almost relieved to get it out. It’s hard to mourn for someone no one knows existed but me. I didn’t know if it was a boy or a girl, but I always assumed it was a girl. She was my sunshine. I was going to love my baby so fiercely. I was going to give it all the things I never had growing up.”

My insides feel as if they are eviscerating themselves. “You would have been amazing,” I assure her, my words clogging my throat. “You’re the most selfless person I’ve ever met, Heidi. I wish you’d told us.”

She lifts her head off my chest to peer up at me. “You can’t tell anyone. This has to stay between us.”

I don’t understand why she wants to keep it a secret, but I respect her choice. “Okay.”

She lets out a hiccupping sob that crushes my heart. I’ve killed men, tortured them in the most horrific ways, but nothing hurts as much as this. Hearing her break down cuts through my soul.

“I swear, I’m not trying to steal Sophia or replace my own baby with her.”

What the fuck? I’ve heard the whispers, of course I have, and I know the concerns the others have had about Heidi’s relationship with my child, but knowing she had that in the back of her head all this time fucking infuriates me. I’m not angry at her, never that, but I am pissed at our club family for making her feel unable to share her grief for fear of what might be said.

I cup the side of her face, forcing her to look at me so she can see how serious I am when I say these next words. Her eyes shine with tears and her lashes are damp as red rings stain her irises.

“I have never thought that, not for a moment, and I don’t give two fucks what anyone else thinks, Heidi. You did an amazing thing, and it’s even more amazing knowing what you went through. I don’t know how you could even bear to be around her after your own loss.”

“I took care of Sophia because I owed it to Mara. She was with me during the worst moment of my life, and I owed her the same. The moment she died and you went away, I knew I had to step up and be a protector for Mara’s daughter.”

I understand why she would think that responsibility fell on her shoulders, but it was never her burden to carry. It was my duty to take care of my child. “You didn’t owe Mara that. She helped you because that’s who she was. It’s why she became a doctor.”

Heidi lowers her gaze, her face creasing as if in pain. “I feel as if I’ve let everyone down. I was awful when I came back. I know I pissed a lot of the brothers off, but I blamed the club for what happened, Trick. That job he went on got him killed and I lost my baby. I know it’s irrational. Even at the time, I knew it was irrational, but I was just so wrapped up in my pain and suffering that I couldn’t see the club in a good way. It felt like everything that happened was because Theo joined the club. If we had regular lives, he would never have been killed and my baby would have lived.”

What the fuck do I say to that? We both understand how the club works and the difficulties it brings into all relationships. Both Crow and I had been lucky that our old ladies were easygoing, but that’s not always the case when women come into our world. Heidi loved that man so much, she would have put up with anything to have him.

For Mara and me, things worked well because she had a demanding job too, so she understood the concept of putting work before everything.

“You didn’t let anyone down. We did. This club, it’s not just about making money and riding. It’s family. Somewhere along the line, we lost sight of that. You should never have been alone dealing with any of this. I’m so fucking sorry you were.”

There are too many secrets, too many things happening behind closed doors, and that can no longer be the case. If we are to survive, we need to do it as a united front.

CHAPTER 12

HEIDI

The weight on my shoulders is lighter after my confession. Trick doesn’t push me, but he watches me when he thinks I’m not looking. I know he’s worried, but all I feel is relief. As the anniversary of my miscarriage approaches, I don’t have to pretend to be okay. I can wear my grief openly, and him giving me space to do that has allowed me to deal with the pain in a healthier way.

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