Page 67 of The Rebel

I need her to be appalled so I keep talking.

‘What happened to me with that knife didn’t hurt half as much as constantly being called a bunch of names I can’t repeat, or forever being told you’re fucking worthless so that soon you believe it, or being so angry at my shitty life that I beat up on any kid I could whenever I could—’

‘Stop.’ She pushes off my chest and tilts her head to look up at me. Her cheeks are tear-stained, her eyes bloodshot. ‘I get it. You think I’ll be repulsed by what you went through so I won’t want to be with you.’

She shakes her head and more tears seep out of the corners of her eyes. ‘But I like you and hearing all this breaks my heart.’

That makes two of us, because I know walking away from Daisy is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

‘I’m telling you this so you understand why I can never be in a relationship.’ I take her face in my hands, cupping gently, splaying my fingers wide over her ears so she hears what I have to say. ‘I’m broken inside. I can’t forget the horrors no matter how hard I try. And I’ve tried. Professionals, meds, nothing worked. So I cope the best I can by helping kids like me. It soothes something inside me but it will never, ever, fix me.’

Tears trickle down her cheeks and drip onto my thumbs. ‘You don’t need to be fixed. You need to allow someone in—’

‘Please don’t tell me what I need.’ I release her and step back, starting the process to distance myself. It hurts like a bastard, far worse than the sting of those knife wounds. ‘I know I can’t give anything more of myself than I already have. And yeah, I admit it’s been a lot more than sex between us, and I feel more for you than I ever have for any other woman. But I can’t do this, Daisy.’

My throat tightens but I force the words out. ‘I can’t be the man you want.’

I turn away and swipe a hand across my eyes so she doesn’t see the evidence of how badly I wish things were different.

‘I brought Pa here once, to show him where I came from—’

‘No, you brought him here to push him away like you’re trying to do to me.’ She lays a hand on my shoulder and spins me back round to face her. ‘How did he react?’

‘Appalled, like you, but he tried to hide it.’ I scowl. ‘He had the audacity to try and turn our visit into a happy memory for me.’ I point to the hoops. ‘He made me wait until most of the kids left, then we shot a little one-on-one.’

The memory makes me choke up. ‘He was a good man and I didn’t do right by him either.’

‘He loved you. Sometimes that has to be enough.’

Startled, I search her eyes for answers and end up losing myself in the shimmer of her tears. I need to pull her out of this fanciful dream where the two of us end up together.

‘You were right, by the way. About my issues stemming from my dad abandoning me.’ My gaze drifts to the fence and the kids beyond it. ‘The moment he dumped me is the first time I lost trust in everybody and I’ve never been able to regain it.’

I point to the hoop in the distance. ‘That day Pa tried so hard to make this place better for me, he ended up disappointing me because he never truly understood why I brought him here.’

Confusion creases her brow. ‘To push him away, right?’

I shake my head, tapping my chest. ‘Not just that. I needed him to validate what I’d been through, to acknowledge that it all started with his daughter abandoning me. Hell, maybe to even take some of the blame. Which is ridiculous, I know, but I had so many years of pent-up frustration that I needed him to be my saviour and when he didn’t live up to my expectations when I brought him here…I kind of lost faith in anything good happening for me, ever.’

She’s staring at me, wide-eyed, and what I see terrifies me more than anything: acceptance, understanding, with a healthy dose of pity thrown in.

‘Maybe part of the guilt you harbour surrounding your grandfather and not being good enough for him is misplaced.’ She hesitates, before continuing. ‘Maybe you regret not being as close to him as you would’ve liked? And what happened here, him disappointing you, is your way of justifying that?’

I hate how damn insightful she is, and in that moment, I realise she’s right. If Pa and I were as close as I thought, I would’ve been there for him at the end; and before that, for all those years when I abandoned him before he could do the same to me.

‘But just so you know, you are worthy.’ She presses her hand to my heart. ‘And I won’t let you down.’

I want to believe her, I really do. I’ve tried so hard to push her away yet she’s still here, and for a moment I contemplate giving in.

I can let go of a lifetime’s resentment and fear right now. I can let her in. I can have belief that she won’t disappoint me, that she won’t quit on me, that she won’t abandon me.

I want to do it. She’s helped lead me to this moment.

I open my mouth to speak but the words don’t come. My throat is tight, clogged with the fear of taking a leap of faith.

Instead, I shake my head, and her quiet sob undoes me completely.

I hold out my hand, waiting until she takes it before we start walking away from my past and into a future filled with lifeless uncertainty.

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