Page 66 of The Rebel

‘What is this place?’

‘An escape for kids, mostly foster, a few runaways.’ I point to a small tin shed near the hoop. ‘That’s where the drug deals get done.’ I wave towards an alley that snakes behind the ramps. ‘And that’s where the creeps gutter crawl to pick up the kids willing to do anything for money.’

To her credit she doesn’t recoil like I expect, but the sadness down-turning her mouth and the pity in her eyes guts me.

‘You used to hang out here.’

It’s a statement, but I know there’s a bunch of questions hovering. I want her to ask. I want to shock her. I want to drive her away.

‘Yeah, I hung out here every chance I got. I was eleven, living a nightmare and the kids here were the only ones who got me.’

She squeezes my hand. ‘Tell me about the nightmare.’

I don’t want to talk. Talking achieves nothing. How many dumbass psychologists have tried to get me to open up? Countless, but they were useless. I fed them the usual trite drivel: I’m sad because I don’t have parents; I’m mad because I have to live with a bunch of strangers who don’t give a shit about me; I’m bad because it gets me attention. They offered trite platitudes, not having a clue about the emptiness that made my chest ache on a daily basis.

Daisy is looking at me expectantly and I have to give her something now that I’ve started down this track.

‘It’s the usual nightmare for kids like me. Channelling anger to push people away and scare them into thinking I was a badass before they hurt me. Being labelled a troublemaker because of it. Doing all kinds of bad shit to ensure I kept them at arm’s length. Ensuring I hurt them before they hurt me.’

‘You must’ve tolerated so much.’ She leans into me, resting her head on my bicep. She doesn’t offer a pity-filled apology, which surprises me. ‘I know this doesn’t make up for what you went through, but you’re an amazingly strong man and I think your experiences have shaped you.’

They sure have, but not in a good way. I can’t shake the instinct to run. It’s ingrained now. It’s who I am. Not even Pa’s unswerving and undeserving faith swayed me. He did everything in his power to make me stay: he trusted me, he adored me, he loved me.

I ran anyway.

Pa hid it well but I gutted him and I’ll end up doing the same to Daisy. I’m doing her a favour in pushing her away first. Much easier if I end this now.

‘See those kids shooting hoops?’

She nods, her cheek brushing my arm. It feels nice, having her this close. I make the most of it because it won’t be for much longer.

‘They’ll end up beating the crap out of each other soon.’

‘Why?’

‘Because anger festers and builds, and trying to blow off steam throwing a basketball around isn’t enough.’

As if on cue, a puny kid with straggly hair shoves a bigger boy square in the chest and it’s on. The boys push and punch, fists flying, with the occasional kick thrown in.

Daisy gasps as one of the kids falls to the ground and another kicks him in the guts, leaving him clutching his stomach and rolling around. The fight breaks up after that and they resume dribbling the ball, passing it and shooting. The kid on the ground pushes to his feet after a few moments and joins in.

‘You wanted me to stop that, didn’t you?’

She glances up at me and the tears in her eyes slug me. ‘Yeah.’

‘It would’ve only inflamed them, having an older dude step in.’ I bark out a laugh devoid of amusement. ‘Trust me, I know. Been there, done that, still have the scars to prove it.’

‘Is that how you got that scar on your hip? And the one on your lower back?’

She sounds on the verge of tears, which slays me, but it’s what I want: for her to understand why we can never be together.

‘Yeah. I was wrestling with a mean kid on the ground and a passer-by tried to intervene. The fight got worse, knives came out, I got nicked twice.’

Her hand flies to her mouth. ‘You were stabbed?’

‘More like glancing blows with the pointy end but it hurt like the devil.’

She buries her face in my chest and I’m left with no option but to hold her. I want to dip my face to her hair and inhale so badly I’m light-headed, but I resist.

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