Page 98 of Spin Serve

“While it might not sound like a big deal right now, I was with a woman for two years, and at first, she was fine with it, too. Eventually, though, she told me to go talk to someone about my issue and was upset because I never wanted to take my shirt off around her. I didn’t shower with her, and she wanted that. And I… well, during sex, I kept a shirt on.”

“Wait. Your ex told you to talk to someone?”

“Yes.”

“Not, like, asked if you wanted to or if you’d thought about it, but told you to go talk to someone?”

“She asked at first, but I told her that I didn’t want to, so she told me that I needed to eventually. We were having other problems by that point, so it didn’t matter. We weren’t really having sex at all, and she’d lost all interest in taking a shower together. She said what did it for her was that I was changing in my room by myself, and when she walked in from the kitchen where she’d grabbed coffee for us, I held the shirt to my chest because I didn’t want her to see it. She thought I’d eventually be able to show her, but I was never able to.”

“So, you’re worried that I won’t want this because I might not get to see you shirtless?”

“Yes,” Kendra said. “And it will start to bother you, Aspen.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Yes, anything. That’s what this is all about.”

“You said you showed me. You sent that picture. You pulled down your shirt. You sent that video. You even told me the whole story when you hadn’t done that before.”

“I haven’t.”

“But you did with me. What does that mean?”

“I think it means that while it still bothers me, and I have some things I need to deal with there, it’s… It’s not as bad when I’m with you, Aspen.” Kendra met her eyes and gave her a shy smile. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be totally comfortable showing it to you, though. That’s why I wanted to talk to you about this now, because if that’s important to you, if you’re going to think that I’m withholding or not willing to share a part of myself with you, and that’s going to be something that–”

“It won’t be,” Aspen interrupted.

“You can’t know that. It might bother you later. It’s not even about the scar, really; I don’t think. It’s about the trust thing. And she thought I–”

“Kendra, I think you’re beautiful. I would love to see all of you one day, to show you how beautiful I think you are everywhere I can touch, but I’d never push you to do something you don’t want to do. I’m secure enough in myself and, I think, in our relationship to know that it’s not about me. It’s not about you not feeling like you can share something with me.”

“No, it’s not. It’s a me thing.”

“I know. I get it. I won’t lie to you: I’d love it if, one day, things changed, and you were good with me seeing it and touching you everywhere. But if you’re not, I’m not going to be upset with you about it. And I’d never tell you to talk to someone if you didn’t want to or think you needed to.”

“I don’t know if I need to. Maybe I should’ve been talking to a therapist all along.” Kendra laughed a little. “My mom recommended it at first, and I considered it, but it wasn’t until I started dating and, well, you know, that I realized how much it had impacted me. At the time, though, I was still too angry about it to consider letting even a stranger in.” She leaned forward and took both of Aspen’s hands in her own. “You feel different, Aspen. You don’t make me feel bad about still being upset that I missed out on something. You make me feel like I can be more than what I am and that I can let the anger and disappointment go because it’s not getting me anywhere. Hell, I shared the story with you, and you didn’t even remotely suggest that I should be over a thing that happened to me when I was a teenager, and then again, with my surgery.”

“What? I’d never tell you that.”

“I know. And that’s part of what makes you different.”

“So, what you’re saying is that you don’t want me to get my hopes up?”

“I guess so.”

“Okay,” she replied quickly.

“Okay, what?”

“Okay, I won’t get my hopes up. Now, I’m starving. Are you hungry? Do you want to go out or order in? I think we should go out. I’m all dressed up, and I was hoping we could make tonight our first official date.”

“Aspen!”

“What?”

“Babe, I’m being serious here.”

“Yeah, I know. So am I. I’m not getting my hopes up. Look, Kendra.” She squeezed Kendra’s hands. “I want you. I want this. I want us to go out on a real date tonight, and I’d like us to make this official. You and me; together. I don’t want anyone else. Let me be clear, too, here because this is important: when I tell you that you’re beautiful, I mean you are beautiful to me inside and out. And I don’t mean in spite of that scar on your chest. I mean, in part, because of it. The strength you must have had to handle everything you’ve gone through… God, babe. I don’t know that I would’ve had that kind of strength. And I’m not just saying that, either. It’s the truth. For the most part, I’ve had things handed to me. I’ve worked hard; don’t get me wrong. But you’ve said it yourself: I have the natural talent for a sport I love. And I’ve made money at that sport, so it’s also a career that I love. I’ve not had any major injuries or reasons that I couldn’t compete.”

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