Page 44 of The Write Off

“I think I do, but why don’t you enlighten me anyway.” I never expected this reaction from him, but now that he’s started, I want him to finish. I need to know what’s going on inside his head to warrant this response.

“A month ago you couldn’t stand the guy. Now, after never showing interest in dating anyone, you’re going to date him? The guy whose job it is to get your book to the finish line? You know how impulsive you are. You’ll break up with him the first time he says something you don’t agree with and then you won’t be able to work together anymore.” Josh looks around the room for allies and upon not finding any, turns back to me, his voice softer now. “I just think you’re not thinking this through.”

I’ve idolized my brother since I was a small child. There is no one that I trust or respect more, not even my parents. I’ve always known he was in my corner and never questioned his support. So to sit here and listen to him voice all the negative self-talk my inner critic has been using to berate me this week hurts more than I can put into words. And I know a lot of fucking words.

It wasn’t just the absence of his support that cut deep; it was the sinking realization that the person I’ve always counted on maybe didn’t have my back as I’ve always thought.

I could come up with a self-deprecating comeback, or better yet find some way to twist his words and make fun of him. I’m sure either of those options would ease the tension that’s settled in the living room and put our friends at ease. Push down what you’re feeling. Deflect and distract.

But for once I choose not to put a bandaid over the blow he’s just delivered. Instead, I decide to let myself bleed.

“Right,” I say, setting my half-empty glass on a coaster. “You’re probably right. You usually are.” I turn to address a sympathetic-looking Maggie. “I’m going to take off. I’ve got a big word goal to meet tomorrow and I’m planning on getting up early.”

My hosts stand when I do and I thank them for having me. Callum goes to grab my coat from the closet and Maggie squeezes my hand as she walks me to the door.

“We’ll come with you,” Betty says, standing as well. She looks at my brother, who sits looking completely dumbfounded by the way the evening has turned out.

“No, Betts, really,” I plead. I know she’s upset, but the last thing I want is for her to try to make excuses for Josh or fix us right now. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

I make it out of the apartment and hit the down button on the elevator. When the doors open, I step inside, almost hoping the small metal box will plummet me down to the lobby as quickly as possible.

“Rilla, wait,” Josh appears in the hallway wearing the expression of someone who knows they fucked up. But I’m not in the mood to hear his apology so I hit the close door button. “I didn’t mean to–”

“I think you did,” I say as the doors slide shut with a soft whoosh. I feel a gentle lurch as the elevator begins its descent and I watch the floors tick by on the digital display above the door. For someone who spends so much time alone, I’m not sure I’ve ever felt more lonely.

Chapter 22

Logan

“Is that how it’s supposed to look?”

“I think so?”

“That’s not how the picture looks in the book–”

“God, I know, Anna!” Travis pushes himself away from both his sister and the building kit he’s working on. “The instructions are wrong.”

“Do you really think the instructions are wrong? Or do you think you missed a step?” I ask him, looking up from my food prep.

The Lego set he’s working on covers most of the kitchen table. Numbered bags and booklets are strewn everywhere, making it look like a multicolored mosaic.

I set aside the marinade I’m mixing and make my way over to the table. Anna hovers behind him, not near enough to be helpful, but close enough to annoy him.

“The mast is supposed to be on the other side,” he groans, turning the semi-assembled ship in his hands over. “I don’t know where I messed up.”

“Well, the great thing about Lego is you can always retrace your steps.” I say as I pick up the instruction booklet he’s currently on. “Work in reverse, removing the pieces you need to until you find where you went wrong.”

“But that will take forever!”

“Luckily for you, we’ve got all day.”

The forecast for this weekend is terrible. Snow mixed with rain and high winds means that we’ll be staying inside. I’m grateful that Shannon had the presence of mind to drop them each off with a Lego set they got at Christmas but haven’t gotten around to building yet.

Travis has been working on some kind of ship for the better part of an hour. It’s a massive set with more than twelve hundred pieces. Anna hasn’t started hers yet, choosing instead to alternate between acting as my shadow and irritating her brother.

I go back to working on what I’m planning to make Rilla for dinner this evening. After debating with myself for most of yesterday, I’ve settled on a menu of marinated chicken thighs with roasted vegetables. It’s easy to prepare and it won’t keep me tied up in the kitchen all night.

I’m looking forward to our date, more than I’ve looked forward to anything in a very long time. While nerve-racking, it was freeing being honest with her about my desire to date her. Rilla is a tough nut to crack and I know how hard it is for her to trust people. That’s why I intend to remain as honest with her as I can and hope she does the same.

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