Page 12 of Beggars, Sin, and Wine
“The hot tub? He’s been mad about that since he found out it’s extra.”
“Pretty sure he just wants hot tub sex,” I pointed out.
“You don’t?”
“There’s a natural hot spring in the mountain that we’ve had plenty of sex in that’s probably a lot more sanitary than that hot tub. Loads of people probably already had sex in it and that’s why there’s a fee.”
“Is it weird they could arrest me for charging money to fuck me in that hot tub, but they can charge a fee to fuck in the hot tub or am I thinking too hard again?”
“You’d better not be charging anyone for what’s mine. And yeah, it’s weird, prudish, and stupid. The people who made those laws and the ones keeping them on the books are paying the most for it, too.”
Pax’s phone went off. None of us were the kind of toxic, puffed-up men that needed to read it if one of us got a text. We wouldn’t be like that when we met our woman either. Trust and consent were a beautiful thing. Pax could have gone to the other room while his assistant read the text out, but he didn’t because he also trusted me.
“Man, once we spring those weird dudes’ green witch, we need to find Father Nathan’s old friend because the man apparently knows computers, too. He’d been looking into the Coalition, too, and tried infiltrating them once. He used everything he knows to make New Eden think I’m a transfer from a facility in Europe that got shut down recently because of the government. He said my Hamlet at the community theatre brought him to tears and he knows I can pull an accent to fool them.”
“Your Hamlet brought everyone to tears.”
“You do know how to flatter, but they expect their fake priests to live on site in some kind of dorm. I’ve been hiding, so no one knows I’m associated with the two of you, but I’m going to have to portal myself to the airport so I can pretend like I just caught a flight here when they pick me up.”
I grabbed Pax and hauled him into my lap so I could squeeze him.
“I swear to shit, if this goes wrong and they hurt you again, I’m killing everyone.”
“They won’t,” Pax said, nuzzling my neck. “You’re going to have to figure out what kind of gift basket to get a real priest who wants to get revenge on the fake priests who took his best friend would want. Father Nathan said they have this weird vetting process that involves ingesting a metric fuck ton of colloidal silver.
“It’s enough to seriously fuck us up, but colloidal silver is usually harmless to humans. Enough silver would kill them, too, but they aren’t giving them that dose. They are giving them just enough that it sometimes turns their skin blue. There are a few blue fake nuns and priests out there.”
“Smurf nuns!” Benji gasped. “No one told me we were cuddling.”
“You had to rearrange your whole plan because the chickens were out, baby.”
“I had an epiphany and now I need everyone to tell me I’m pretty, and brilliant, and feed me tacos.”
“Get over here, you.”
Benji probably did have an amazing plan that would get us where we needed to be. It was probably going to be insane and a million times worse than anything he’d ever done to Sheriff Riddle for making him lose that Pokémon.
And I wouldn’t know a damned thing about his plans until they were happening right in front of me.
Ididn’t quite realize the series of unfortunate events I was going to unleash by deliberately using my curse on someone. Fuck! It could at least be good for something. The gas they used on us was noxious. My head was pounding and my mouth tasted like chemicals when I woke up.
That wasn’t the worst part. They’d managed to get my fake nun statue moved, but instead of moving her out, they moved her in my cell. There was literally zero enrichment in here. It was four padded walls and a metal door. They finally gave me something to look at and it was the fake nun I’d turned to stone for starving me and torturing all of us.
“Seriously?” I shrieked when I saw her.
Then, I started coughing because of that stupid gas. I heard the scrape of a chair outside my door. Someone was camped out there. They could be worse than Sister Mary Eugene, but I highly doubted they were better or they wouldn’t be here.
“You need to take some time to think about what you did, so we had Sister Mary Eugene moved into your cell so she can continue to save the damned even in death. Maybe it will convince you to repent and finally break your curse.”
Who was this fucker? That had to be the funniest shit I’d ever heard, and I knew Gelos back in the day.
“The god that cursed me is older than your god. She was literally born from a thought and is insanely smart. Athena didn’t want her curse broken by anyone but her because other gods have tried. I’ve groveled until I’m blue in the face and it was not my fault I got raped. I haven’t met yours, but I’ve met several gods, little boy. Some of them are nice, but a lot of them are assholes who think their shit don’t stink. Yours isn’t any stronger or more important than the others.”
“You’re just deluded, child. I’m here to help. I’m Monsignor Hannibal.”
“Child? You’re the one who is deluded. I’m thousands of years older than you and you’re using a title you can only get from the Pope. Your group was excommunicated two Popes ago. I don’t know how long I’ve been down here since you bitches never turn the lights out, but the Pope when you kidnapped me had some pretty big opinions about all of you being charged with war crimes.
“Remember how I said I’ve met gods, unlike you? I’m close with a few of them. They’ll be looking for me. They are just trying to figure out where you’ve hidden me. You’re finally going to meet god, just not the one you were planning, and my friends tend to be a little more creative than yours.”
