Page 89 of 4-Ever

Was I happy?

I walked over to the bed and flopped down on it like a starfish. Everything felt unreal.

“I don’t think I have enough words, Mom.”

“You finally told him.”

“It’s been eating at me for so long. I never imagined—” I was getting choked up and I placed a hand over my eyes. “I almost can’t believe it.”

“I always knew you loved him. But I worried that he didn’t feel the same way. Or, that he didn’t want anything more than friendship. You were both so set on being single forever. That’s what you said. I never believed you, but given Ronin’s family history?—”

“I know.”

Would Ronin change his mind? He wouldn’t. Right?

A sudden tightness in my chest had me sitting up. But I wouldn’t let that fear ruin what was turning out to be the best thing that had ever happened to me.

“I’m going to take it day by day. I can’t worry about what might happen in the distant future. That kind of anxiety is what triggers my addiction.”

“You’re both older now, and hopefully, wiser. Just remember, there’s going be a period of adjustment. Be patient with him. And yourself.”

“I’ve been patient for years, that’s not the problem. I worry, he’ll change his mind.”

“It’s scary, all the unknowns, but you know what feels right. Trust in that. And in him. I know he loves you, but if he’s never been in a relationship before, there’s going to be growing pains. I suspect that ever since his father left, he’s afraid to put his whole heart out there. I can’t imagine how he felt, losing his dad like that. Ronin puts on a good show, but he’s just like you. Sensitive. And you’re going to need to be mindful of that. Don’t be surprised if at some point, he pushes away.”

“No matter what, he’s it for me,” I confessed. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Spoken just like your father,” Mom chuckled. “I was the same, you know. I fell hard and fast for your dad, but I was scared. I was always torn between doing what my parents wanted, what was expected, and what I wanted as an individual. Your dad wasn’t the man my parents wanted me to marry. Even though I was born in New York, my parents held firm to their cultural traditions, and your dad and I were very different. And I worried about that. How would it affect our daily life? If we had children? There were so many questions and worries in my head that I almost changed my mind.”

“What? I didn’t know all this.”

“It’s not something I wanted anyone, outside of your dad, to know. It wasn’t my love that was in question, it was everything else that came along with it. Falling is one thing. Living a life together, well, that’s a far more complex reality.”

It was. And being in the public eye didn’t help either.

I could picture the headlines now. As soon as the press latched on to our relationship, they’d be plotting our demise. After all, that’s what kept the tabloids going. There would always be stories, and rumors about someone we were spotted with. I did my best to ignore that shit now, but no doubt, some of that stuff got to me. And there was pressure too. If we hit a bump, how would that affect our music? The future of the band?

“It’s a lot. And given our celebrity, there’s going to be scrutiny on the two of us. I mean, given that we’re rockstars, there’s always trolls we have to deal with. Hateful bullshit because we’re gay. And then, sometimes, I don’t know if I’m the best thing for him. My addiction is never going away. What if I relapse? Is it fair to put him through that?”

“That’s a question you need to ask him,” my mom sighed. “Those conversations are tough, honey, but you have to do it. If you love him and you want to be with him, you can’t keep those thoughts to yourself. You tend to keep things bottled up, but you can’t. Not with Ronin. Not if you love him.”

She was right. I’d done that for so long, and it didn’t do me any good.

Like any first time—on stage, coming out, admitting my failings, falling in love—my nerves were riding high. But on the other side there was honesty, being true to myself. And what didn’t kill me, made me stronger.

I needed to be that. For me and for Ronin.

CHAPTER 28

RONIN

A WEEK LATER

Me and the guys spent a week in the studio, recording more songs, and getting ready to head out on the road again.

We had a concert in Nashville tonight, and then we were headed down to Florida, Georgia, and the Carolinas for the next few weeks. Then it was a flight to LA on June 30th for our concert there on July 1st, and San Francisco on the 4th. Up the west coast and across the country until we landed back in Nashville at the end of July. We had August off. It wasn’t the whole summer like we’d wanted, but hey, that’s rockstar life. And when you sign with a new label, you gotta put in the work.

You also have to play while you’re in demand. Time passes and new bands hit the stage. Fame is fleeting and so is the opportunity to make the most of it.

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