Page 33 of 4-Ever

“What is?”

“It makes me uncomfortable to talk about him. With you. When he’s not here,” I explained. “I mean, he’s been my best friend for two decades. What do you want me to say?”

“Whatever it is that you’re holding on to.”

I shook my head, reactive as always to the thought of revealing myself.

“We’ve tackled everything else in your life—your family, friends, your work,” she paused. “But not Ronin. Even at rehab, according to the notes I received, you refused to talk about him.”

“We’ll be here forever if you want to open that box.”

She nodded. “You’ve mentioned before that you find it difficult to express your deepest feelings out loud.”

“I do.”

“And what comes to mind when you think of Ronin?”

Everything.

“If it helps, use music as an analogy to describe him.”

“Booming,” I laughed and some of the tension in my stomach eased. “He’s a big guy, with a big voice, and his bass playing is the same. Loud. But he’s such a teddy bear inside. Always protective of me, his family, and the guys.”

The more I talked, the bigger the lump in my throat.

“He makes me laugh like no one else and he kicks my ass at video games. Says he doesn’t know how to write a song, but I’ve seen his poetry. It’s beautiful. He keeps a journal… shit, I shouldn’t be repeating that. No one else but me knows.”

“It’s safe with me,” Kenzie reassured me.

I nodded.

“I’ve never doubted that he cares about me. There’s always words of encouragement, rib-crushing hugs, and sometimes, slaps on the ass,” I quipped, shrugging my shoulders. “He’s very touchy-feely with people he’s close to. And he’s a major flirt.”

“Does that bother you?”

“The touching?”

“The flirting.”

I shook my head. “No. He does it with everyone.”

“Does he have a partner or partners?”

“Like me, Ro doesn’t do relationships. Just casual sex. Not that I keep tabs or anything. Or that we watch each other. Not anymore.”

“And by ‘watch’ you mean?”

“Voyeurism,” I blurted out.

“And how did you feel when you watched him having sex with someone else?”

At first, turned on. Then, later, irritated. Frustrated. Angry. Jealous as fuck.

“It was hot. At first.”

“If you went to see him now and he was with one of his lovers, how would that make you feel?”

I shook my head.

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