Page 103 of 4-Ever

I often wrote when we were on the road, journaling about our trips. And sometimes, I wrote my secret poetry. Not that I had any outstanding talent, but it was my creative outlet. One that I didn’t want to share with anyone. Well, only Faise knew about it. It bonded us, like so many other things we shared, just us two.

I sat down on the couch and flipped the notebook open. But as soon as I saw the handwriting, I knew that it wasn’t mine.

It was Faise’s. The words were laid out before me and, before I knew it, I was reading.

…It’s getting worse. I can’t watch him with every hot guy that comes along. The coke helps me forget, for a while, but it’s never enough. Part of me wants to tell him. But I know that Ro will freak out. And I can’t lose my best friend…

…I can’t remember what happened last night. Or how I got home. I wiped my face and traces of white powder and blood were streaked on my fingers. When I rolled over, there was a stranger in my bed. Fuck, I hate when they stay over. I must have passed out before I could tell him to get lost. How many guys have I fucked lately? Too many to count. But I needed it. I need to fuck Ro out of my system, even though no matter who or how many times, it never seems to work. And snorting him away isn’t working either. The hangovers are killing me. Thankfully, I still have a supply. Another hit and I won’t have to worry at all...

… I didn’t think coke would feel this good. And bad. Before, it was fun. But now, I need it more than anything. If I run out, I panic, and then everything, including my music, goes to shit. My life is shit anyway. Lately I feel like a robot. Travel, perform, take a bow, party, repeat. One city after another, the bright lights and eager fans all clamoring for a piece of us. It was awesome at first, all the beautiful people, the parties, the drugs, the attention. It was fun and heady. Until it wasn’t. Because I hate that I have to share him with other people. Now he’s all I think about. I can’t stop. I’m messed up. Keeping my feelings buried is something I thought I was good at. But it turns out, even introverts like me can’t keep holding on to shit forever. I’ve been pulling away from him. I need to. Otherwise, I know for sure, I’ll lose my mind. It’s already happening. The white devil has a death grip on me and he’s not letting go. Maybe that’s okay. It can take me. Then I won’t have this pain anymore…

Jesus Christ. What the fuck? I needed to stop reading. Put it away. Forget I ever saw that.

What the hell were you thinking?

I wasn’t. And I thought I knew Faise. That we had no secrets, not between us.

But apparently, I’d been wrong.

The door to the bus opened but I didn’t look up. Didn’t need to. I knew who it was.

Suddenly, Faise was standing in front of me, and the look in his eyes made me break out in a cold sweat. I was guilty as hell, but at the same time, so fucking angry about what I’d found out.

“Why are you reading that? It’s my fucking journal!” he snapped and pulled it out of my hand.

“I thought it was mine. It looks the same. I saw it on the table, and grabbed it by mistake. I’m sorry. By the time I realized… I—” Then my guilt turned to anger. “What the fuck, Faise? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

“Don’t!” I snarled. “The coke! The reason why you kept needing more and more. What you were going through. Tell me the truth!”

He threw the journal across the table. “Are you fucking kidding me? You saw me, you know what I went through!”

“Apparently not the reason why!” I yelled. “I can’t… I mean—” My lungs seized up. I was so out of breath I could barely form words. “The reason your addiction spiraled. It was me?”

CHAPTER 33

FAISE

“Don’t be so fucking egotistical! My addiction is about me, not you!” I shouted.

I was so fucking furious that Ronin had read my journal without asking first. My most private, inner thoughts. The place where I spilled my guts because I could. Because it was safe. Because there was no judgement there.

“That’s not what you wrote.”

I ran a hand through my sweat-soaked hair and stared at Ronin.

“Look, the fact that my partying got out of control, and it happened around the same time that I started noticing you as more than my best friend, yeah, it was shit timing. But it’s not the reason for my addiction. I was unhappy about a lot of things. But I didn’t know how to deal with it. Express it. Read the rest of it!”

“What?”

“Go on,” I urged and pointed to the journal. “You might as well read the rest. Or I can give you a recap. You see, I also talk about my family and the pressure I felt about making it big. How I always felt secondary to Rae because I wasn’t book smart like him. And there was the fact that I was the only queer person in my family. And the pressure to be outgoing and being under the microscope of the press when we became famous… you know all this. You know me!”

Ronin was shaking his head, like he didn’t believe a word I just said.

“I thought I did. But you said it, right there, in your own words. I was the reason you started using more and more.” Ronin paced the hallway. “I… I can’t deal with this. I need to go. I need to be alone for a while.”

He walked down the hallway to the back of the bus. I stood there, unable to move an inch.

---