Happiness had always been such a foreign concept to me, one that didn’t feel feasible. And now, despite the uncertainty, it was all I felt. Sure, fear was hidden deep inside but the happiness took over, especially when I saw my whole family together.
All I could think of was my mother.
I wished she could have felt this.
I wished she would have given herself the opportunity to love and be loved.
Taking a deep breath, I hugged my knees to my body, realizing my anger had given way to pity. I loved her...she would always be my mother after all, but I was done holding on to my anger and disappointment at the life we never had.
All I knew was that I would give my girls everything: my love and patience and understanding so they could always say their mother tried her best.
I closed my eyes, taking everything in.
“What are you doing all by yourself over here?”
I didn’t bother opening my eyes, instead, focusing on the sound of Blake’s voice.
“Are you meditating?” I could hear the smile in his voice and finally, looked at him to see if it was there.
His smile lit up his face, and I loved it. I hadn’t told him, but of course I’d noticed him texting Lisa since my wedding. I didn’t ask, but I knew what he felt for her.
“Kind of.” I reached out, covering his hand with mine and meeting his calm blue eyes. He’d given my heart happiness in its darkest moments, and he didn’t realize how much that had meant to me. “Thank you, Blake. You’ve been with me through everything since we met...that’s something I don’t take for granted.”
Blake didn’t say anything, never did when I thanked him...but I hoped he knew how much I appreciated him. I leaned my head on his shoulder, hoping he knew that if he ever needed anything, I would be there for him as well.
Chapter 34
Derek
Hannah had turned my world around and made me want things I didn't think I needed, much less deserved.
I watched as she told the girls to stop throwing the strawberries she'd cut up for them on the floor, and then as they threw them again. She sighed, shaking her head and finally sitting in front of them. I didn't have to look at her face to know that she smiled. Hannah adored our girls.
"They've decided to feed the floor, huh?" Our girls squealed when they saw me and Hannah glanced back with a small smile on her face. I pecked her on the lips, lingering there just a bit longer than usual. She seemed tired and pale, and though she seemed to be happy...I could feel something was wrong. "Is everything okay?"
Hannah took the plate from Isa and Annie, setting it in the sink before looking back at me.
"I don't feel well," she admitted.
"What is it?"
Hannah shrugged, before looking at our girls once again. "I just...I have a feeling...and it's making me anxious."
Tilting her head up with my fingers, I forced her to look at me. She swallowed thickly, quietly avoiding my gaze.
"I feel like something is wrong," she whispered. "Don't ask me what it is because I don't know."
I could see it in her eyes...the fear. Something was wrong, we just didn't know it yet.
I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her to my chest, holding her tight. I glanced at my girls and their mess, unable to avoid the feeling that took over. It was in her embrace, in her touch...she was terrified.
"We should move to Antarctica," she mumbled against my shirt. I gave a quiet chuckle at her words.
"The polar bears will get us then," I replied. Her soft laugh lightened the load on our shoulders, as did our daughters squeals. I gave them each a kiss and then Hannah, promising I'd be home soon.
I hadn't driven far when my phone began to buzz in my pocket. I touched the screen in the car, answering the phone call when I realized it was the private investigator.
Shit.