Page 18 of Always Right

We all held blame in this. None of us were innocent.

“What’s done, is done. There’s no point in dwelling on it now.”

Lisa hummed. “Maybe not. But there’s a lot to lose, and I don’t want you to.”

We sat talking, the conversation turning casual as we talked about everything except the situation at hand. After a while, Lisa excused herself, running off to play with Lily. I fed Annie and Isa, watched them as they dozed off, watching how the rest of the family filled the air with their lively chatter. Blake ran a hand down Hannah’s arm, and though the action made my blood boil, part of me accepted it.

She deserved someone who would help her fight her demons, not add to them.

“Want a drink?” Carter sat down beside me with a beer in one hand, a water bottle in the other. His eyes followed my gaze and he chuckled, shaking his head.

“Do I want it? Yes. Am I going to take it? No.”

“Attaboy,” he said, patting my back. “How are you holding up?”

I shrugged, turning my attention back to my daughters. “As well as I can be.”

Carter nodded. I had vague memories of him showing up every now and then during my relapse, bringing me food. Hell, I think he once cleaned up the mess around my apartment while I passed out on the floor. When I woke up, he was there, eating pizza. He’d offered some to me without saying a word, eating in silence. There was no judgment, no attempt to get me sober. Only a quiet meal.

“She’s comfortable with that boy,” Carter said, pointing his beer toward Blake and Hannah. They were looking at something on his phone now, and she smiled, though it didn’t meet her eyes. “He’s there for her, always. No hesitation. He’s a good friend, but there’s nothing more.”

I scoffed. “She has all the right to move on.”

“Hm. She does. It doesn’t mean she wants to.”

I didn’t say anything to that.

“Anyways...she’s comfortable with him. It takes a lot to get her to that point. Her mother...well...Evie didn’t have a loving mother, but Hannah never had the chance. She was caught in her grip from the start, always hoping she could earn some of the love that is supposed to be unconditional. Her mom stripped her of who she was and it’s taken her a lot of effort to get it back. I don’t think she’s fully there yet.”

He was right. Hannah always struggled. I knew it the moment I met her—her demons reflected my own. She doubted her instincts because she was forced to follow her mothers.

“You met her as an adult, but you didn’t see how Elizabeth tore her down as a child.” Carter took another sip of his drink, his mind on the distant memory. “When they adopted Evie...well, Hannah loved her. She always has. I think it’s always been hard for her to show it though. She’d learned to look out for herself, to do as her mother pleased. Her mom never physically hurt her but man...did she say things that stuck with her. Your childhood was no better, I’m aware. I’m just telling you, hers wasn’t either.”

My mother expects the world from me but gives me nothing in return.

She’d said that once, during our affair. She’d never elaborated. She’d said it one night in my arms, as she struggled to fall asleep.

Stay with me. I’ll give it to you.

“It was a shitty situation.” Carter sighed, running a hand through his gray hair. “We could do nothing but watch...and wait.”

“Wait?”

“It got to the point where it was Hannah calling the shots. We knew it would be her demise, and it was...but we knew she’d come around. We knew eventually, she would find herself again. You had a big part of it.”

I laughed, humorlessly. “I wouldn’t say that. Look where my fucked up issues got her.”

“Many things happened during your relapse but, her scars didn’t start with you.”

My eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?”

Carter stood up with a shrug, his hand squeezing my shoulder. “You’ll understand one day.”

***

The day soon turned into early evening. It was cold enough that the kids were all inside now, including Annie and Isa, who napped in the playpen Hannah kept at Evie’s house. Nathan’s parents helped clean up and Hannah...she stayed by herself, like she had done most of the day. With Lisa and Blake gone, there was no one else to keep us from talking to each other, though I knew she wouldn’t be the one to take the initiative.

She laid on a blanket, her arms underneath her head and her eyes fixed on the sunset. I hesitated...but only for a moment. There were still many things to say.

---