Page 93 of Always Right

“I never thought I would have this—a family. So much love in one place.” I looked over at her with tears blurring my vision. “I’m so afraid I will lose it all.” The admission stung, but it was time I said it.

The idea of losing the family I had built, the only man I’d ever loved...the love of a family I had never had frightened me so much it kept me up at night. I didn’t know how I could lose it, I just knew it was a very real possibility.

Deborah didn’t say anything, and for that I was thankful. I didn’t need her to find comforting words or say something to make me feel better...all I needed was to admit my fear out loud.

I couldn’t live in a world in which my daughters weren’t with me...in which Derek was gone. I needed them in my life, needed them with me to continue living. I couldn’t lose them.

I wouldn’t survive.

***

Evie’s house was quiet.

It felt empty without the sound of the kids or Evie and Nathan’s playfulness. I walked upstairs to her bedroom and knocked on the door, asking if I could come in so I could finally talk to her. A faint “come in” came from behind the closed door and I opened up, catching a glance of Nathan who sat on the bed with an annoyed look on his face. Evie stood in front of a mirror, putting on some earrings and forced a smile in my direction.

I thought I was having a rough time.

The couple who was usually playful seemed tense.

“I wanted to talk to Evie,” I said quietly and Nathan looked up at the ceiling, letting out a huge breath.

“Thank God,” he muttered. “She’s been avoiding you all day.”

Evie glared at him, but didn’t say a word.

I wondered why she hadn’t been outside with the rest of us, but now it made sense. She probably thought I’d be uncomfortable. It was always like her to remove herself from a situation, assuming it would be best, instead of asking. She hated confrontation.

Nathan stood up and hugged her from behind, placing a kiss on her cheek. The sweet gesture made her smile, genuinely this time, and she nodded at whatever he whispered in her ear.

It was sweet, seeing how much he loved her.

I used to envy that love, now I had one of my own.

Nathan excused himself, leaving Evie and I in awkward silence until I spoke.

“Why are you hiding up here?”

Evie shrugged. “I figured you didn’t want to see me.”

I gave a little laugh as I sat next to her.

“I’m sorry about telling Derek,” she said. “I should have never told him. I was just so worried about you.”

“I understand. But it’s not your story to tell, Evie. Had it been anyone else I would be livid.”

Evie cleared her throat, but didn’t say anything for a few seconds. I could tell she had a lot on her mind, a lot of things to work through herself. “I’m just afraid you’ll try to hurt yourself again, Hannah. It was so scary and I don’t know how to process the fact that leaving you alone when you’re upset is okay.”

I took her hand and squeezed it gently when I noticed the tears in her eyes. It had been easy to forget how much my attempt affected her. She would be with me 24/7 for a few weeks after that, and I couldn’t say I blamed her. She was terrified.

“You have to remember we are completely different people.” Evie looked at me and wiped her tears. “You need company when you’re upset, but I...I crave the silence. I crave being alone. It gives me time to think through things, through the situation. I need you to understand that’s just part of who I am. I think I’ve been through enough therapy to know myself well enough now. I can understand that I need help. And with my girls, well, it’s easier to recognize the signs.”

She sniffled and nodded, satisfied with my explanation. I gave her a few moments to process what we’d talked about, hoping this was the only time we would have to discuss this and then stood up, taking her hand so she would as well.

“C’mon. It’s not a family reunion if you’re not there.”

***

I sat on the grass, looking at the stars that luckily were visible on this side of town. My girls were sound asleep in their stroller while Derek chatted with Nathan on the patio. I closed my eyes, feeling the gentle breeze of the night against my skin, savoring the sweet silence that allowed my thoughts to take flight.

---