Page 11 of Always Right

Nana would have known what to say. She would have said it regardless of how I felt. I never appreciated her wisdom when she was alive...but now that she was gone...now that my life was a mess, I would have given anything to have it.

We continued on our walk to the house, the conversation becoming lighter with every step we took. She joked about Lily’s adventures at preschool and about Noah’s constant dirty diapers, and I listened, mostly because I didn’t want to discuss my journey with motherhood. It had been painful, rough. I caught a quick glance at my scars, hiding them with the sleeves of my shirt, a quick bought of shame coursing through my veins as I remembered that day.

I knew there was nothing to be ashamed about, they were my battle scars, but my heart constricted at the thought that I was already pregnant when I did it.

I didn’t know it then, but still...

Guilt is an evil thing.

We arrived at the house a few minutes later, Lily’s excited voice coming from the kitchen and then Nathan’s hearty chuckle filled the air as he laughed at whatever his daughter said. Evie walked up to Nathan, pressing a kiss on his lips which he returned without hesitation. His hand landed on her waist, and he whispered something in her ear which made her flush.

I wrinkled my nose and his eyes met mine, another chuckle leaving his lips. “Playpen,” he said, answering my unasked question.

I smiled, leaving them to their lovey dovey scene and headed to the living room, hearing the quiet cooing that came from it. A smile formed on my lips as I saw the innocent eyes looking up at me, forcing the dormant butterflies in my stomach to take flight.

Because this...this was true love.

It was real, unconditional.

I wouldn’t ever do what my mother did to me...and I would tell Derek eventually. I had to. But not yet. I wanted to be selfish for a little longer, keep this piece of him with me, guarded. I didn’t want to confront the family we would never have and maybe that made me selfish, but it was okay. I didn’t care. I didn't ever want to see heartache in those eyes because of the chaos that came with our relationship, because eventually, it would all blow up. We were a bomb, ticking, waiting for the explosion. Waiting for the collapse.

“Mommy loves you,” I said, blowing a kiss.

I walked down the hall into the restroom, splashing water on my face. I didn’t recognize the woman in the mirror. She was nothing like the woman I was a year ago, the woman that had opened her heart up to the world, to trust.

I shuddered, thinking that this woman in the reflection would make my mother proud. I didn’t want to be her and yet there I was. Running a hand over my face I sighed, forcing myself to smile.

I’ll be okay.

I was in the restroom for less than a couple of minutes.

Funny, how in only a few seconds, it could all change. Life had a funny way of doing that.

Cruel? Maybe.

Expected? Always.

Lily talked, her voice excited. She was talking so fast I didn’t understand a word she said, but I made out one word clearly.

Twinsies.

Everything was quiet for a few seconds. Only a few. I closed my eyes, waiting. Waiting. I could sense him the second I stepped out of the restroom. I could feel his presence even with a hallway between us.

Courage was a fickle thing. Loyalty was too.

I wasn’t going to make my sister choose, not after everything she’d done for me.

Bracing myself, I moved to the living room, all their eyes meeting mine, while Derek’s stayed glued to the pink playpen. His shoulders were tense, his jaw was tight.

I wanted nothing else to run my hands over his shoulders, ease the tension. My fight was fading, quickly disappearing as I saw his gaze set on them.

His daughters.

They squealed.

Fucking squealed, as if they knew who he was. As if they had always known he would be back.

The sound tore my heart open. He stared and stared at them, and I wondered if he saw himself in them. If he saw their green eyes, if he noticed the little dimple one of them had on their cheek, or how their perfect nose resembled his. I wondered if he knew.

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