Page 21 of House of Lies

“Did you tell Fabio about it?”

I know he wants a large family.

“God, no! He’ll want me to keep it. And I’m not sure if I can handle it.”

Silence hangs between us, filled with emotion. I’m not living her life, and she’s not living mine, but we understand each other. My heart aches for her pain. Cosima and I have always been close, and I can’t bear to see her suffer, but the helplessness of our situation binds us.

“I’m scared,” she whispers, so vulnerable that my heart breaks.

“It’s okay to be scared, sis. But you don’t have to do this alone. We’ll get through this together. Whatever you decide, I’m here for you.”

“Thank you.”

“We’ll figure this out, okay? Let’s have lunch tomorrow.”

I have no idea what I will say to her, but I will not leave her alone. Whatever she wants to do, I’ll be there for her.

“See you tomorrow.”

My heart feels heavy as I end the call. She’s braver than I am. She had already brought two children into this fucked-up world.

In the past week, I have been trapped in limbo, unable to process my feelings fully. I wish I could move on and stop thinking about Mattia, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’ve spent my time trying to distract myself by doing some illustrations, but I lost myself in thoughts and realized too late that, at some point, I'd started drawing his face. I don’t want to, but I feel a twinge of anticipation at the thought that he might be back soon and worry that he might not. I struggle to find my way through the tangled mess of our relationship, and the only thing I know for sure is that I’m all alone in the process. I have no idea what’s going on inside Mattia’s mind, and I have a hard time dealing with the conflicting emotions that come with his absence. It doesn’t get any better when he’s here, either.

I take a shower, trying to quiet my mind. His eyes have haunted me recently. Dressed in a black satin nightdress and robe, I study my reflection in the mirror. Red hair cascades freely around my shoulders, not because I hide bruises but simply because I want it that way. It feels unfamiliar. I go downstairs to grab a glass of juice when I hear movement from the corridor where his office is. I’m not prepared to enter the room again. The last time I did, he almost choked me to death because I dared to interrupt one of his meetings. Mattia will always be a wolf, even if things have been different lately.

My plan has changed, and I must summon the courage to knock on the door, my heart pounding.

“Come in.”

The room is dimly lit, with the only source of light emanating from a tall lamp in the corner. Mattia sits behind his desk, his head cradled in his hands. I’m unsure if he heard me enter, but I close the door and approach his desk, leaning against the edge a few inches away.

“Mattia?” I whisper his name cautiously, unsure if he’s angry or if something else has happened. “What’s wrong?”

Tonight, there is no blood on his hands. A gun rests on the opposite side of the desk, closer to his reach than mine. I close my eyes, attempting to calm myself. He won’t kill me tonight. Not now.

“Nothing,” he replies, his voice heavy as he takes a deep breath, not looking at me.

“You know you can talk to me, right? I know things haven’t been great between us, but you can trust me. I’m here for you.”

At this moment, it might not even be a lie. At least, not entirely. While I may later use any information he shares against him, I want to help him feel less alone. It’s a feeling I can’t shake despite my best efforts. Taking a step closer, I remove his hands from his face, forcing him to look at me. Acting impulsively, I sit on his lap. He raises an eyebrow and leans back slightly, allowing me to settle against his chest. The belt of my robe loosens, and the satin nightdress lifts on my thighs.

“I trust no one.”

His statement resonates with me. That makes two of us. I can’t blame him. He rests a palm on my thigh. The sudden warmth on my skin gives me goosebumps. We have never been this close outside of the bedroom since he made me come every night. I shouldn’t do this.

“I’ve missed you.” He smirks, revealing the dimples on his cheeks.

My stupid heart misses a beat. I fail to see the point of this lie.

“I’ve missed you too.”

It’s a lie.

It’s a lie.

It’s a lie.

It has to be. But is it entirely a lie? I have given myself freely to him so far to prove a point. To show him everything he has been missing in this marriage, but it’s not a one-way street. He’s showing me how it could have been too—everything we could have shared if he weren’t such a monster. It messes with my head. I place an arm around his shoulders, leaning against his chest. The sleeves of his black shirt are rolled up, exposing his forearms. A loosened black tie hangs around his neck, his black hair is tousled, and his eyes—a captivating blend of light and dark—draw me in. They are a deep, smoky shade tonight, like the sky on a cloudy day. A storm is brewing on the horizon. I wish I didn’t find them so mysterious and captivating. I noticed something that morning when I kissed him without overthinking it. When the light hits them, they sparkle with a hint of silver and blue, like a swirling nebula. His eyes hide a world of secrets, a gateway to a place I’ll never be allowed in. He makes me feel vulnerable, never safe in his arms.

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