Page 44 of A Brilliant Spring

Nurses bustle into the room, pushing my mother out of the way as they work on extracting the breathing tube. My throat is raw, and feels like tiny razor blades have nicked the passageway.

“Now, don’t try to talk for a little while,” the nurse chides as I move my lips to speak. She nods to another nurse, who disappears and returns seconds later with a pitcher of water and a cup. He fills up the cup and hands it to me, and I take it cautiously, bringing the rim to my lips and tipping it back slowly. The cool water does wonders to soothe my aching, burning throat. I didn’t even realize how parched I was until I took that first little sip. “You were in an accident, and you’re at Mount Sinai Hospital.” My eyes shoot wide open. “The doctor will be in to check on you shortly.” The nurse gives me a polite smile and a nod to my mother in the corner as she leaves.

“Oh, Elissa!” my mother cries. “I thought I lost you too!” Purple circles rim her eyes, making it look like she’s been punched in the face. Her eyes are also bloodshot and watery. A wave of uneasiness washes over me, because I don’t recognize this person in front of me. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my mother show any kind of concern for anyone or anything other than herself or her appearance. That’s not true, she cried at your father’s death. Yeah, but that was the exception. “I am so sorry for everything,” she stammers. Her breathing is laboured as her dainty fingers curl around my hand. “I have so much to make up for and I’m going to take advantage of you not being able to talk to clear some of the air.” A grumble rises in my throat and my mother clicks her tongue at me. “Don’t start with your obstinance, and just listen.”

My mother says nothing for a few moments. Her eyes stay trained on me, overflowing with emotion. My body squirms and I feel like I need to shrink, to worm my way out of this somehow, and get away. She must notice or sense I’m restless because she pins me down with a motherly stare I’ve never seen before, and it freezes me in my spot.

“Now, I know I’ve never been the best mother,” she starts, and a mix of a snort and a scoff erupts in my throat before I can stop it, causing a searing pain. My mother’s eyes narrow and her lips press into a firm, thin line. Once she’s convinced I’ll be quiet, she continues. “As I was saying, I’ve never been the best mother, and for that I can only say I am sorry. I let my love for Harold influence how I treated you. I tried to be that trophy wife he always pressured me into being. Now, I know this is going to seem like an excuse, but he never used to be like that. There was a time when he was warm, loving, and caring. I know it’s hard to believe, but once he found success and saw how the other businessmen ran their lives, your father just wanted to be one of them.”

I roll my eyes. She’s right — it does sound like an excuse. She’s lucky I can’t really talk right now. She clears her throat and levels her gaze at me, clearly expecting me to restrain any kind of sarcastic communication.

“Your father was a brilliant man. Ambitious, hardworking, and strong-willed. Much like yourself. I wonder sometimes if he always knew you were too similar, and that’s why you never got along. He held a lot of resentment because you were a woman, and that was old-fashioned of him. Let’s be honest — the Harold you knew was an ass. But please believe me when I say that change was gradual. As he became more successful, and the people in our society started accepting him, he morphed into the people he emulated. I believed if I loved him through these changes, I would still see the man I fell in love with. But when I couldn’t find that man any longer, I ended up changing with him, because it scared me to lose him. He was still Harold, the man I fell in love with, and I convinced myself a part of him was still in there somewhere.” My mother pauses and looks down at her lap, twisting a tissue in her hands.

“I just want to say how sorry I am for the part I played in making you feel the way you do. When you bonded with Lana so easily, I was jealous. I suffered from postpartum depression, though I didn’t know it at the time. My jealousy consumed me, and the contempt I got from your father for you being a girl…well, it didn’t help. Harold withdrew further and further from me, and it broke my heart a little more each time. And I lost a piece of myself every time I saw you with Lana, but your father refused to fire her. I begged him, even threatened him with divorce. But Lana was loyal, she was an excellent housekeeper, and he refused to let someone go over petty jealousy. Which, honestly, I came to admire, years later. He was loyal to a fault. Maybe not to his family, but to his employees.”

Tears form in my mother’s eyes, and her bottom lip quivers as she stops talking. Her shoulders collapse as she hunches over and pulls out another handful of tissues. She dabs at her eyes and gently wipes her nose before muttering an apology.

“I loved him, Elissa. And he was a good man, once upon a time. I’m sorry you never met the man I loved. Losing Harold started this wave of revelation within me. Yes, he changed, and our marriage became nothing more than a publicity thing. But I stuck by him because of the man he was. And then, almost losing you, without getting a chance to reconcile. Without getting a chance to actually know this incredible woman in front of me —”

My heart is beating at full speed, and there’s no sign of stopping. The computer monitoring my heart rate beeps quietly in the background, speeding up to match my racing heart, but my mother and I don’t notice it. I’m too focused on what the fuck is coming out of her mouth. Who the hell is this woman in front of me? It feels like I’m suffocating. A thousand-pound weight is pressing down on my chest, and there’s no way of getting it off me. I’ve waited my whole life for this apology. This conversation. And I can’t say anything. All I can do is listen, and it’s killing me. I feel all of my defences crumbling one by one, and all those years of hurt and pain are easing.

“Both your father and I have done a lot of things wrong. I admit that. But you wouldn’t be the woman you are if we had acted any other way. That doesn’t excuse our actions, I know. But Elissa, despite us, despite everything we put you through, you are…extraordinary. And through all this, I’ve finally had enough. Losing your father and almost losing you…well, it’s changed me. I feel so ridiculous to be that cliché of a woman, but it changed me. And I can only hope you’ll give me a chance to get to know you. I don’t think for a second that things will be easy, or we’ll ever be close like you and Lana. I’m not foolish. But I just want a chance.”

She’s breaking my heart, and I didn’t think I had any space left in my heart for my parents to break. There’s a tidal wave of emotions crashing around inside me, and I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to withstand them. I’m drowning in the rising tide. Each brick of my emotional dam cracks a little more the more she speaks, and I can’t repair the wall fast enough. I’ve waited my whole life to hear words like these, and I always wanted to rub it in their faces that I never needed them. But now? Now, I don’t know what to do with these revelations. Her words never stop; it’s like she’s broken an emotional dam of her own. I choke on my tears, willing them back to where they came from.

“So, can we?” she asks in earnest. My face twists into confusion and my nerves flare up, not sure of what she’s asking as I retreat into my internal chaos. “Can we please try?” She inches closer to the edge of the chair, like she’s ready to jump off the cliff if she doesn’t get the right answer. Her eyes are wide and wild, darting from side to side, waiting for my answer. Tears well in her eyes again and I can see and hear her heart breaking with every second I take to answer. I currently hold all the power in our relationship dynamic, and I’m not sure how I feel about it.

“Please,” she whispers brokenly, and that one word shatters everything inside of me. The dam collapses and tears spill from my eyes, cascading down my cheeks and soaking the gown I’m wearing like I’ve been standing out in a thunderstorm. My strangled voice gets stuck in my throat and all I can do is nod. Her dam breaks, too. And just like that, both of us are sobbing as she comes to the bed and cradles me.

•••

A couple of hours later, my mother leaves to get cleaned up and grab a quick nap. She looked like she needed the sleep. I can’t believe my mother was beside my bed this whole time. Maybe she really means everything she said.

A light knock sounds on my door and it clicks open. Wide brown eyes peek in the door, brimming with tears. Riley’s black hair is sleek and perfect, like always. As she pushes open the door, Rhys follows behind her closely, his arms wrapped around her like she’s fragile, his eyes full of concern as he stares at her.

When our eyes connect, we’re both sobbing fools. Riley climbs into the bed with me, and I wince as she nudges my ribs.

“I’m so sorry!” she squeals through her tears.

“Fuck off and get over here,” I rasp, choking on my laughter and tears. Her arms encircle me and we lay together and cry. It feels like eternity before the last tear dries up. Rhys clears his throat, and his eyes focus on Riley. A silent conversation takes place between them, and I feel sorely out of the loop.

Riley slips off the bed and sits on the chair beside me, propping her feet up off the floor onto my bed.

“What was that about?” I narrow my eyes and glare at Rhys.

“She’s supposed to be on bed rest,” he grumbles, and I feel a vibration of anger floating toward me. But I don’t focus on him, it’s Riley I’m worried about.

“What is he talking about, Riles?” She looks away, her eyes filling with…guilt? Or sadness?

“So, the accident? I could have lost the baby. I went into preterm labour from the stress and everything,” she raises her hands to halt my interruption. “We’re okay, E. Don’t feel bad. Everyone is okay. And Rhys has been great with my recovery. He took a week-and-a-half off work to make sure I was okay. And…”

I cock my head at her trailing off, getting annoyed with the pause.

“And?” I ask impatiently. Riley’s face blooms with happiness and she holds up her hand. I see the glittering diamond perched on her slim finger. “Oh my God. Are you engaged?!” I’m bewildered more than anything. After all he put her through, they’re engaged? My eyes dart between Riley and Rhys, and his arms fold across his chest. I see the whites of his knuckles from his fists clenching, like he’s waiting for a fight. “Oh Riles!” I gush. “I am so happy for you,” I say, and I see the tension leave Rhys’ body. His arms relax and his expression eases, but I squint at him just the same. “Don’t fuck this up, Rhys.”

He instantly stiffens. “You’re one to fucking talk,” he mumbles.

“What the fuck does that mean?” Raging anger flares inside of me and I catch Riley glancing at Rhys and muttering something. Rhys waves her off, and my irritation grows. They’re keeping something from me, and I am about to lose it on them. “Hello??”

---