Page 18 of A Brilliant Spring

“But you agreed, so you must have feelings for him, too.” Elissa’s face burns bright red. “Oh my God. You really have feelings for him. You love him, don’t you?” Elissa tries to avoid my stare, and I see sweat beading on her forehead. I chuckle. “Why not tell him that then? Maybe that’ll change things. I know he loves you; you destroyed him when you left in the summer.” Her shoulders slump and her body sinks further into the couch like she’s being pulled into a garburator.

“I…I can’t say it. Those words.”

“I know they can be scary, but it’ll feel really good to share your feelings with him.” She shakes her head, her copper strands floating across her face. Her shoulders roll and she straightens up on the couch, only to pull her legs up and tuck them under her ass. She leans forward, grabs the remote off the glass coffee table, and starts flicking through the channels, effectively shutting down this conversation. I sink into the couch and absentmindedly rub my belly and click my tongue. It kills me that she has this wonderful man, a man who we all know loves her, and she’s terrified of opening her heart to him. Elissa flips through the channels, not staying on one too long — nothing is capturing her attention. She’s clearly distracted with this shit going on between her and Brandt.

Chapter

Seventeen

Elissa

The last few weeks have been strained, so I’ve been burying myself in work. My skin craves the way Brandt used to touch me. It seems like he’s avoiding me, and I can’t figure it out. He’s pushing me away for some reason, and I’m too scared to bring it up. This is why I don’t do relationships. This is why I stay away from attachments. One day everything is fine, and the next someone’s done something to hurt the other. I like easy-breezy. The worst part of this is that I’ve finally allowed myself to be open to the possibility of more, of allowing myself to feel more.

I know Riley is right. I know I need to talk to him, but I’m terrified that if I put myself out there and lay it on the line, I’m going to get hurt. It’s easier to just deny that something’s even wrong. But truly, it’s no longer the same. The passion is his eyes seems dimmed, the electric current that sparks between us is now more of a hum. We’re seeing less and less of each other and I’m not sure what to do. I decide to take a week off work and relax, just to think about things. I schedule an appointment with my therapist and decide to go home for the week.

I roll my black suitcase into the spare bedroom in Lana’s house, drop it on the plush double bed, and look around the familiar room. Soft yellow curtains with little daises on them frame the window in the centre of the wall, the brass bedframe shines from the light flowing into the room. There are two narrow white nightstands on either side of the bed, each with small colourful succulents on them, along with a lamp. Across from the foot of the bed is a closet, with those old particleboard doors with the brass circular finger hole. I let the familiar scent of lavender and honey from the linens fill my nose when little feet patter into the room. “’Lissa, do you wanna play dinosaurs with me?” I offer Knox a gentle smile as I ruffle his thick, dark hair.

“Not right now, buddy. I just need to get settled. I’ll be down in a bit.” Knox nods his head enthusiastically and runs out of the room, stomping down the stairs. I collapse on the bed next to my suitcase and my chest caves as I release a breath. I haven’t talked to Brandt in a few days, so he doesn’t know I’m here. I reach over to my purse and grab my iPhone 14 out and tap out a message to him, trying to keep the lines of communication open.

Me: Hey…just wanted to let you know that I went to Chatham for the week to visit Lana, in case you’re wondering where I am. I’ll talk to you later.

Three dots pop up on the screen, then disappear. I curl my hands around my phone, raising it above my head, hanging it in the air, waiting for him to respond. The dots appear and disappear a few times and then — nothing. I sigh, dropping my phone beside my head. What the fuck is wrong with me? I’ve never been like this before. I need to figure some shit out and decide what to do and what’s best for me, because clearly Brandt is having second thoughts.

A light knock sounds on my door and I crook my neck to look over at the doorway. A pair of upside-down, soft, brown, almond-shaped eyes and downturned lips smile at me. Lana’s sleek, straight black hair has strands of silver woven through it. “Dinner is ready, love.” I push myself up onto my elbows and rest like that for a minute before heaving a breath and moving the rest of my body. When I reach the door, I almost tower over Lana’s petite body. It’s kind of funny to see the woman who raised me be half-a-foot shorter than me. Even though I’m taller than her, I will forever look up to her. She’s the best person I know. She grabs my hand with both of hers and wraps her fingers around my fist tightly. She looks into my eyes, and it’s like she can see into the depths of my mind. “It’ll work itself out, don’t worry.” My heart skips as my face falls and I nod my head. She jerks her head for me to follow her downstairs for dinner.

Steel clangs against ceramic as we finish eating dinner and Tiago clears the table and starts on the dishes. Knox runs off to his room to play, leaving Lana and me at the table. Her soft brown eyes melt with sadness as she looks at me.

“What’s going on, baby girl?” My heart swoops.

“How do you do that? How do you just know?” She smiles and pops a shoulder up.

“A mother always knows.” I’ve missed her.

“Things are strained between Brandt and I. And I’m not sure why. We decided at New Year’s to give this relationship thing a try, and now he’s pulling away, Mom. I don’t get it.” I prop my elbows on the table and bury my face in my hands. “I didn’t want this, a relationship. I never did, but I was willing to try, for him, and he flipped his mind within a matter of weeks. I’ve always felt something was different or wrong with me, but the fact that he can’t stand me for longer than a month of dating is just…frustrating. I thought I was doing a decent job at this girlfriend thing.”

Lana looks at me with patient eyes as I pour my heart out to her. Her hands slide across the dark tabletop and clasp around my elbows, bracing me.

“So, what changed?” My eyes catch hers and I know mine are swimming with confusion.

“What do you mean?

“What happened when you noticed the change?” The will reading. I know that threw him off, and my mother even alluded to some things, but I didn’t think that was an issue. I tell Lana as much. She’s thoughtful for a minute, her eyes shifting as if she’s mentally sorting something in her mind.

“A person usually has two reasons for doing something: a good reason and the real reason. Thomas Carlyle.” I stare at Lana.

“I don’t get it,” I mumble.

“I just mean he’s not doing it for no reason. Something happened to trigger this, and he has his reasons. If you want to know what they are, you have to ask. That’s the only way, I’m afraid.”

“Yeah, I’m afraid too. But it’s the answer I’m going to get that really scares me.” Lana’s eyes shine and crinkle in the corner. Tiago comes out of the kitchen and places warm mugs with steam rising out of them in front of us, then leaves the room again. “What?” I ask.

“It’s just nice seeing you being honest with yourself. I’m glad you’re not closing yourself off this time.”

“I…I’m trying. I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want him if he doesn’t want me.”

She pulls my hands out from under my chin, gathers them in hers, and squeezes. “It’ll be okay. And if it isn’t, at least you tried. And no one can say you didn’t try your best to give him what he needed.” She always knows what to say. A lump forms in my throat and I bite back the tears.

My phone vibrates on the table and I look down at the illuminated screen to see Riley’s name.

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