Page 73 of It Started at the Lake

“When Jen fell when we were mountain climbing. The crunch of her body hitting the ground haunts me to this day.” Bile shoots to the back of my throat as the sound replays in my head.

“Oh, Bennett.” Millie says with compassion, wrapping an arm around me until I’m being side hugged by her.

Her steady touch gives me the courage to continue. “I was so scared, Mils. Blood pooled everywhere. Her arm and leg were at odd angles.” My next words get caught in my throat. Tears sting the back of my eyes. “I thought she was dead. She should have died. But like the fighter she was, she hung on. For six more months.”

I clear my throat, trying to get the emotions stuck there unclogged. “Those were the longest six months of my life. I took a sabbatical from work the first month, staying by Jen’s side. I read to her, talked to her, watched old movies and made comments about the parts we liked. No matter what I did or said, Jen stayed in a coma. Her condition not improving, not worsening. No brain activity. With every day that passed, the doctors warned me she'd be a vegetable if she ever woke up.

“Six months after—” Tears pool in my eyes. I rub at them, trying to get them to stop coming, but it’s useless. The pain in my heart can’t be eased by any other means than by letting the tears flow.

Millie rubs my back. “Take your time, Bennett. I’m not going anywhere.”

I let out a shaky breath. “Six months after she arrived at the hospital, the doctors approached me with some papers. The odds of Jen waking up and living anything resembling a normal life were slim to none. They wanted me to make a decision. Keep her alive by machine, or give her body and soul the rest it deserves. That was the third time in my life when I was scared out of my mind. My hand shook so badly when I signed the papers, my signature was unrecognizable.”

Millie sniffles. Her voice is wobbly as she says, “I didn’t know. Evie didn’t tell me much about what happened to Jen except that she fell while rock climbing. Oh, Bennett. I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine what you went through.”

A fresh wave of tears, along with a pain so deep in my core, drops me on all fours in the dirt. “I killed her, Millie. I took her life away. Our life. Our hopes and dreams. I don’t deserve happiness, or a chance at another relationship. My punishment is to be alone until we’re reunited.”

She gets on the ground next to me. Both of her arms wrap around me. She pulls until I’m sitting between her legs, her head resting on my shoulder. “I’ve got you, B.”

I cover my face with my hands, letting sobs rack through my body. I’ve cried more tears than I ever thought possible the last three years. It still shouldn’t hurt this much.

Her tone is soothing as she says, “It’s the guilt talking. Bennett, you didn’t do anything wrong and you don’t need to punish yourself or carry this burden alone. I’m here, and like it or not, I’m not going anywhere. You deserve to be happy again. I’ll help you through this until you recognize you are worthy of living a full life. Jen loved you. Don’t you think if the roles were reversed, you’d want her to move on? That you wouldn’t hold her accountable for being brave enough to make such a difficult decision?”

I can’t respond. Yes, Jen loved me, but that doesn’t negate what I did.

We stay like this for what feels like ages. Me crying, Millie holding me, whispering reassurances she won’t leave me.

“I’m sorry. You probably don’t want anything to do with a murderer. I wouldn’t blame you.”

“Bennett, no.” She scoots until she’s in front of me. She places her palms on either side of my face, forcing me to look at her. She’s blurry through my tears. “You did not kill Jen. It was an accident that took her life, not you.”

I’m stunned she didn’t demand we tell everyone we’re no longer together because I’m a monster. Doesn’t she get it? “But I’m the one who signed the papers, Mils,” I say firmly. “I’m the one who had to tell her parents what I’d decided without them.”

“Relying on a machine to keep you breathing is not a life, Ben.”

“What if she woke up? What if a month later, she would have woken up and lived a normal life again?”

“Did the doctors say that was a possibility?”

“No,” I whisper, feeling helpless and hopeless all over again.

Millie kisses my forehead. It’s tender and sweet and breaks me in a new way. “You made the right decision, B. My heart is shattered for you and for Jen. But please, please believe me when I say you did not kill her. Please let go of the guilt. This wasn’t your fault.”

“I’ve tried for three years.”

Millie lets go of my face and wraps her arms around me again. “Then I’ll be here to hold you for as long as you need. Until you know, like the rest of us, that her accident wasn’t your fault.”

“You’re absolutely sure you want anything to do with me after what I told you?”

“More than anything.”

We’re quiet on the way home. I’m lost in my pain. Memories of Jen and the hospital. Millie must sense I need a little time, because she doesn’t fill the silence like she’s prone to do.

Twenty minutes later, we’re back at the house. Millie doesn’t wait for me to open the car door for her. I’d take it as a sign she’s mad at me, except I think she’s as weighed down by our conversation as I am. At least, I hope that’s all it is.

“I’m going to journal before dinner,” Millie says as we walk in the side door. “See you later?”

“I’m sorry I dumped all of that on you. I felt like you needed to know why I can’t risk loving someone again.”

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