Page 95 of Disguised as Love

“Are you really done with the Bureau?” she asked.

“Turned in my resignation today,” I told her.

She frowned.

“What?”

“Well, you just got home from a pretty intense situation. I just don’t want you to rush into a decision that you’ll regret later,” she said.

“I thought you’d be throwing a party. You hated me working for the Bureau.”

“I hated that you were in danger, but I’ve always wanted you to do what you wanted to do,” she said firmly, and I knew it was true. She’d never once tried to talk me out of my career path.

I put down the glass I’d drained and made my way to the piano. I sat down, and for the first time since it had entered my head, I let Satie’s “Je te Veux” travel through more than just my mind. It flew through my fingers and onto the keys while Mom watched.

When the last note was still hanging in the air, she joined me on the bench, picking at the same chords but not the whole song.

“You really love her,” she said quietly.

“As impossible as it seems, yes.”

“Why would it seem impossible?” she asked.

“Because we barely met. Because of who she is and who I am. Because she’ll always have a target on her back that I can’t afford to not see coming.” My voice grew deeper and quieter as each word was pulled from me.

Mom pulled my hands into hers as the sounds of the chords echoed through the room. She tucked my palms up against her chest, forcing my gaze to hers.

“You can’t live with the mistakes your father and I made ruling your life,” she said quietly. I started to speak, but she shook her head and continued, “We should have hired someone else to protect us as soon as we learned about the stalker, but your father knew I hated having new people around me. I hated being watched by strangers in my private moments. I thought, like he did, that just him being next to me was enough. That we didn’t need to choose between love and safety.”

I was exhausted, emotional, and yet strung tight, which was why I couldn’t hold back the tears that hit my eyes.

“So, the real question is, kiddo,” Mom pushed further, “do you want to spend your life watching her from afar, or do you want to spend your life loving her, twining your heart and soul with hers in the way Satie was just demanding of you?”

She nodded to the keys.

I’d never not want to protect Raisa. But I also understood what she was saying. I couldn’t give Raisa the full love she deserved if there was always a piece of me holding back…standing guard. Raisa deserved to be loved wholly and completely. With no reservations. With no pieces of me held in reserve. So, the real question was, did I want to fully give myself over to her and trust someone else to watch our backs while I did it?

It was an enormous ask. An enormous leap of faith. But I thought I knew who I could ask to do it.

I draped an arm around Mom’s shoulders and pulled her up tight, kissing the top of her head.

“She’s going to fight me every inch of the way,” I told her, thinking of the fire in Raisa’s eyes on the stairs by the jet as she’d tried to deny everything we were.

Mom let out a soft chuckle. “Good for her. I’d hate to see how obnoxious you’d become if someone wasn’t around to keep putting you in your place.”

My laughter joined hers. “You’ll never have to worry about that with Raisa around.”

Our laughter died away.

“Go get your woman, convince her you’re the only man for her, and then bring her to meet your mama so I can approve.”

“It’s not you I’m worried about. It’s Nan.”

Mom smiled. “Nan will never believe anyone is good enough for you.”

“Good, I’ll need someone to keep Raisa in check once she knows she can crook her finger, and I’ll come running.”

Mom’s laughter filled the apartment. I may have been on my last leg, but I was glad I’d chosen to come here rather than go to my own place uptown. This was exactly what I’d needed. Someone who knew everything about me, wanted the best for me, and knew how to push me past the demons that clung to my memories.

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