Page 65 of Disguised as Love

Written by Kate Bush

Mama and I stayed in my room for the remainder of the day, hiding away from reality in a different way than I’d hid from it the day before with Cruz. Instead, we lay tucked together as if I was a little girl and she was reassuring me, when it was really the other way around. We talked about Papa occasionally. Sweet memories of gifts he’d bought, places he’d taken us, and the way he stared with love as Mama moved through the room.

I got her to eat and kept her from drowning in drugs and alcohol before she finally fell into a fitful sleep. I went to the window, pulled back the heavy drapes, and stared outside. My window looked out onto the gardens at the back of the estate that trailed into the sea.

When I was little, I hadn’t realized the way we lived was different from anyone else. Even going to school, I’d been surrounded by students whose lives looked similar to mine?full of money and privilege. It wasn’t until one of the servant children who Malik and I used to play with, Vivida, had died that I’d realized there was a darker side to the world. Her mother’s cries at the funeral had left a mark on me. Not unlike my mother’s cries now. As if there would never be a way to escape them.

I’d started paying attention to the news then and seen the darkness that had surrounded Russia as the country moved from communism to privatization, and every single person was determined to get their hands on our resources. There was constant talk of murders and bombings. I’d had my eyes ripped open, and it was impossible to close them.

Malik and I had been sent out of the country to attend a private high school in Switzerland, and then I’d left to go to university in the States. But Papa and Mama had lived through it all, watching as our country tore itself apart and then put itself back together. But at the core, our homeland was still the same: fierce, loyal, and proud. I wanted to give not only my people but the world a gift that would allow them to worry about one less thing. My photovoltaic nano cells were the key to an evolution in energy. Maybe not free, but cheaper as well as being less costly to the environment.

I wouldn’t let big business own it. It was the one thing I was clear about in the grants we accepted at Stanford. The money didn’t give them any rights to the patents. No one company was going to be able to monopolize it. I’d give the patent to the world and make it as cheap as possible for it to be used.

Focusing on the science for over a decade, I’d forgotten the real lives that were being lived and lost here. Lives being used as bargaining chips. The constant deals being made. I’d left Malik to fend for himself in a sea of mafiya that included our father. As kind and as benevolent as Papa had been, he was also ruthless when he needed to be.

I dialed Malik’s number before I could stop myself.

“’Isa,” he greeted.

“Mama destroyed her room,” I responded.

He was quiet. “What did you do with her?”

“She’s with me in mine. I need to get her out of Russia after the funeral.”

Silence filled the air for a moment again before he said, “I can arrange it.”

“I don’t want it to be done illegally. I want her to be close to Georgie or me and for us to be able to visit her without worrying that the U.S. government will find her and send her away,” I insisted.

“I said I’d take care of it,” he insisted, and for the first time ever, he sounded like Papa?sure and confident.

My eyes filled with tears as I thought about the rumors saying he was responsible for Papa’s death, and before I could help it, I was letting the words out.

“They say you killed him.” I wished I was saying the words face-to-face so I could tell if he was lying to me, but I also knew I’d never have the courage to say them in person.

He was quiet again, and it increased the fear in my veins that it was true, before he finally spoke softly. “I didn’t kill him, Raechka, but it is a testament to how far I’ve fallen that you think I would.”

Guilt filled me for thinking it, but I still pushed. “You hated him.”

“Yes. For years. I hated that he wanted me to be him and that I had no say in what became of my life. I even hated you because you got to escape and do what you pleased, what you loved.”

There was a layer of bitterness to his tone but not hatred, not even the anger I’d seen in him since I arrived.

“I’m sorry,” I said quietly.

“We came to an understanding, Papa and I,” he continued. “I stopped the wild and reckless things I was doing in an effort to legitimize our business completely, and in exchange, we agreed to diversify into industries that interested me.”

“Like?” I asked.

“Art. Ballet. I’ve even started a production studio.”

Shock filled me but also regret because I knew so little about my brother and what he wanted for himself. It almost physically hurt because there was still a niggling of fear at the back of my soul, saying he was tied to this all somehow. I knew there was more to it than he was telling me.

“What are you hiding?” I asked.

“Don’t ask things you don’t want to know and I can’t tell you, ‘Isa. Things that would require you to keep secrets from your friend Antonne.”

The way he said friend, I wondered if he, too, suspected Cruz was not who he said he was?or if he already knew.

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