Page 59 of Disguised as Love

“What I’ve done,

I’ll face myself,

To cross out what I’ve become.”

Performed by Linkin Park

Written by Hahn / Delson / Farrell / Shinoda / Bennington / Bourdon

Ilia and I arrived back at the Golden Palace as the sun was once again brightening, sending the brief but incomplete darkness into the warmth of its rays. The mansion glimmered in the rising light, a building fit for the royalty it had been designed for.

My stomach turned because inside was the person I feared. A tiny woman with hair the color of the sun and a power over me that no one had ever had. A power that had almost cost me and her our lives.

I’d done the one thing I’d sworn I’d never do. I’d lost focus. Just like my dad.

I suddenly understood him with a deeper knowledge than ever before. But I also knew a truth he hadn’t. I couldn’t protect her and feel this way. My father had thought he could do both. He’d thought he could love my mother and watch her back, but it was impossible.

Now, I had fucking blood on my hands. More blood. I’d had to utilize a safehouse Nolan had begged the CIA for and still wasn’t sure was clear. I owed favors just as big as the ones people owed to Volkov and the other Russian mafiya. We weren’t any better than them. We pulled strings, killed people, and made deals all in the name of justice and law. Like enemies in a brutal war, each side thought they were doing the right thing. One side was devoted to money, the other side devoted to some notion of honor that didn’t exist.

I’d just proven it.

I had to find the SD card, stop Malik and Yano’s plan, and get the hell back to the States. I needed help to get that done. Ilia had remained calm and at my back ever since I’d forced Raisa on Gennady’s plane. I didn’t know if that was loyalty to her and her dead father, or if he was just good at getting people to trust him. Was his devotion real, or did he have ulterior motives?

As Ilia took the drive around the side of the house, I scanned his car with my app before turning to him and saying, “You worked for Petya for years before he sent you to Raisa.”

Ilia gave a curt not without making eye contact.

“He left something. Maybe with Raisa. Maybe in the house. The Volkovs are searching for it,” I said. “We need to find it first.”

Ilia’s jaw ticked. “What is it?”

“An SD card.”

“What is on it?”

I shrugged. “No clue. But it’s got to be serious enough for Volkov to tell me—a complete stranger?about it and dangle Gennady’s kingdom at me.”

That did get Ilia to dart a look at me.

“Why tell me this?” he asked, his voice deep and growly.

“I figured you might have more ideas of where it’s at than I do,” I told him the truth.

He was quiet for a moment. “You will destroy his memory. He was good man. He saved my life. My family. He built hospitals and schools and made sure entire neighborhoods with nothing received care. I will not let you ruin those memories of him.”

His loyalty to Petya Leskov surprised me. I flashed back to Raisa’s conversation with me on the plane about how she was judged. How we were both judged. It was my job to make assessments on the turn of a dime. But sometimes, occasionally, those initial estimations were wrong. I’d expected Ilia to be just like every other mafiya foot soldier I’d ever met. They were only loyal to money. They pretended loyalty to those they were afraid of or who held more power, but they’d turn on them in an instant if it meant something bigger. That image didn’t fit Ilia.

“I don’t know what’s on the drive,” I said. “I suspect it might be something he has on Volkov. If it is, I’ll use it. If what’s on it doesn’t gain me anything but tarnish a dead man’s name, I won’t.”

He considered this. “What of Malik?”

“You’d be loyal to him even with the scuttlebutt saying he’s the one responsible for Leskov’s death?” I asked.

He glared. “He was not responsible.”

“How do you know?” I demanded.

“I know these people. They fight fiercely, but they love even stronger. They not turn on each other.” He sounded completely sure of himself.

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