Page 14 of Disguised as Love

I couldn’t help the sarcastic laugh that escaped me. “Quite the opposite. I had to prove myself ten times more. Just like you.”

Our eyes met, a shared understanding passing through us that no one could understand if they didn’t live it. If they didn’t wear a layer that wasn’t pure White. The rigidity to her shoulders eased slightly.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m tired. I have no filter when I’m tired.”

“I prefer no filter.”

“You live a life of lies. Isn’t there always a filter?”

I shrugged. “In my work, the lies keep me alive, but in my personal life, there is always honesty.”

“How can you even tell which you are living?” she asked quietly, as if she really needed to know the answer. As if her worlds were as equally divided as mine.

“By the people I’m with and the feelings flowing through me. It’s easy to separate my worlds, much harder to merge them.”

She sat down in the armchair I’d abandoned when I’d joined her on the couch. She curled up so her chin rested on her knees and her arms wrapped around her shins.

“But are you ever really you in any of them?” she asked.

There was so much emotion behind the question that it caught my breath. I wondered if anyone had ever seen the real Raisa Leskov, or if she wore as many masks as I did. The one place I was closest to being me was behind a piano. A piano I’d given up easily and readily when I’d figured out I’d been made for something different. I’d known it the moment I’d raised my father’s gun and pointed it at my mother’s stalker.

I didn’t have an answer for Raisa?not one she’d like.

She didn’t wait for one. She uncurled herself from the chair and headed toward the back of the plane. “I’m going to lie down for a few hours.”

What I really thought she was going to do was let loose the tears she’d been holding at bay. A part of me wanted to reach out and grab her, pull her down next to me, and force her to shed those tears where there was someone to comfort her. Even if it was someone she barely knew, couldn’t trust, and would use her for a job that needed to be done.

In the end, that was what held me back. Because Raisa Leskov could only be one thing to me: a means to an end. The bait on the hook. The person who would bring everything tumbling down.

Raisa

CASTLE OF GLASS

“Wash the sorrow from off my skin,

Show me how to be whole again.”

Performed by Linkin Park

Written by Delson / Bennington / Farrell / Hahn / Shinoda / Bourdon

I didn’t want to think about what had happened on the bed in the grossly decorated plane as I lay down on it. The mirrors on the ceiling spoke volumes, but if I didn’t rest, I’d be unable to keep up my shield?the mask I wore that both my parents had taught me. The one I was barely holding in place.

A sob escaped me thinking of my parents…of Papa.

God, Papa was dead.

I pushed my palms into my eyes.

It didn’t seem real or right. He was a benevolent man. He gave and gave and gave. He ensured everyone around him was safe and fed and clothed. He’d doted on me as if I was the sun and the moon and everything in between. And now he was gone. Tears I’d been holding back for hours made their way to the surface, sliding down from the corners of my eyes, running along my cheeks and chin.

I let the memories I’d been holding back overtake me: Papa tossing me in the air in the indoor pool, leading me around the ring as I learned to ride horseback, and presenting me with my very first pearl necklace at thirteen. He’d been full of pride when I’d gotten into Stanford, even if he’d been confused by my major. I’d once teased Georgie that Papa had only seen Stanford as a way for me to meet some smart, rich man to marry, but it wasn’t true. Of both my parents, Papa was the one who’d understood my drive most. He’d understood the importance of creating energy that would cost a fraction of what it did today while ridding the world of its dependency on fossil fuels. He’d also understood that people would either want to stop me from bringing the idea to fruition or want to make millions?billions?off of it.

The tears wracked my body.

Who would look out for me now?

Malik was as likely as anyone else to sell my ideas to the highest bidder. Mama had never been able to protect herself, let alone anyone else. And Georgie… Georgie would want to sacrifice everything to make sure I was safe, but I wouldn’t let her. She had the twins, and Mac, and a life that had long ago escaped the sins of her parents?our mom and her own infamous dad who was so different and yet so similar to Papa. It was bad enough that Georgie had said she and Mac were going to fly over for Papa’s funeral once I had the information about the service. I didn’t want her to come to Russia and get dragged into this mess.

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