Page 5 of Avenged

It was a simple question. One that shouldn’t have caused me to react like I did with gut-wrenching pain. Pain that caused me to look away instead of answer. Yes, I’d had beer in high school. One time. One party. One night that had changed everything. Had changed our world.

“Don’t encourage it, Daw,” Travis said, and I wondered if he saw the anger flash over Dawson’s face at his interference. I wondered if Travis realized Dawson didn’t want him acting like he was the dad, which made me wonder if Violet’s reaction to me was just the same. I wasn’t her mom. I could never be Mom.

I ate in silence while the others chatted and teased. The energy was relaxed and friendly. I was drawn to it like a moth to a bug zapper, and just like the moth, I knew it wasn’t good for me. That the friendliness would disappear if any of them knew the truth about us—Leena and Mandy being the exception. They knew and stuck by us for reasons I couldn’t fathom.

My stomach twisted in pain, but this time, it was a real pain from a real bodily function, and my back stiffened as the wave hit me. I put my food down, grabbed my purse, and headed down the hall to the bathroom. I was glad I’d remembered to put on a panty liner that morning. Glad I always carried tampons and pads in my purse. Glad I was going to be able to go home before the real pain hit.

My mood that had been heavy and pensive for most of the day made sense. Hormones were my kryptonite. Normally, even though I’d had life throw me a bunch of plot arcs, I tried to keep it all in perspective by reminding myself of my five good things. It was a trick I’d picked up from my favorite author, Amy Harmon. I had my gorgeous, genius sister, Mandy’s and Leena’s friendships, a roof over my head, my job that kept the social services workers from taking Violet away, and my life. I was alive when others weren’t. Today, the being alive part was enough to make my soul hurt for those who weren’t. Who weren’t because of me.

When I got back to the living room, Mac and Georgie were saying goodbye. They were on their way to New York City to meet up with some of Georgie’s friends from when she’d lived in the city. Earlier, when we’d been waiting for the guys to bring another load from the storage unit, she’d told me how she’d gone from owner of a hair salon to a law student. It made me feel better about the break I was taking between getting my bachelor’s and getting my master’s in psychology. Even with the grants Violet and I both qualified for, I couldn’t pull off the remaining cost for two rounds of classes and books. But Georgie had gone back to school at twenty-eight. I was only twenty-three. I had time. It could still happen.

To my surprise, Mac hugged me. I’d never met him before this visit, and I wasn’t prepared for any sign of affection. As he let me go, he whispered, “Go easy on him; he doesn’t know how to react to someone like you.”

I turned to him with a puzzled expression. “What?”

But then Travis was pulling him into a hug that surprised me almost as much as Mac hugging me had. The two tough military men embraced as if it were the easiest thing in the world to do. And really, hugs should be easy. They’d been easy, once upon a time, in our house.

Another wave of pain hit me again, warning me. Telling me I needed to leave and get back to my room at Mandy and Leena’s quickly. Telling me I needed to have a heating pad and a double dose of ibuprofen before things got out of hand.

“I think we’ll head out, too,” I said, putting the strap of my purse on my shoulder and looking at Violet.

“I came with Mandy and Leena. Can I leave with them?” Violet asked. She was unpacking a box in the kitchen as if she had every right to be unpacking their stuff. As if she belonged in this house. Violet never seemed to overthink things, compared to my nonstop analysis of everything I did and said.

“Honestly, we need to head out ourselves. The airport shuttle is coming to get us at four in the morning, and I still have to finish packing,” Mandy said.

I envied them slightly, their ability to just get up and leave on a three-week cruise through the Panama Canal. Mandy had fought and beat breast cancer a few years back, and ever since then, the two friends had been seeing the world and slowly marking off items on their bucket lists. I didn’t think I’d ever do either of those things. Travel. Bucket lists. I’d never been farther than New York City and one trip, in another lifetime, to Disney World. For the majority of my twenty-three years, I’d stayed within a two-hour circumference of my hometown.

We all said our goodbyes, but Travis stopped me at the door, a hand to my elbow. The energy that hit me was as strong as it had been when I’d brushed past him behind the TV earlier. As if the molecules in my genes were being rearranged by his touch the way it might be if I was teleporting. It reminded me of all the reasons I’d avoided him as much as humanly possible when he’d been staying with us.

“Thank you,” he said, sincerely, seriously. Travis was rarely serious. Even when he was scolding Dawson, it was usually said with a tease or a taunt, as if life was just a series of obstacles to be laughed about. His attitude appealed to the side of me that was constantly trying to rid itself of the heaviness of our lives, so his seriousness hit me more than it probably would have otherwise.

“You’re welcome,” I replied. “If you need anything, you know where to find us.”

I said it, but I think he and I both knew I didn’t mean it. I didn’t want him or Dawson to come find us. I needed my life to go back to the bookstore, and the garden at Leena’s, and taking care of Violet. I needed Violet’s life to go back to classes and plans that didn’t involve boys—men.

“Same goes for you. We're here if you need us,” he responded, and I felt the authenticity in his voice that had been absent in mine.

I nodded and moved away, my molecules readjusting to the space, the pain in my abdomen reminding me of what I truly needed.

Violet hugged both men, almost bouncing as she moved away from Dawson and smiled back at him over her shoulder. Dawson smiled back at her with a wink. I wanted to throttle him for encouraging her. It wasn’t just the six years separating them that drove me crazy. It was everything about Dawson. His chip on his shoulder. His careless attitude. His recklessness. Violet didn’t need that in her life; she’d already had too much of it.

Violet and I were just getting into the car when Travis’s voice halted me. “Hey, wait!”

He ducked back inside the house and came out with a pizza box and a plastic bag. He jogged over to the car. His blond hair that was as pale as mine was shining in the moonlight. His body almost glowed from the shimmer of the light against the fog rolling in. He looked like a superhero. Maybe Aquaman—and not the stupid movie version—but the comic-book version. Fit. Gorgeous. Loving water and sea and saving people. I could see the moment sketched across paper in my mind. My hand twitched at the thought of what it would look like in light and shadows of charcoal.

“Take this. It’s too much for Dawson and me to eat, and with Mandy and Leena gone, you won’t have anyone cooking for you.”

I smiled at that. “I do know how to cook. I’ve been cooking dinner since I was twelve.”

He kind of eyed me for a moment. “Well, now you won’t have to for a few more days.”

He pushed the food at me, and I took it because it was easier than having a debate over it. I placed the food in the back and then turned to get in the driver’s seat just as another stab of pain rolled through me.

“Are you okay?” Travis asked. I was surprised he’d seen the pain, because I was pretty adept at hiding it.

“I’m fine,” I told him. It was the answer I always gave. I was fine. I would be fine. I’d be better than fine in about seven days. Life would right itself again.

When I went to shut the driver’s door, Travis stopped it, holding it open. I was forced to look at him with my fake smile, and I saw his warm eyes were full of concern.

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