Page 107 of Avenged

He took my hands in his, looking down into my eyes, and I couldn’t look away. I was caught in the sincerity and warmth that always lived there. Truck never lied. He never said something he didn’t mean. He was honest and good and kind. He was the perfect kind of ever after and any girl would be crazy not to accept.

“I screwed up, Jers.”

I shook my head, looking away finally, but he nudged my chin back up with his hand.

“I did. The first thing I didn’t tell you, when I had the chance, was that I love you. I think I’ve loved you from the first moment you argued Hulk and Wonder Woman with me.”

“Jessica Jones,” I said on reflex. We’d argued about Hulk and Jessica Jones.

He smiled softly. “Of course, Jessica Jones. And I had to go find all the comics on her after that, because I needed to know just exactly what a woman like you saw in her. And I saw she was strong and independent but also tortured. She’s you.”

“I’m not an alcoholic.”

“No, but your life was affected by it.” I didn’t answer, and he continued, “And that was how I screwed up the second time. I let someone else come before you. Just like your dad did. Just like everyone else that has ever been in your life has. I let you walk away without asking you to come back.”

I closed my eyes. I wanted to deny it. But I couldn’t.

“Dawson should come first,” I whispered, and he stroked my cheek with a gentle hand.

“Dawson was the first to point out that no one should come before the woman I love. Eli and Mandy were the second and third.”

My eyes flew open. “You’ve talked to Mandy about us?”

He nodded. “I needed her opinion because of item eleven. I don’t want us to ever be apart. Not a night that we can spend together should be separated. And unfortunately, for now, that means I’m asking you to move to San Francisco with me until my contract is up, and then we can go wherever you want, even if that’s back here.”

“You’re leaving?” It hit me hard in the chest—the thought of him being on the other side of the country from me. Of not being able to see him again.

“It’s just temporary.”

I was already shaking my head. “I can’t, Truck. You know I can’t.”

“I know you don’t want to leave Violet, and that’s okay. She can come with us.”

I stared up at him, and the tears wouldn’t be held back anymore. They fell out of my eyes as fast and hard as the rain that had soaked us on the Ferris wheel. I pulled away from him, stepping back slowly.

“I can’t,” I whispered again.

He stepped toward me, and I stepped back again, keeping the space between us. He said, “You’ve been fighting for so long alone. Please, let me be the one who fights at your side.”

I turned and headed for the door. I turned back at the last minute, knowing he’d be following me with his eyes. Knowing I was hurting him more than I’d ever hurt anyone in my life. Knowing it was going to tear me apart as much as it was him.

“I do love you…you know that, right?” I said, trying to take the bite out of my rejection, wanting him to know I wasn’t leaving from lack of love.

He just stared, and I couldn’t blame him. He had told me Dawson said you put the person you loved most first, and here I was, rejecting him for Violet. For the life I needed to give her. And I knew he would take that as not loving him enough. Not loving him more. I knew the hurt of being chosen second. He’d done it to me, and I’d hated it. My father had done it. And now, I couldn’t do anything but the same to him. It wasn’t retaliation. It wasn’t revenge. It was life. It was us.

The “us” that we were wasn’t ever supposed to come first.

? ? ?

It took me over an hour to get back to Jada’s using the bus and my feet. It was muggy and hot, and I was sweaty and exhausted by the time I got there. The pain in my pelvic area was trying to eat me alive from the inside out.

The tightness in my chest from holding back the tears on the bus had spread through my entire body. I was aching to get off my feet. I was aching for the pain medication sitting on the counter in the bathroom. I was aching to let the drowsiness of the drugs pull me into a dreamless slumber. One where I didn’t see Truck’s gorgeous face telling me he loved me and me rejecting that love.

When I walked up the driveway, it was to see the same gray SUV which had been parked outside Leena and Mandy’s place, and I thought, for a minute, he’d followed me there—to try to talk me into a real marriage with real love and real family. But I saw a note on the windshield that said “Jersey” in his scrawling hand, and I realized he’d left the car for me.

My hand shook as I picked up the letter. It read: You left before I could give you the car. It isn’t from me; it’s from Dawson. He’s trying to make things right. The housekeeper has the key fob. Yours always, Truck.

I just let the tears flow, because I was tired of holding them in. I went to the bathroom, downed the pain medicine, washed my face, and then curled up in the air-conditioned room with a heating pad, waiting for sleep to take me.

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