Page 122 of Forged By Sacrifice

“Oh, no, Mac…not…” At my curt nod, she gasped, rising from her feet and heading for me.

Tristan’s smiling face and their tiny baby haunted me. Nash’s and Darren’s smiles and jokes. They were men I’d promised an oath to defend and hadn’t. The guilt took my heart in its hands again, squeezing.

Georgie wrapped me in her arms, and I buried my head in her neck. Her hands were at my back, rubbing in soothing circles.

“Wh-what happened?”

“They were on an op that I’d repeatedly shot down,” I mumbled, trying hard to breathe, to concentrate on her hands and her scent. “This time it got approved, anyway.”

“That’s hardly on you. You weren’t there.”

“That’s just it,” my voice broke as tears finally hit my cheeks. “I wasn’t fucking there.”

Both her hands came to my face, wiping the tears as I fought them again. “This isn’t your fault.”

“But it is. Darren died because I decided my dreams were bigger than his. Maybe Nash, too…” My throat clogged as I begged that it wouldn’t be more. That it wasn’t all of them. “He died because I wasn’t there to fight for him. To remind the fuckers pushing it that it was a death sentence.”

“Mac?”

I pulled away. “Don’t. Don’t defend me, or them, or any of it. Just like you can’t defend Senator Fenway for trying to take what he wanted. Just like you can’t defend Malik for being a weasel and leaving you to take the hit for him. I left my fucking unit. My brothers. And some or all of them have lost their lives because of it.”

I moved away from her, picked up her desk chair, and shoved it with all my might at the wall where it clattered and broke. The noise and exertion were better than tears. But it didn’t ease the fury pouring through my veins. It didn’t even come close. Everything in my life had come apart in the last three days, like layers of strata being pulled apart by an earthquake. Dani. Georgie. The squad.

I put my hand in my hair and let out a deep howl of grief. I turned to her windows. To the Capitol Building, lit up and sparkling as if nothing had changed, when really, everything had. I sank down onto the bed, head in my hands, and I felt her stop in front of me. She tentatively pulled me toward her so that my head was buried in her stomach, and the tears flowed, finally unstoppable. She brushed her hands through my hair.

I circled her waist with my hands, wishing I could just keep them there but knowing that I couldn’t. Knowing I wasn’t ready to walk away, because when I’d told her I couldn’t imagine letting her go without having tried everything I could to make her mine, it had been the truth. But also knowing that I wasn’t sure we could survive the things the last three days had thrown at us.

I’d already spoken to Dad and put into motion things that I couldn’t back away from. Come hell or high water, I was going to be on a flight to Florida and the Special Operations Command the next day. I was putting my uniform back on, and I wouldn’t be taking it back off. I wouldn’t be the reason some other squad got lost to the moneymen. To the greedy politicians. This was how I was supposed to change the world and keep it safe. I just hadn’t realized it until now, until it was too late for my friends.

So, even though I wanted the time to make her stay, I didn’t have it. All I had was this moment to show her that I loved her before I left. I didn’t deserve the moment. Tristan hadn’t been able to kiss Darren one last goodbye. She hadn’t been able to make love to him with sorrow and grief in her heart, but I couldn’t stop myself. I needed Georgie’s touch. I needed it more than I’d ever needed anything.

I placed my lips on her stomach. Kissing. Pulling up her shirt and touching my lips to her skin. At first, she resisted, as if the touch was too much to bear, but then she gave in, straddling me, and pulling my lips to hers, and kissing me with such fervor that I thought we’d somehow lose our individual souls to something bigger and brighter than either of us. Our hands were not gentle. Our kisses were like brands?fire?marking us as we gave ourselves to the passion and the intensity that was begging for relief.

After, we lay tangled in a pile of arms and legs. It was hard to see where mine ended and hers began. Skin. Hearts. Souls. But not lives. Our lives were being pulled, layer by layer, into different directions. Her family. My guilt. I wanted to reject it all. To demand to the universe that it let us be together like I’d said we were fated to be.

I kissed the top of her head that lay on my chest, my hand pulling at the white streak, letting it filter through my fingers. I finally found my voice and said quietly, “I’m leaving.”

My heart cracked at her stuttered breath and the word that came from her as if I’d stabbed her. “What?”

“I’ve reenlisted. I leave tomorrow for Florida.”

She turned so I could see her face, and there was so much pain there as well as another emotion that I wanted to label as love. I wanted to name it that way so I didn’t have to feel it alone. So it would make this time together more real.

“I have to figure out what the hell happened while we wait to see if any of them make contact.”

She still didn’t say anything. She just watched me with those damn beautiful eyes of hers that were golden tonight. That, no matter what color she wore, showed her emotions more than any facial expression and more than any tell.

“I never wanted this,” I said, my voice cracking again. “I never wanted to love someone and leave them like Dad always did.”

She swallowed. “You love me?”

And I couldn’t believe that she doubted it. That she hadn’t taken every moment of the forevers I’d spoken, every moment my lips had been on her body, every moment my soul had sat next to hers, and just knew, but she didn’t. I touched her lips and said, “It isn’t the best time to tell you, as I’m leaving, but I also didn’t want to leave without saying it.”

“Mac?”

“Don’t. Don’t you dare say you don’t love me. I know you do.” The words were harsh coming out of my mouth. Harsh because I couldn’t have stood it if she denied it. I couldn’t have stood one more fucking heartbreak.

“Loving you doesn’t fix everything. It doesn’t magically wave away the things that aren’t right about us,” she said softly.

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