Page 119 of The Right Kind of Wrong

CHAPTER 42

Evelyn

Nathan winced as if the words had physically hurt him. As if the words had made contact with his heart and made it bleed. He lowered his hand away from my face and took a step back, creating distance between us. It hurt, but I stayed where I was, realizing that it was for the best. If I was close to him, I'd want him to hold me like he always did. I couldn't risk it. I had to stay strong.

I nibbled on my lip, wrapping my arms over myself as if it would ease the pain that I also felt.

“Frankly, I think that taking a break—it's the stupidest thing I've done,” Nathan said, scratching the back of his head. “I mean, I've fucked up a lot but not being with you is the dumbest choice I've made.”

“I don't know who I am anymore,” I said, trying to keep it together. “I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself. I'm lost, Nathan. I need to figure out who I am and I need to do it on my own.”

Nathan sighed, running his hand over his face. Through the pain in his expression, I also saw understanding.

Pride.

“I get it, Evie. I just wish I could be with you through all of it,” he said quietly.

I took a seat at the edge of the bed, placing my hands on my lap, my gaze set on the floor. Why is it so damn hard to leave the past behind?

Nathan knelt in front of me, tilting my chin up. “I understand, Evelyn. You've been hurt in a way you never were before, you're trying to get through it. It's okay to look out for yourself first.”

“Yeah,” I breathed, unable to find other words to express what I felt. “I feel guilty though. For doing this to you, like I'm being selfish.”

Nathan shook his head, a crooked smile on his face. “Selfish? You've got to be joking. You are perhaps the most selfless person I've met,” he murmured. “I think it's actually time for you to be a little selfish, to look out for yourself.”

“But I'm hurting you.”

His gaze softened. “I don't think hurt begins to describe what this feels like, but I love you more for it. It fills me with pride to know that you are wise enough to realize that you're not yourself, that you need time for you. And again, it proves how selfless you are. If you were different you'd want me to be with you despite it.”

“If this is what I want, why doesn't it hurt less?” I asked him.

Because you don't really want to leave him.

You love him.

“You know I'll always be here for you, right? And I'm incredibly proud of the woman you've become.”

“I'm not,” I said, wiping away a tear. “I feel like somewhere along the way I lost myself…like I don't even know what my purpose in life is.”

“The past few months have been difficult,” Nathan agreed. “It's okay. You’re allowed to feel however it is you feel. There's no one that can blame you for that, and I sure as hell don't.”

I thanked him and gave him the most honest smile I could. Pressing my lips to his, I wrapped my arms around him, savoring it. “You're my first love,” I murmured, “The only one I'll ever love.”

He smiled, swallowing. “I'll always love you, Evie.”

Nathan sighed, taking my hands in his, staring at them as if it was the last time held them. I didn't judge him, maybe it was.

“Do you know what you're going to do?” he finally asked, meeting my gaze once again.

“Yeah. I do actually.”

“Okay,” he said, with a smile. “I'm with you, every step of the way.”

***

I walked into Tessa's bar later that evening after the long conversation I had with Nathan. I was both heartbroken yet in the midst of that I had a sense of hope. I knew I would find a way to move on, be relatively happy.

“You look much better than you did yesterday,” Tessa said with a smile, hugging me.

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