Page 75 of The Happiness Project

‘She started following me?’ he asks with a puzzled frown on his face.

‘It’s a very long story but let’s just enjoy the night.’

Charlie’s party includes me, Patty, Zoe, Mum, Josie and now Michael while Peter’s has Ed, Caroline, Matt, James and Dad. Sensibly we head to a restaurant after the champagne, where we have a private room upstairs on the mezzanine level to ourselves. I let Josie and Zoe sit either side of Michael, while at the other end of the table, Patty and Charlie have me surrounded, ready to interrogate. I tell them everything while we eat and they’re as astounded as I was.

‘She seemed rather quiet and normal at the book weekend,’ says Patty.

‘Just goes to show, never trust quiet or normal,’ adds Charlie, clinking glasses with Patty. ‘At least with the loud crazy ones you know where you stand quite quickly.’

I look around the table and especially at my mother, who is drinking a Pina Colada through a novelty straw shaped like a penis, and find myself agreeing with Charlie. None of us brought penis-shaped straws, so goodness knows where she got it from. She is looking gorgeous tonight, and I know it’s because she’s meeting her date later. I guess she’ll ditch the straw by then. Changing the subject, I ask Patty if she thinks this date is wise.

‘It’s better that she meets him when we’re all here,’ she says. ‘We can keep an eye out and intervene if needed.’

‘I wished so hard that we could just forget this. I hoped it would just go away,’ I tell her.

‘I realise that, but we both know your mother and it isn’t going to,’ says Patty. ‘And I wasn’t having it happen while I was away. I definitely want to see this.’

‘It’s not funny, Patty — these are my parents we’re talking about.’

‘Trust me, Bo,’ she says, putting a hand on my thigh and squeezing it.

* * *

When the food is finished and the plates are cleared away, Charlie declares that we’re playing a game of ‘Never Have I Ever’, where he’ll read out a statement and if you have done this thing then you have to take a sip of your drink. I look over at Michael and wince at him — I guess we’re going to get to know each other very quickly and very publicly. Charlie pulls a piece of paper from his jacket pocket and unfolds it.

‘Okay,’ he says. ‘An easy one to start us off — never have I ever accidentally set something on fire.’

I immediately take a sip, expecting everyone else to follow suit, but no one does.

‘Be warned, Michael,’ Zoe laughs. ‘My mum’s ability to flambé every meal is legendary.’

‘Oh, tell me everything,’ he says. ‘Forewarned is forearmed.’

There follows a rapid-fire description of every cooking disaster I’ve made, including forgetting to take the disposable barbecue out of its cardboard wrapper and causing a major campsite incident when Zoe was thirteen.

‘I’ve improved a lot since then,’ I protest with a huge smile on my face. Not because of the stories but because Zoe and Michael seem to be getting on quite well.

‘Next one,’ continues Charlie. ‘Never have I ever laughed so hard I’ve wet myself.’

Everyone takes a drink to that one and Mum adds, ‘But it doesn’t matter if you’re wearing your Tena Ladies.’

To which everyone roars with laughter and probably some do indeed wet themselves.

The game continues and I discover that Michael has never:

1. Skinny-dipped

2. Joined the mile-high club

3. Done a runner from a restaurant

But he has:

1. Been attracted to a cartoon character (Jessica Rabbit — hasn’t every man?)

2. Eaten something on holiday not knowing exactly what it was

3. Fallen in love on a first date

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