Page 59 of The Happiness Project

‘How do you know if you’re kidding yourself?’ I ask, nodding towards David and Kathryn.

‘Do you think he’s having an affair?’ she asks.

I shake my head and tell her he genuinely is only a friend, and although I wondered whether it could be something more, he hasn’t indicated that he’s looking for that.

‘At least not with me,’ I add. ‘And Kathryn is lovely. They look very natural together, but if there is a spark between them then I think it started tonight and not before.’

‘And how does that make you feel?’ asks Caroline in complete therapist mode.

I turn and smile at her.

‘Are you coaching me again?’ I say with a laugh.

‘If it helps.’

I consider how I do feel and the answer is slightly sad. I tell Caroline this and she asks whether I’m sad for the loss of a potential relationship or the loss of David.

‘Sometimes we just want to be in a relationship and, if we’re honest with ourselves, we’re forcing it — trying to make someone fit your life or changing yourself to fit theirs,’ she adds.

I give a little snort as it’s exactly what’s been happening since I met David. My crowd are not golf club people and this is his passion. He’d be horrified with the Granny-Okies and would die of embarrassment if I ever got back up on the stage with them. We’re just different people.

‘If you find yourself thinking things could be great if only they’d change or if only you could become interested in the things they like, then it probably isn’t going to work,’ she says.

I take a deep breath and nod. Mum and Dad come back to the table and tell me they’re going to head home but Charlie can fit me in their taxi if I want to stay. I blink away the prick of a self-pity tear and say that I’ll come with them as I’m still quite tired after Vienna.

I pick up my shawl and bag then head over to David and Kathryn. I tell them the evening has been fabulous and that I wish them every success with the future of the club. I give both of them a peck on the cheek then look David directly in the eye as I say, ‘Goodbye.’ He nods his understanding.

That pity tear threatens to return as I walk towards the door and hear the music slow down as the DJ plays a truly vintage track that I remember my mum listening to on the radio — ‘Alone Again (Naturally)’.

Chapter Thirty: Secrets and Lies

I wake after around four hours’ sleep and feel worn out. In the sleepless hours, I veered from wondering whether I’m destined to be alone for the rest of my life to deciding that it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. I made the mistake of flicking on my tablet and scrolling through the social media accounts of inspirational single women who’re travelling the world with a campervan and a dog. They look deliriously happy staring out at sunsets with their mug of coffee nestled in their hands and their dog sitting calmly by their side. I guess they’re all trying to demonstrate that it’s the simple things in life that count, but after scrolling several of them, I wonder why they all use the same image? And who is taking the photo? Is it on a timer? If so, then it seems that they’re going to an awful lot of effort to prove to people that they’re happy alone. And how is their hair perfect if they live in a campervan? Do hairdryers work off grid? Then I wonder what these people smell like if they’ve been living in a van for several weeks. And how does the van smell with a dog living in it? Would the dog not rather be in a comfy basket at home? Interrogating their lives did take my mind off my own situation but didn’t make for a restful night. At least I know that I won’t be heading off to the motorhome shop any time soon.

Patty is positively fizzing when I get downstairs and into the kitchen. She’s holding up the calendar, which has every day of the month so far crossed out in a thick blue ink.

‘Oh my God, it’s getting closer,’ she says, pinning it back up on the wall. ‘It seemed so far away when I got the call but here we are — four weeks to go.’

Of course she’s talking about her imminent departure and seeing ‘CRUISE!!!’ written in highlighter pen with heart shapes all around it on the same page as my dentist appointment makes it very, very real.

‘You’re going to be okay, aren’t you?’ asks Patty. ‘I won’t be away long, so you won’t have time to miss me too much. You might even be more comfortable inviting David round if I’m not here sticking my size sixes in. How did last night go?’

I keep it simple and tell her that over the course of the evening, I realised that we really did have nothing in common so I told him we’d just be friends. It’s mostly true.

‘Wow, Bo — I’m really proud of you,’ she says. ‘It takes courage to trust your own instincts. Well done.’

Patty gives me a suffocating hug and I stay where I am until she’s finished squeezing the life out of me.

‘So what now?’ she asks as I sit down at the kitchen table. ‘You haven’t exactly had a great start to the year when it comes to men, have you?’

I’ve never actually known Patty to be understated before but on this occasion she most certainly is and I tell her so.

‘It’s Michael that I don’t understand,’ she says, making us both a coffee. ‘He seemed so friendly at New Year and then again when you got back in touch.’

‘But then he stood me up, never gave me a reason why and I followed up on what Sarah said and confirmed it; he really is seeing another woman.’ I grimace as I realise I’ve given away the new snippet of information I have.

‘Really?’ Patty of course leaps on it as she puts cups down in front of us and sits down with me. ‘When did you do that?’

I could lie and say someone else told me the same thing (although this technically wouldn’t be a lie as the neighbour told me) but I decide to get it all out in the open, that I went round to see what had happened.

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