Page 14 of The Happiness Project

I switch the garage (sorry, rehearsal studio) lights off, hearing the shuffling of feet as they get into position. I pick up the torch and sit down below them, lighting their faces from the floor. They’re all wearing shower caps with a couple of hair curlers in. It’s as far from the opening sequence of ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ as you could get but that’s what they’re going with.

‘I killed a man,’ sings Patty.

‘You did what?’ exclaims Sheila. ‘I’ll have you over my knee for that.’

And so the song continues with Patty confessing her crime while the others counter every line by threatening to tell her father when he comes home and put her on the naughty step.

The medley switches quickly to a very cheesy eighties pop song. Now the lighting is fully up, the shower caps are gone and the audience can see that they’ve been in wraparound aprons throughout. They begin singing the Eurovision Song Contest winning entry ‘Making Your Mind Up’ and making the little dance routine that went with it completely comical. Of course, at the end there’s the big reveal where they throw off the aprons and underneath they’re in normal clothes — but if this routine works then they’ll be in Spice Girls costumes. They launch into ‘Wannabe’ and I can imagine that when they’re performing this there’ll be a lot of audience participation.

‘What do you think?’ Patty asks when they’ve run through things a couple of times. She’s panting heavily between sips of water, as are the others.

‘It’s complicated,’ I reply truthfully, ‘but if you get it right then it is really funny.’

Patty nods.

‘We’ll run through it a few times to see if it can work,’ she says. ‘We can always just start with something simpler but I think that “Bohemian Rhapsody” piece will surprise people.’

‘Putting it mildly,’ I add.

‘What are we going to do about the other two Spice Girls?’ asks Kath.

‘We should be Posh, Ginger and Baby as they’re the easiest costumes to have under aprons,’ says Sheila.

‘And we’ll get facemasks of Scary and Sporty to put on microphone stands,’ adds Patty.

The others nod in earnest agreement and continue to discuss how to seamlessly transition from one song to the other and which solos they’ll have, to give the others some rest time. I reckon the King’s Coronation had less planning than this.

As well as lighting, I’m in charge of refreshments, which means water during the rehearsal and Pinot Grigio as it comes to a close. When Patty gives me the signal, I head out to the kitchen and return with glasses, chilled wine and a tub of olives. The girls unfold some garden chairs and pull out a storage box to use as a table. It would be far easier for the three of them to come into the house but they seem to love this space. Patty puts on one of her favourite playlists and the post-practice drink turns into an out-and-out party.

They play to their individual strengths with Kath belting out Bonnie Tyler numbers and Patty showing the girls her Cher interpretation. Sheila is the rock fan and she flicks down the playlist, selecting Aerosmith and Run-D.M.C. doing ‘Walk This Way’.

‘Do you think we could cover this one?’ she asks. ‘It could be quite funny to walk on to the chorus all bent over on the sticks and frames rubbing our sore backs.’

The others agree and they listen to the track, but no matter how hard they try, none of the women can keep up with the rapped lyrics. It’s hilarious to hear them even attempt it.

‘How does anyone learn to speak that quickly?’ asks Kath.

‘And how do they find time to breathe?’ adds Patty, taking a gulp of wine, which to her is as crucial as oxygen. ‘Sorry, Sheila, but I think that’s out, though we should definitely have a rock track in it. What else was big in the eighties?’

‘Guns N’ Roses.’ Sheila presses play on the unmistakeable opening riff of ‘Sweet Child o’ Mine’.

‘Oh, bagsy me being Slash,’ yells Patty, jumping up and putting an upturned plant pot on her head in place of a top hat.

I know Patty loves this as we were both dancing around the living room when we watched the band play it at Glastonbury ’23. We sat glued to the TV for the weekend, sitting on cushions on the floor to pretend we were there. We watched Billy Idol, the Pretenders and Blondie, then Elton John came on to do his headline set. Patty turned to me with glitter on her face and wine in a picnic glass (for the full festival effect) and said, ‘You know, they’re all older than me. There’s still every chance that one day you’ll be sitting here watching me on that stage.’

Chapter Eight: Motorcycle Mama

‘It was the silence that I wasn’t ready for.’ Josie is telling a customer about her trip to Finland. She was completely overwhelmed by the time she spent in Levi and, for the week that she’s been back, has not stopped gushing about it, which is absolutely fantastic as there are still people looking for a winter break. When Josie shows them the photographs she’s taken then tells them about the dogsledding, the Ice Hotel and the possibility of seeing the Northern lights, we get a few more bookings.

‘So, my little antipodean friend,’ says Charlie, ‘are you a convert to ice and snow now?’

‘Not the slushy grey stuff you get in this country, but honestly — you and Pete should go. I can picture you in matching Sámi outfits herding your reindeer.’

She holds up a picture of the indigenous Sámi in traditional dress and Charlie scowls at her.

‘Not sure I could possibly be seen in that amount of embroidery, but I like the boots.’

‘Plus, I don’t think they do a flat white in the Arctic Circle,’ I add. ‘So that might be a deciding factor.’

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