Page 6 of The Happiness Project

‘They’re supposed to be very intelligent creatures and they like human interaction,’ Patty tells her, sounding like an authority on the subject.

‘If they were that intelligent then they’d organise a petition and stop people bloomin’ swimming with them,’ replies Mum. ‘We’re intelligent creatures and we like interaction — how would we feel if a bunch of crocodiles suddenly turned up to go swimming with us?’

The dolphin debate is becoming ridiculously heated considering how, well, ridiculous it actually is. I raise my palms to signal them to calm down.

‘Okay, no swimming with dolphins,’ I say. ‘Mum, if you decide there is something that you’d like to do then let me know and I’ll try to book it for you, although I have to say that you both have more adventures than most people I know.’

Mum looks placated and tells me that she’s going home to think about the rest of her life.

‘No matter how short it’s going to be,’ she adds with dramatic mournfulness.

She leaves the shop at the same time as Charlie’s customer, who despite all of the interruptions has settled on a stunning resort in St Lucia for his romantic retreat.

Now that the three of us are alone, Charlie and I cannot resist doing our own death forecasts and are delighted that we’ll both outlive Patty. While we laugh and joke about creating the Mercury Nursing Home, Patty is actually silent for a moment and you can hear the cogs whirring. That’s never a good sign.

‘What are you thinking?’ I ask, hoping that our jest hasn’t upset her.

‘About those numbers.’

‘I’ve told you, don’t take them seriously — you’ll still be on stage way after we’re gone.’

‘No, I was just calculating — if I stop drinking and go on a diet to reduce my BMI I get a couple more years, don’t I?’ says Patty.

I nod at her.

‘Two or three years,’ she says contemplatively, ‘and they’ll probably be bedbound with someone feeding me blended food. Not really worth the sacrifice, is it? Better to go out with a bang — shall I stop off and pick up a curry and some wine for tonight?’

Chapter Four: Wrapped Up in Books

It’s book club night and I’m looking forward to seeing the group again. Joining them was one of my first attempts at rebuilding my life last year, and although Patty scoffed that book clubs were for older people, this group is fun and we’ve had some great times together. Even though it’s held in a pub, Patty has no interest in coming along, so I pop on my coat and make my way to the Rose and Crown. It’s a cool dark night and the fresh air is invigorating. Our first week back at work has been tremendous and we’ve been inundated with bookings, but I’ve hardly had time to look up. Happily, after the first day, my mother hasn’t been back and I haven’t heard from her either. I get a pang of guilt, hoping that she’s not feeling too down, and decide that I’ll pop over and see Mum and Dad at the weekend. But right now, this is my time.

The pub is quiet when I get there, probably the result of people doing Dry January. Although I feel yet more guilt for not ordering something alcoholic with potentially more profit for the licensee, I really don’t want alcohol so order crisps and dry roasted nuts with my tonic water. I didn’t want the snacks either but at least I feel I’ve made a decent contribution to the coffers.

‘She brings food,’ exclaims Ed as I plonk my purchases down. ‘Excellent antidote to all the salad I’ve endured for the past couple of days. Why do we do it?’

‘Because we’ve overindulged right through December?’ suggests a new member I haven’t met before. ‘I know I have.’

She introduces herself as Sarah, and as I take a seat we all welcome her and give our names.

‘I think it’s just about retaking control,’ says Caroline. ‘Deep down, none of us want to be unhealthy — we want to be well and this is a core value for us. When we’ve a sustained period of overindulgence, we’re acting against our own values and our subconscious doesn’t like that so we try to get back to acting in the direction that we actually want to go.’

Caroline has trained to be a life coach and has been very supportive to me, but her words now just leave the table in a stunned silence.

‘Or it could be that we just can’t fasten our trousers anymore,’ says Peter, getting a gentle laugh from the group.

Peter is Charlie’s other half and there couldn’t be a more loving, gorgeous couple in the world. They’re perfect for each other and I’m delighted to have played a role in getting them together on one of the Mercury trips. In fact, I’ve been the matchmaker to everyone here. Caroline and Ed have started seeing each other too and although it’s very new, they seem well suited. Caroline wasn’t sure about getting together with him after my own failed relationship with Ed, but I could see that they would be happy so encouraged her right from the start. I wish I were as good at sorting out my own love life.

‘Shall we start?’ asks Ed, and we’re all keen to start talking books.

We aren’t discussing a particular book today; instead, we’re putting together a list of titles to read over the first half of the year. We have diverse tastes, so it isn’t always easy picking something that everyone might enjoy. We often choose the classics because most people know the story but haven’t actually read the book. Over December we read the Dickens classic A Christmas Carol, which I must have seen a thousand times but never read. While I kept imagining Alastair Sim as Scrooge, Peter told me that he had the muppet version in his head!

‘I know I’m new,’ says Sarah with a little trepidation, ‘but do you mind if I make a suggestion?’

Everyone instantly says ‘of course, please do’ — although there’s a definite edge of unease as we have no idea what genre she enjoys. I’m mentally practising a positive facial reaction just in case she picks something I hate. Which is exactly what she does.

‘There’s a book called Only Love Can Hurt Like This,’ she says. I note our group taking discreet glances at each other. ‘It’s about finding love after losing it,’ adds Sarah. ‘Although it may be a bit of a weepie.’

Ed clears his throat. ‘I’m sure it’s good but I probably wouldn’t enjoy something too sad, if that’s okay with you. Do you have any other ideas?’

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