Page 24 of The Happiness Project

He looks at Khai and they fist-bump his joke.

‘Your key demographic will obviously totally get you,’ he continues. ‘And we’re expecting them to make up potentially a quarter of the audience.’

‘It’s critical to us that our festival embraces all minorities and as diverse a demographic as possible,’ Khai adds. ‘And for us, diverse means diverse.’

I’m guessing neither Zach nor Khai have noticed that the Granny-Okies are looking completely bemused.

‘Could you elaborate on that?’ I ask as openly as I can. It’s taken me a while to think of a way of getting an explanation without looking completely stupid. The organisers explain how gender, sexuality and race have been balanced across the programme.

‘But age is a demographic that often gets ignored and we’re determined to correct that,’ says Khai, getting a ‘too right’ in response from Zach.

‘Menopause is huge right now,’ Zach continues. ‘And we’re looking to represent that. Our festival will be “change” friendly; we’ll be selling portable hand-fans to keep those hot flushes at bay, lyrics up on stage for when you forget them and experts handing out information to break down the barriers. We know that many women your age will be coming along with their grandchildren so we want them to see themselves reflected on stage.’

‘They’ll also be coming just for some fun,’ says Patty.

‘Amen to that.’ Khai holds his palm out to high-five her.

I can’t tell from Patty’s expression what she’s thinking but they get the gig, and after the organisers say they’ll be in touch with Frankie to sign contracts, we head out into the street rather bemused.

‘I’m a demographic,’ says Sheila, the first to speak.

‘There I was thinking you were just a crazy old woman with good legs,’ Patty says.

‘I’ll have you know I’m a diverse old woman with good legs,’ says Sheila, laughing.

We head towards a bar and order some wine. Looking around, we see there are tables of women our age all chatting and having a giggle. I’m still struggling with the idea that we’ve all just been called a minority that needs to be represented in a diversity programme.

‘We’re not a minority in the population,’ says Patty, getting serious on us. ‘But we are when it comes to the entertainment business. There are always a few big stars that the media likes to point to and say — “look how wonderful she is for seventy” — but most of the time they’re trying to shame us into hiding away or getting facelifts.’

Sheila and Kath nod wisely.

‘I’m not sure whether to be offended or not,’ I tell the girls after the drinks have arrived and we’ve toasted a successful audition. ‘I’m barely at menopause.’

I get expressions of sympathy from them.

‘It won’t be long,’ Patty says. ‘And don’t be offended, they’re right — menopause is huge now, it’s worth billions. Every celebrity and their ageing pooch have a view on it. They’re always sharing their “journey” or selling their collagen supplements.’

‘I take them,’ Kath interjects, patting her cheeks. ‘Not sure if they work but I’m frightened to stop.’

‘There are even musicals and comedies about it.’ Patty is getting that glint in her eyes I know all too well. ‘It’s big business and we should have a slice of it.’

She stands up, picks up the menu and moves a few steps away from the table. Then she selects something on her phone and turns her back to us. She presses play and the introduction to a song we all recognise starts playing. Patty swirls around, strutting towards us, puffing out her cheeks and fanning herself with the menu. She starts singing along, ad-libbing the lyrics as she gets to the chorus, ‘I’ve had a hot flush, baby, this evening,’ to the tune of Donna Summer’s ‘Hot Stuff’.

Even in this raw state I can see it will go down a storm as everyone can join in so easily. In fact, that’s what Sheila, Kath and half the restaurant start to do before Patty is even through the second verse. When she’s finished she gets a round of applause and, of course, takes a bow. I think the Granny-Okies have a new string to their already bizarre bow.

Chapter Thirteen: Shall We Dance?

‘Sometimes I think January is like a fox trot,’ says Marianne the dance school owner and instructor. ‘Slow-slow-quick-quick. It starts off gently and then, before you know it, it’s over and we’re facing February.’

I reply that I know exactly how she feels. Although I’m trying to get on with life and not think about Michael, my thoughts inevitably return to him. It seems like only a minute ago that we were giving each other a friendly peck on the cheek at the New Year’s party and yet the days that have passed since he stood me up feel like a lifetime ago. This morning I told Patty that I was no longer bothered that he hadn’t turned up as he was likely only going to be a casual friend, and although I don’t think she believes me, she hasn’t pestered me to call him. As it happens, I’ve plenty of work on to keep me busy and this weekend we’re off on our first book club weekend of the year, so I won’t be twiddling my thumbs when the travel agency is closed. I also have Mum’s bucket list to attend to and I’m here hoping to kill two birds with one stone by getting some customers for a trip to Vienna for waltz classes.

Marianne is everything you’d expect from a dance instructor: tall, strong and elegant — just being in her presence makes you want to stand up straight. At that moment, a drop-dead gorgeous man walks in and Marianne introduces him as Felipe, her lead ballroom instructor. I can’t take my eyes off his loose curly hair, smooth dark skin and milk chocolate eyes as I hold out my hand. I practically buckle when he takes it and kisses it. Boy, I’d pay just to have this guy look at me, never mind the actual dancing. I close my mouth and swallow, wondering if every woman he meets approaches him like a goldfish.

‘Lovely to meet you,’ I croak, getting my voice back.

We sit down and I drink all of the glass of water I’m offered in one gulp.

‘As I mentioned on the phone,’ I say, addressing Marianne so that I can concentrate, ‘the Mercury Travel Club is all about building friendships and community through journeys with like-minded people. I know there’s a deep passion for dance and a real interest in both learning Latin and ballroom as well as watching the experts perform.’

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