Page 21 of The Happiness Project

‘I am standing here, you know,’ he says as he pushes her out of the door and double-checks the locks in front of her to prove he’s done it. It’s their ritual and if they don’t do it, I’ll be turning the car around in under five minutes to come back and make sure. Their neighbourhood watch has been on full alert recently because a teenager was seen skulking around wearing a black hoodie. I did remind her that all teenagers skulk and they all wear black hoodies, but she wasn’t convinced until it turned out that the would-be prowler was in fact a neighbour’s grandchild.

‘It might have been a burglar disguised as a grandchild,’ she protested when the truth was revealed. ‘They don’t come wearing striped jerseys carrying swag bags these days, you know.’

I could have responded by saying that they never did outside of comics but honestly, I just wanted the conversation to end. It’s always been impossible to win an argument with her.

Happily, Zoe and James haven’t chosen to introduce everyone over a meal. Instead, they’ve invited us all to a quiz where there’ll be a buffet served halfway through. It’s in aid of a charity her hotel chain is supporting and is being held in their events suite. It’s a modern hotel, so I’m surprised when we walk in and see that it’s quite a grand room.

‘It has to be for the weddings,’ says Zoe when I express this. ‘You really cannot have a venue that isn’t Instagrammable these days, and when we dress it up, it does look stunning. You could be in a palace.’

She takes us to a table, where James and his parents get up to shake hands and say hello, introducing themselves as Yvonne and Bob. Mum ignores the outstretched hands and goes for full-on hugs, declaring that she knows they’re going to be such good friends. She then moves the seats so she’s between James’s mum and dad. In fairness, this is probably the best way to mingle, so I sit both dads together and take a place next to James.

‘I know you love quizzes,’ Yvonne says to my mum.

‘Well, I don’t like to brag but I could be your lethal weapon,’ she replies modestly. ‘As long as they have the right questions.’

Bob and Yvonne think this is a joke and laugh politely but I know she’s deadly serious, and if we don’t win or she doesn’t shine then Zoe will be criticised for hiring the wrong quizmaster.

‘Gran needs a soap star picture round and dingbats,’ Zoe explains to them. ‘Neither of which I can guarantee as I have no influence over this — I’m a contestant like everyone else.’

‘Hmmm,’ says Mum. ‘I think I would have taken a quick peek at the questions if I were you. It won’t look good if the manager loses, will it?’

‘That’s called cheating, Gran. And I don’t think it will look good if I win.’

‘Well, you’d better not sabotage us.’ Mum links arms with Bob and Yvonne as she speaks. ‘We’re here for the big prizes. What are they, by the way?’

‘Top prize is a weekend stay here with free treatments and full use of the spa, second prize is a champagne afternoon tea for two and the third has been donated by one of our suppliers, so it’s a case of six wines.’

‘If I’d have known that I’d have said we should split up,’ Mum says enthusiastically. ‘You could go for the afternoon tea, Yvonne, the boys can aim for the wine and I’ll nab us the weekend stay. That would keep us going on excursions, wouldn’t it?’

James’s parents are looking at each other and the rest of the table for a clue on how to respond, but we all just shake our heads and smile so they begin to relax.

The quiz begins and is going fairly well thanks to the men; despite Mum’s assertion that she’s good at quizzes, it’s actually Dad who’s a master of trivia and general knowledge. Mum’s contribution is declaring, ‘Yes, I thought that was right,’ whenever the quizmaster reads out the answer that we’ve written down.

There is a soap star section but to Mum’s dismay it’s filled with modern characters rather than the ones she remembers. Her reaction here is to tell Zoe that the questions are discriminatory on the grounds of age.

The music round kicks off with sounds of the sixties, and while both sets of parents seem to know both the artists and the song titles, I can see that many of the younger teams around the room are really struggling.

‘So is this round discriminatory too?’ asks Zoe when we score a perfect ten.

‘Just re-balancing things,’ Mum says haughtily.

Mum actually comes into her own when an anagram round is put in front of us.

‘Wheat Odour Fizz,’ I read out, completely baffled.

‘The Wizard of Oz.’ Mum’s voice strains between a whisper and a yell.

‘Good one,’ says Bob, leaving Mum beaming.

‘Rum Pet Frogs,’ Zoe reads out, looking up at her gran.

‘Forrest Gump,’ Mum says with a wise nod after thinking about it for only a few seconds.

And so it goes until she’s guessed them all. Okay, so even I could see ‘In Attic’ was Titanic but said nothing so as not to take this moment away from her.

After that round — where we got another perfect ten — the quizmaster announces half-time and declares the buffet open. Mum moves faster than a cheetah — which I discovered in round two, general knowledge, is the fastest land animal. I’d thought it was a puma. She gets to the front, fills a plate and is back to the table before the announcement is actually over.

‘If you want the good stuff like prawns, you’ve got to be quick,’ she tells Yvonne. ‘But don’t worry, I’ll teach you all my tricks.’

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