Page 12 of The Happiness Project

‘Yes. I’ve never been on one and it used to look so exciting when I was a teenager — all those rockers in their leather jackets taking off down the highway. I always fancied James Dean and Marlon Brando. Your dad could never be persuaded to give it a go but this is my list and I want to try it.’

She’s emphatic and I can completely understand her point. How many times did I give up on doing something just because my ex-husband didn’t want to do it? Not necessarily something huge, but films I never saw, holiday destinations I didn’t get to visit or food I didn’t try because it was a dish for two and he didn’t fancy it. Since the divorce I’ve gone for it, but if he hadn’t run off with another woman, I’d still be dancing to someone else’s tune.

‘Your friend Ed might be able to help with that,’ says Patty. ‘Didn’t you go out with his bike gang once?’

I did and it was exhilarating. I also discovered that his Harley Davidson chapter is comprised of mainly older gentlemen who’ve returned to biking as empty nesters. They were charming, and despite the leather-clad image, totally harmless. Again, I tell Mum I’ll ask him about it; I seem to be getting rather a lot of action points from Mum’s list.

‘Number three.’ Patty has taken the list from me and reads out the next one. ‘“Learn to waltz.”’

‘Like they do on Strictly,’ says Mum. ‘It’s always the most beautiful dance with lovely flowing dresses.’

‘Will Dad do this one with you?’ I ask, wondering whether we also have to find a partner for her. She replies that he might do but she’s going to learn with or without him.

I remember the customer who came into our shop to book the Flamenco trip and my thoughts instantly turn to whether this bucket list item could actually be an opportunity for the Mercury Travel Club. Learning to waltz in Vienna — what could be more magical? Despite not really wanting any more action points from Mum’s list, I tell her to leave that one with me and I’ll see what I can do.

‘I knew you two would be able to help.’ Mum is beaming. I can see now that this list means a lot to her and I have to do what I can to make it happen. Well, most of it.

As I’m getting warm and fuzzy feelings about supporting my aged parent satisfy her deepest desires, Patty looks at the next item on the list and gives a little gasp.

‘Wow, you saved the best till last, didn’t you?’ she says. ‘Lulling us into a false sense of security with the waltzing and the makeover — now I know why.’

‘What is it, Patty?’

‘Do you want to tell her or should I?’ Patty continues.

‘You do it,’ Mum says sheepishly.

Patty sits up straight and clears her throat.

‘Okay, here we go.’ She looks directly at me. ‘The final item on your mother’s bucket list is . . . “Have an affair”.’

My jaw drops now, so Patty reaches over and closes it for me. It’s just as well we’re that familiar with each other or there’d be drool all over the table. I can’t speak so just spread my hands out in question.

‘Are you and Mr S not getting on?’ asks Patty.

‘Oh, we’re fine,’ Mum says. ‘And it’s not as if I want to leave him. We’re in for the long haul — till death do us part — but it can get a bit . . . samey.’

‘Have you tried date nights?’ I ask, remembering the advice she once gave me. Mum dismisses my suggestion with a wave of the hand.

‘They work for so long but you always know who’s turning up and the conversation always ends up being about the garden or the shopping. I want to be swept off my feet.’

She says this last sentence flicking her hair back.

‘I cannot help you have an affair, Mum,’ I protest. ‘He’s my dad and I’d never do anything to hurt him.’

‘He needn’t know — this is my list,’ replies Mum. ‘And as I’ve just said, I don’t want to leave him, just have a bit of excitement. Like in that TV series, Apple Tree Yard.’

I know the one she’s talking about and it’s really quite steamy. A woman meets a man in a bar and he seduces her without her even knowing his name. It’s quite erotic and not at all how I picture my mother.

‘Blimey,’ says Patty. ‘I think I can safely say, on behalf of your dear daughter and myself, that we’re relieved you haven’t seen Fifty Shades of Grey.’

She laughs, trying to make light of the moment, but I’m still suffering a melee of emotions. Shock and horror that this is on her list but also anger and outrage that my mum thought she could bring something to me that would involve me betraying my dad. I love them both dearly, and while I’ll help Mum, I won’t hurt Dad in the process.

‘It sounds like you’re not going to help with this one,’ says Mum, taking the list from Patty and folding it up again.

‘Of course I’m not!’ I exclaim, but Patty puts her hand calmly on top of mine.

‘I’ll see what I can do,’ she says, giving my hand a discreet squeeze.

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