Page 56 of The Jester

It’s the second time he has said this to me, and this time, I know he’s right.

“Last time I took something away from someone, it was –” I can’t finish my sentence. The words simply will not leave my mouth.

I don’t think I will ever be able to say Kayan’s name again or think of him without hearing those sounds and seeing his poor, broken body.

The thought that he is no longer in this world makes me want to vomit onto the floor at my feet. The thought of escaping here, and finding Rosalie, and having to tell her that he has gone makes me want to vomit harder.

“Is it right to stop them from grieving?” I ask.

“You’re not stopping them from grieving,” Finn says. “You’re taking the worst of it, the most painful parts, that’s all.”

I try to force myself to breathe, but it’s like the air is getting trapped in my lungs and doesn’t know how to escape.

I start to pace up and down.

Something deep inside is telling me that he’s right, that I can do this. I just don’t know how.

My entire life, I’ve been told to suppress my magic. No one has ever taught me how to embrace it or use it. All it has brought is darkness.

I breathe out slowly, brush my hair over my shoulders, and rub my face with my palms. Then I flex my fingers at my sides, brace myself, and lower the gates in my mind.

Immediately, a flood of emotion hits me. It is so strong, I quite literally fall to my knees.

But when Finn moves to help me, I gesture for him to stay away.

Maura has moved to the bars and is watching me carefully. Some of the others do too, but none of them speak. She tilts her head, looking at me curiously, as if she’s never really seen me before.

I meet her eyes. “I’m going to help you,” I say.

“I don’t want your magic anywhere near me,” she spits, the vitriol rolling off her tongue along with her saliva. But beneath it, like grains of sand in the deepest depths of the ocean, is a heartbreaking sadness that makes me want to embrace her, even though she hates me.

Fear and sadness swell in the air around me. They press down on my skin and burrow their way into my soul. They are so overwhelming, I can barely breathe.

I reach out my hands.

I don’t know why, but it feels like the right thing to do.

I splay my fingers, and there it is – a small ball of purple light.

Maura steps back from the bars; the others do too. “Stop that,” she says. “Whatever you’re doing, stop.”

But I ignore her. My wings are starting to flutter. I feel them glow, too, and I rise to my feet. The purple light in my hands dissipates, becomes thinner. It dissolves into the air and spreads like a blanket over the entire cell.

They watch it, transfixed. Even Maura now does not move. She just holds out her arms as the purple light lands like feathers on her skin.

I glance at Finn. He’s watching me in awe.

I move closer to the bars, holding my arms out so my palms are facing the Leafborne in the cell, and I close my eyes. I imagine dragging the light back inside me, pulling their pain and their fear and their sadness and all the darkness that consumes them into me instead.

It hits me like a tsunami and sends me flying. My back slams into the wall, grazing my wings, and I drop to the floor.

My entire body starts to shake.

I cough, clutching at my chest.

My insides feel like they’re burning.

In my mind, the pain feels as though it’s about to split my skull in half. Then there is another burst of light. It comes from deep inside me, emanating from every pore, filling the room. And then it is gone.

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