Page 133 of Before I Loved You

I take a seat at the counter. “Couldn’t really sleep.”

She pours a mug of coffee for me and slides it my way. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah.” I nod but then shake my head. “Actually, I don’t know. Do you ever feel like things are too good? Like something will happen to ruin how perfect everything has been going.”

“Is that what you’re worried about?”

“I just can’t help but feel like something is going to take away this happiness from me.” I shrug, bringing the coffee mug to my lips.

“Oh, Paul, sweetheart, you’re allowed to be happy.” She wraps her arms around my shoulders. “Happiness is not something that can be taken from you. It’s what you make of it. And right now, you’ve got a lot of things going on to make you feel overwhelmed, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad.”

“Why are you always right?”

“Because I’m your mother.” She steps away to put her mug in the dishwasher.

“I didn’t get a chance to talk to you alone last night,” I say. “How do you feel about…being a grandma?”

She beams. “Oh, I’m just…” Her eyes water. “I’m just so thrilled. But I also wish your father were here because I know how proud he would be of you and how much he would love his grandchild.” A sad smile forms on her face.

“I miss him all the time.” I hold in the tears, fighting the urge to cry like it’s my only job in life. “And it bothers me that I’ll never be able to introduce him to Sarah. I think…” I clear my throat. “I think he would have really liked her. And knowing he won’t be here to meet his grandchild hurts, Mom.” I pinch the bridge of my nose, letting out a deep breath. “It hurts so much.”

“He would have loved Sarah, sweetie. I know because I do.” She reaches across the counter and squeezes my hand. “Your father is always watching over us. Day and night. And you better believe that he will watch over your child like it’s his sole purpose.”

She’s right.

He may not be with us today, but I’ve always known he watches over his family.

“I take it that this is what the big secret was about?” my mom asks.

I let out a deep sigh. “Yeah.” My hands cup around the warm mug. “But it was all a…misunderstanding,” I offer.

“And how do you feel?”

“Feel about what?”

She smiles. “About becoming a dad?”

I rub at my chest. “I know I’m young, but I feel…excited. Ready. I feel like the void inside me has been filled for the first time in my life.” I rest my forearms on the counter. “Growing up with a famous dad and then having people compare me to him was always a lot. It’s not that I wasn’t proud to wear our last name on my jersey because I was and always will be. But sometimes it’s overwhelming because I feel the pressure that comes with it, and I don’t feel good enough to continue the legacy.” She gives me a slight frown, disagreeing with me. “And even though sometimes it feels like I have all eyes on me while surrounded by people, I still feel…lonely.” I shrug.

“Paul, I had no idea you—”

“I didn’t tell you,” I interject, shaking my head. “But ever since I met Sarah, I haven’t felt lonely. And gaining not just her but also a child in my life… I feel lucky. I feel damn lucky. But above all, I feel whole.”

My mom sucks in her bottom lip, her eyes glimmering with unshed tears.

“Mom, please don’t cry,” I plead, feeling horrible that I’ve made her cry on Christmas morning.

She waves her hand dismissively. “These aren’t sad tears; they’re happy tears. And I’m just… I’m so happy that you’re happy, honey.”

I look over at the stairs, ensuring no one is coming down. “Sarah was worried about telling you. She didn’t want you not to like her and thought you would think she did this on purpose to trap me like some gold digger.”

She gasps, bringing her hand to her chest. “No, she didn’t.”

I nod. “She hasn’t had a family in a very long time, and she gets scared to connect with people because she thinks everyone will leave her. So I think she was afraid to tell you because she likes you and was scared telling you would push you away. She didn’t want to disappoint you.”

She shakes her head. “I’ll make sure she knows that is not the case when she’s like a daughter to me.”

“I think she’d like to hear that.” I trace my finger around the edge of the mug, clearing my throat. “There was one more thing I wanted to talk to you about before everyone gets down here and the mayhem begins.”

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