Page 43 of Signed With Love

Everyone was giving him a hard time. Like they expected him to fight. And it was fine until Lizzy's brother said something about his mom, then Jamison lost control and punched him. He said it was Jamison’s fault she died? I don’t understand.

Dad shakes his head, annoyance wrinkling his brow. Damn. I knew this was going to happen. That’s why I don’t bother with the town residents.

He shakes his head again and rises from the table to get us both a drink. He makes his scotch and brings me water. I rise to grab my own matching tumbler and sit back down. I want this tonight. I have only drunk a few times in the past, and it’s always Dad’s good scotch.

After he pours us both a shot and caps the bottle, he continues, I hoped Jamison would explain. Did you leave him after?

He left with the trooper. Someone named Hollis. I tip back the shot and wince as it goes down. I’m not good at this, and it’s been since Maddie’s death that we’ve sat like this.

Son of a bitch. My father’s curse is sharp, the sign exaggerated. He’s pissed, and that seldomly shows to his family. He’s a rugged and wild Alaskan, so it’s always there simmering beneath the surface. I just don’t see it often.

His shot glass hits the table before he starts again. Jamison had just lost his dream job. He started drinking and ended up in jail a few times. He was supposed to have made that flight his mother died on. She covered for him and made the flight herself. Her reasons for leaving Cordova so quickly after, I think only you and I know after reading her journals. She lost Victor up there, but I don’t think she told anyone.

Dad takes another drink before continuing. Jamison and most of this damn town blame him for his mother’s death. Jamison should have made that flight, not Daisy. Sometimes, I think he wishes it was him instead. It’s been years, and he’s a different man now. He’s been different since you.

But he still has his demons? I have never seen someone lose control like that. I’m sure of Dad’s answer before I ask, but I look to my father to verify.

Don’t we all?

I nod and stare down at my empty tumbler and the journal next to me. She never told Jamison who his dad is. I know he’s dead now, but should I tell him? He refuses to read these journals.

Dad meets my gaze. You really care for him, don’t you? Even after this tonight, you still plan to be there for him?

Of course. We don’t give up on those we care about after a mistake.

Dad smiles, then refills my tumbler.

???

I wake the next morning and check my phone. There’s no messages from Jamison. I’m not sure what to do, and I contemplate that throughout my morning routine. I wonder if it’s better to give him space or invade his world deeper as I make my morning run.

I end my run, then stop by my parents’ house to clean up and grab my bag. A few moments later, I’m standing on his front porch. I’m still not sure if he’s back yet, but Chadwick swore he wasn’t staying in jail. Maybe they just talked and Jamison came back late last night. He still should have called me. I knock again, my fist hitting the wood harder. I have only a few hours before I need to head home, but I’ll do everything I can to see him first.

The door opens, and Jamison steps out. He doesn’t look good. He’s tired, but what concerns me most is that he looks dejected. Done and over. Like he doesn’t want to even see me today. That realization stabs me right in the chest. It feels like he’s cutting me out. Blocking me out. You don’t do that to the people you care about.

I shake my head, because right now he isn’t the man I’m falling for. He’s giving up, but I don’t want him to. Last night was a setback, a moment when he broke, but I didn’t mind seeing that; what I mind seeing is him giving up instead. I will take all the pieces of this man and hold him together. I’m strong enough.

We need to discuss what happened.

You shouldn’t have seen that. I’m not a good person. I don’t deserve you, so you should leave.

Is he really going to give up on us so easily? If he’s so scared for me to see his true sides, all of them, then perhaps we weren’t moving in the direction I’d hoped.

You made a mistake. I don’t care. Sometimes being in a relationship, it happens. Find me when you decide to give this between us a real shot. Because I know what I want.

I shove a letter and his mom’s journal his way. I wanted to share with him discovering who his father was, but he’s not ready to have me around. Until he’s ready to forgive himself, I’ll give him space. With a quick lean toward him, I give him a peck on his cheek. The desire to linger is strong, but when his body stays coiled tight, I pull away. His head stays tilted down. He needs to be strong enough to forgive himself and ready to take a risk on us.

I hope he finds the courage and seeks me out again. I take the drive home knowing I’m leaving a large chunk of my heart in northern Alaska this time.

???

Two weeks later, I stare at the letter from the University of Washington as I rest in my living room. I thought maybe it was Jamison coming to his senses when I first opened the mailbox, but no. I’ll keep watching for his letters because this space between us is getting old quick. I miss him.

I tear into the letter and start reading. They are requesting I move back to Washington and accept a position on the board. There were many things Sean Westin and I did for the deaf community before we both went back home. He had returned to Georgia, and I moved here with Maddie. I was helping the university develop resources for the deaf community that would change things. The importance of bringing awareness in hearing classrooms is important to me. But so are my kids here. There are so many things I have in Alaska. I set the letter aside, but it’s something to consider. I could even finish the doctorate I left behind if I return.

Andrea plops down on the couch next to me. She’s been coming around more often. After I explained to her what happened, she asked to hang out and brought me ice cream. She’s been a truly blessed friend. After that first night, we hung out more and more.

I glance in her direction and accept the drink she passes over. Are you still debating the offer? she asks.

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