Page 1 of I Accidentally Summoned a Demon Boyfriend

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Booty Juice

“He left his booty juice in my car!” I screamed at the phone as I frantically scrubbed the custom pewter leather seat. I’d waited four months for the color, and it was ruined after one bad date! My arms were already burning, but I was determined to erase every damn microscopic piece of evidence from my car. “I swear, I am done with dating!”

Of course, I’d said it a hundred times before. Hell, every single woman over thirty-five had, but what was I supposed to do? Give up? Maybe that was the answer: wave the white flag proudly above my head, buy a few cats, and head off into the mountains, never to be seen again.

“Girl, what?” my friend, who I video-called as soon as I got home, damn near choked as she tried to hold back her laughter. Her raspy voice was a stark contrast to my smooth flow. “Booty juice? What the hell is booty juice? Is that a new drug or some shit?”

“No! It’s little drippings from the crack of his dirty ass!” I twisted my lips and pushed the perfectly coiled strands of my twist-out away from my face. I couldn’t believe I wasted such a bomb hairstyle on what would go down in the hall of fame for horrible dates. “There is no way I am ever going to get this clean enough. I just need to buy a new car at this point. How can I sit my tacos on this seat now?”

“Tacos? Girl, stay focused, because you’re losing me.” The sharp snaps of Keri’s coffin-shaped fingernails clicking together brought my attention back to the phone I’d propped up on my dashboard. “How the hell did he get ass juice on your car seat?”

“Bitch, his pants were so damn tight and way too small for his ever-expanding ass. You know, before we met, he kept saying how he’d gained weight. I thought maybe he had some cute love handles or something, but no! The man had to be at least forty pounds heavier than he was in any of his pictures, but his clothes, unlike his ass, have not gone up a single size.” I tossed the scrub brush into the seat and threw my hands on my hips.

“Hold up. Wait a damn minute, please back up.” Keri looked like she would pop a vein as she tried to hold her laughter. “How did the date go?”

“How did it go?” I stared at the phone propped up on the dashboard. “Let’s see. He showed up late and bragged about how he was so well known at this spot. Oh yeah, he was well-known—so much so that the waitress looked disgusted when we entered the damn door. We sat down, and he made a fuss about not getting immediate service then went to the bathroom, where he apparently text me how beautiful I looked while pissing!”

“How would you possibly know that?” Keri squinted like she didn’t believe me. I only wished I was making this shit up.

“He told me about it when he came back to the table!”

“No, he didn’t!” She screamed and slapped her hand over her mouth. “I’m done. Why would he do that?”

“Yes!” I calmed myself before continuing. “Fast forward through awkward conversation and side glances from the waitress, and we finally get our food. This man starts inhaling his soup like I’m going to take it from him. Girl, it was so disgusting. He was sopping up the stuff with the bread, and it was everywhere. I felt like I was on a date with a toddler. And when he finally thinks to pick up the napkin, does he clean the soup dripping down his hand or all over his chin? No! He dabbed the corner of his mouth and stared at me like I was crazy for not eating. How could I eat after watching that?”

“Well damn. I didn’t think it would be that bad.” Shades of guilt covered her face, and she averted her eyes. She was the one who convinced me to go on the date.

I was two seconds from canceling when she insisted I give the man a chance. I would never let her live this down.

“After he finished the drink he ordered for me without thinking to ask me what I liked, he asked me to drive him back to his car. You know my overly nice ass said yes. So, I took him to where he parked, avoided an unwanted kiss, and the next thing I know, I’m looking over at his ass as he struggled to get out of my car!”

“Okay, so the date sounds like a nightmare, but maybe you’re just inflating the booty thing to be more than it was because of how awkward everything else was. I mean, was it just like the top of the cheek?” Keri tried her best to erase some of the emotional damage, but it was no use. “I mean, it’s not appealing, but it’s not the end of the world either.”

“No!” I whined and stomped my foot like a frustrated toddler. As my eyes fell on the seat, I shuddered. Flashes of ashy cheeks passed through my mind, and I thought I would lose the dinner I barely finished. “It was full ass crack. I’m surprised I didn’t see ball hair! And then,” another shiver passed over me, “I looked down at my seat and I saw it. A sweaty line of booty juice!”

“Girl,” Keri laughed and slapped her hand on the table next to her. “You have got to stop calling it that. I can’t take it!”

“Keri, what else would you call it?” I tapped my foot and narrowed my gaze at my dark-eyed friend as she struggled to gather herself. “I’m waiting.”

“Um, something to remember him by?” Keri lost it. Her chubby cheeks turned bright red, and she laughed so hard, her jerking body hit the table, which caused her phone to topple to the floor. I stood there, annoyed, as I waited for her to crawl under the table and retrieve it, all while choking on her own laughter.

“Right, a lovely little memento.” I stuck my tongue out as she finally came back into the frame. “You’re not helping me right now!”

“I’m sorry.” She snorted as she fixed her glueless wig, which had shifted during her struggle to grab the phone. “What are you going to do now?”

“I’m going to stand here in my sweatpants and favorite comfy t-shirt while I use every damn drop of cleaner I have in this house to get this mark of shame out of my seat. Dammit, and I just got my car detailed!” I rolled my eyes as I thought of the wasted expense. “Shit, I should send his juice dripping ass the bill!”

Keri tried to stifle her laugh, but it turned into a hideous snort. She smacked her hand over her face. “I’m so sorry.”

“Keri, I’m glad you’re enjoying this.” I scowled and pointed my finger at the screen. “I come to you in my time of need, when my world is falling apart, and all you do is laugh!”

“You are so damn dramatic. Hold on, we need a conference call.” Keri started tapping her phone screen. “The girls must know all about this.”

“No, no.” I shook my hand in the camera. “You go back and report to the henhouse. I can’t. I have to finish this and then climb in my shower and scrub away the memories of this terrible… terrible night.”

“Rayna.” Keri sighed, softening her voice as she prepared to give the same words of encouragement all the booed-up girlies kept in their back pockets for their sad, single friends. “Girl, it’s going to be okay. I promise, it gets better.”

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