Page 28 of Follows with Intent

“So—do you know much about Kierkegaard?”

“Nothing.”

“Okay, well—do you know what existentialism is?”

“I mean, I’ve heard of it.”

“Okay.” Nico thought for a moment. “Kierkegaard was a philosopher, I guess. But mostly he was a theologian. And one of the things he struggled with was why people believe in God, or I guess, how people have faith might be a better way to put it. And he believed that faith is, well, absurd. That’s not what the word he uses, but, like, it’s irrational. And so one of his big ideas is that faith requires believers to make a leap of faith—that’s his term, by the way. They have to make an irrational jump beyond reason. Faith means acknowledging that there’s something beyond reason, something greater.”

Jadon was quiet for a long time. The woodpecker, in contrast, was having its way with that tree.

“I thought you were an atheist,” Jadon finally said.

“I am. I think.” Nico laughed, and Jadon laughed too after a moment. “I mean, I’m not into any organized stuff. I don’t even know if I believe in God. But I find the idea of something more than reason compelling. And Kierkegaard, what he says about angst, about this existential dread connected to freedom and infinite possibilities and how our own life is limited and finite—I don’t know. I found him when I was going through some hard stuff, and it changed a lot of how I see the world.” Nico shook his head and gave another quiet laugh. “Kind of like this weird conversion that wasn’t, you know, religious.”

The silence felt longer this time.

“Sorry,” Nico said. “I told you this was boring. And, I am now realizing with exquisite horror, super weird.”

“It’s not weird. Or boring. What about that quote you said? What does that mean?”

“Oh. Well, a big deal for Kierkegaard is that truth might not be subjective, but we reach it through subjectivity. So, objective fact—kind of like reason—aren’t the most important thing in determining the truth. Individual experience affects how facts are integrated into someone’s life. And our individual experiences carry their own form of truth. So, I can sit here, and I can have this beautiful morning, and I feel connected to—” Nico barely stopped himself from saying, You. “—everything around me, and I know, in this fundamentally indescribable way, what it feels like to be alive. And an asshole on a phone walks by, and he doesn’t get any of that.”

Jadon nodded slowly.

“I know,” Nico said. “Weird.”

“What’s weird is that you lied about the birthday cake, Nico. It’s not like someone was going to check your story and verify that the cake was for a terminally ill child.”

“I never said—” Nico stopped, mouth open in outrage. “You asshole!”

With a smirk, Jadon slid off the planter. He held out a hand. Nico let him help him down, aware of the strength in Jadon’s grip, aware—in a way that sent all those molecules into a frenzy of spinning again—of how gentle he was. Then Nico shoved him.

Jadon staggered back, the big faker.

“You are an asshole,” Nico said and shoved him again.

“I give up! I surrender!”

Scoffing, Nico turned and started toward the sidewalk.

Jadon, the dumbass, was chuckling when he caught up.

“Your turn,” Nico said as they started down the hill.

“For what?”

“To expose some embarrassing secret vulnerability. Let’s go back to the potty-training years.”

“Good Lord,” Jadon said under his breath. In a stronger voice, he said, “Just so you know, I like learning stuff, believe it or not. And I like—” The hesitation was so slight that, if Nico hadn’t been a hundred percent attuned to Jadon and hyperprocessing every cue—he might have missed it. “—learning stuff about you.”

“Quit stalling. How about embarrassing boners, the middle school edition?”

“Oh my God, one time when we were running the track.”

“Big deal. It happens to everyone in gym class.”

“The entire time you’re running the mile? The gym teacher said I broke a school record.”

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