Page 58 of Follows with Intent

“There’s nothing I can do, Maya. I said some pretty shitty things to him. About the shittiest, actually.”

“Which you didn’t mean.”

“Obviously I didn’t mean that stuff. I mean, not all of it. I got carried away.”

“No, you overreacted. You get that, right?”

“Yes, thank you.” Nico couldn’t keep the waspish tone out of the words. “I did manage to figure out that much on my own.”

“So, you tell him you overreacted. And you tell him you’re sorry. That’s basically how an apology goes.”

“He doesn’t want to talk to me. He definitely doesn’t want anything to do with me, not now.”

“How about you let him make that decision?”

Nico chose to ignore that. “And anyway, even if I did apologize, he’s in this weird place right now, and I don’t think he’d let himself, you know, see what could happen with us. Maybe he’d try. For a while. But things would get bad at work, or he’d feel like he wasn’t doing enough, and eventually he’d cut me off.”

A little too loudly, a little too forcefully, and definitely a little patronizingly, Maya said, “Oh.”

“You can leave now.”

“I didn’t realize that the prerequisite for any relationship is that it be perfect and have an ironclad guarantee that it’ll last forever.”

“You realize nobody else sees you be this bitchy. They all think you’re sweet and polite and professional all the time.”

“That’s their loss. Nico, you’ve got your head up your butt. I’m saying that sweetly and politely and professionally, because what I want to tell you is that you’ve got your head so far up your ass, you could use your throat as a periscope.”

“Seems a bit labored.”

“Nico!”

“I don’t know what you want me to say!”

Maya took a breath. She smoothed her dress over her leg. Then, to Nico’s surprise, she took his hand. “How about this? Let’s start with why you’re scared of going out with Jadon.” Nico opened his mouth, but before he could speak, she said, “And don’t tell me you’re not scared. He’s gorgeous. He’s kind. He’s clearly got the patience of a saint. And if the last few days don’t tell you how much he’s willing to sacrifice for you, then you’ve been walking around with your eyes closed. But you don’t want to even see if there’s a possibility with him. It’s easier to sit here and tell me he’s gone and it’s over and that’s too bad, but life will go on. And that’s bullshit.”

Nico shook his head. Tears started in his eyes, and he blinked them away. “Okay, well, I don’t know why everyone acts like I’m crazy because I want to be taken seriously as a scholar and hooking up at a seminar—oh my God, I think your nails are literally inside my hand!”

With a saccharine smile, Maya relaxed her grip. She patted Nico’s leg with her free hand. “You were saying?”

“I—” But for the first time in a long time, Nico was too tired to put up with his own bullshit. He drew his legs up, pulled his knees to his chest, found a more comfortable spot against the wall. Maya sat with him, her talons—thank God—mercifully withdrawn. “Before you and I were friends, I was dating this guy, Chendo.”

Maya seemed to consider what to say. “I heard a little about him.”

“How he got murdered?”

“That.”

“He was…well, I mean, it feels so weird to say this out loud, but he was abusive. Not physically, but pretty much every other way you can imagine. He’d send me texts about how he was cheating on me. He’d say the most horrible things. About how I was worthless in pretty much every way. About how that’s why he cheated, because I couldn’t give him what he wanted. And I put up with it for a long time. I don’t know why.” His throat was dry, and he heard himself say again. “I don’t know why.”

Maya rubbed his arm.

“And then he was dead, and I couldn’t—I mean I couldn’t even process that, couldn’t make sense of it. I never got to tell that fucker off. I never got to stand up for myself. He was gone. And I’d eaten his shit for so long. And then I met Emery, and—”

“I know,” Maya said. “I remember.”

“It wasn’t the breakup, Maya. I’m happy for him and John-Henry.” His laugh caught in his throat. “Well, most days. But while Emery and I were dating—God, it was torture. I still had all this insecurity about Chendo. I was angry at him. I was sad. I was angry that I felt sad, that I was sad even the tiniest bit. I was angry that he was gone and I’d never get to tell him to fuck off. And meanwhile, Emery and John-Henry were falling in love. Emery’s not perfect, but he’s a great guy, and I had to stand on the sidelines and watch as he fell in love with somebody else. And every time I tried to talk to him about it, every time I wanted to do something about it, he’d pretend it wasn’t happening, or that he didn’t know what I was talking about.”

“He was gaslighting you.”

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