Page 108 of Downpour

Until he confirmed the reality I was avoiding.

This was temporary.

I was just his employee.

It didn’t mean anything, no matter what he said or how much I wanted my feelings to be real. No matter how much he made me believe they were real.

It was all smoke and mirrors. A convenient way for us to pass the time.

I couldn’t imagine a world without Ray. Without his family. Without this place. I didn’t want to.

For so long I had felt like I was drifting on the breeze, flitting and floating at the whim of the wind. Being here felt like I finally had a purpose. Like I was doing something that mattered, even if it was small.

I waited until Ray’s bathroom door closed to let the first tear slip down my cheek. I didn’t want him to see me cry. It was stupid to cry over something that never was.

I scribbled out a note that I was going on a walk and left it on the kitchen counter. I was the one who was supposed to be ignoring him, but now I needed space.

Guilt chipped away at me like acid chewing through metal as my flip-flops snapped down the dirt path.

I was so stupid. I shouldn’t have gotten involved with him in the first place. What did I think was going to happen? We were going to just fall into life together and live happily ever after?

Things like that didn’t happen to me.

As much as I wanted to believe that good things happened to good people, it just wasn’t true.

I found myself in the stables, trading my flip-flops for a pair of communal rubber boots to clean the empty stalls. I like the monotony of the tasks. It was nice to put my energy into something and see the payoff when I was done. The mostly mindless tasks gave my brain a rest.

But with that rest came the intrusive thoughts that picked away at my already fragile feelings.

Sweat beaded on my forehead as I propped the pitchfork against the wall and grabbed the broom to sweep out Anny’s stall. She was grazing in a fenced area, which meant CJ would be down here sooner or later to ride her out to the herd or put her in her stall for the night.

With any luck, it would be the latter end of “sooner or later,” and I could disappear after taking my frustrations out on some dirty hay and bedding.

Truck engines and ATVs rumbled in the distance. It wasn’t uncommon to hear people out and about at all hours of the night.

The ranch hands worked odd hours. Because as much as the cows slept and rested, trouble didn’t.

The dust and cobwebs were gone from Anarchy’s stall, but the ones in my mind were thicker than ever.

I would need a good rain to get rid of those.

The coldness that chilled Ray’s voice when he answered Gracie was the crack of thunder before the downpour.

Tears streamed down my cheeks in a torrent as I slid down the stall partition and sat hunched up on the swept floor.

I lost my family, but at least I slept knowing I had been wanted and loved. Life just had other plans. But this time, I couldn’t work through grief by holding on to small fragments of gratitude.

He really was just tolerating me. Making the best of us being stuck together.

I shouldn’t have slept with him. Every time one of his brothers or sisters-in-law teased us about hooking up, I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

They would never respect me. Ray would never respect me. I was just a convenient piece of ass.

Heavy footsteps echoed through the barn. “Brooke?”

I didn’t make a peep, but I was fairly certain my sniffles gave me away. CJ poked his head into Anny’s stall and found me in a heap on the floor.

“What are you doing in my barn?” He crossed his arms and huffed. “You know, even the ranch hands don’t sleep with the animals. We’re somewhat civilized in the bunkhouse.”

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